Husband wants an abortion, I’m feeling destroyed

[MamaMango]

My Husband and I have a gorgeous blended family , both having daughters from previous relationships and 2 Boys together aged 9 and 7, Husband was very young when he had his first.

over the last 2 years I have made it very clear that I want another child with him, I had my coil removed 2 years ago, his attitude was ‘never say never’ ‘if it happens it happens’ and we settled into a method of contraception where I tell him when I’m ovulating and he ‘pulls out’… I admittedly would get grumpy when he pulled out because the desire in me to have another child is so strong but none the less this method has worked for 2 years… including several months where we have slipped up DTD while ovulating and I haven’t gotten pregnant fast forward to a year ago, a family tragedy changed his attitude and he became sure he wanted no more children…

I started fluoxetine and talking therapy to deal with my struggles at the thought of never having another child, as well as begging him to get a vasectomy so that I wouldnt have false hope every month convincing myself we had somehow managed to conceive outside of my ovulating window. He refused saying a vasectomy is an old man thing to do!?

fast forward to our 10 year wedding anniversary last month… 2 days before my period is due we had unprotected intercourse I now find myself pregnant and whilst I had concerns over his reaction I never thought I would react so strongly!!

He got so angry he told me I had manipulated him into this (maybe my grumpiness at him pulling out was just that?) he told me he would have nothing to do with the baby this was my mess and I could sort it… I was so scared of tearing my family apart I am booked in for an abortion next week, since booking it I have not been able to stop hurting at how wrong it feels, today I begged him to let me keep the baby, his response was ‘if you can’t tell me your are going to abort I’m gone I would rather drive off a cliff than have another child’ he packed his bags and has gone leaving me to spin a story about him going to a friend in an emergency to our 4 children!!

I’ve never felt so hurt our marriage was strong sure we had our troubles but we worked through everything I have never seen him so angry! I was genuinely scared.

now I’m stuck knowing that if selfishly continue with this pregnancy, I am ripping apart a strong family unit and my children’s lives … however if I abort a child I have wanted so desperarately for so long I will never forgive myself!

any advice would be much appreciated xx

ahh this makes me so cross- my husband also would not get a vasectonomy but then so cross when i got pregnant. why wont men take a pernament option rather than leave us to deal with the fall out! i think hes in shock but you will never forgive yourself if you have a termination. i had one earlier in the year because my husband was not keen and didnt listen to my heart and ended up suicidal and a mess. my husband was fine- he just got on with life as before but i resented him so much and it almost destroyed us. i rushed into it rather than giving time for the dust to settle. i think ultimstately its whether you are willing to sacrifice your mh for the sake of your husband or whether your priority is your pregnancy. best case scenario is that your husband is in shock and will come round- if hes already a good dad to your kids iwould like to think that he wont just abandon everyone long term and just is having a wtf wobble- which many women even with planned pregnancies have! i think men think we can get an abortion and life will just return to how it was but its not that simple- it will always be part of you and its whether you can cope with that. it may be worth accessing some counselling but given you are already having doubts i just dont think you can do it x

Thank for taking the time to reply,

I am so sorry that you went through something similar and really hope you are feeling better now !!
I confided in a friend yesterday who is saying the exact same as you… I feel like I have already sacrificed my MH a lot for him and this would just be the ‘straw that broke the camels back’.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply xx

That sounds like such a hard place to be. Your husband had the option to have a vasectomy and he declined. Now he has the consequence of that decision. Abortions are not done lightly, please take all the time you need to make the right decision for you. Get some counselling for yourself and be kind when you are listening to what is right for you, whatever you decide.
Your husband will have to make his own repairs to you, his behaviour has been abominable.

@MaryJanesonabreak thank you for your reply, I have a consultation on Tuesday just hoping I can get some counselling in to help me as I do t want this to be a rushed decision xx

thats good you spoke to a friend and ask for some counselling. we didn't speak to anyone but each other and i didnt access any counselling and rushed into a decision. either way this will affect your relationship and its almost which decision you can cope with most. you haven't affected your family unit, its him going into panic mode. i read after that half of pregnancies are unplanned and many families/people adapt to an unexpected child despite it not being what they would have chosen. all i can say is biologically after a termination at least for months you can have this crazy, intense desire for a child and i worry that given you have this already it would be even worse for you. i ended up getting pregnant again within a couple of months which is causing all sorts of head screws (believe me we were a normal family before this year!) so given your feelings about uncertainty about terminating i think it would be crazy to go ahead. if in a few months your marriage failed anyway you would be left with no baby and no husband anyway. he is presumely a good dad usually so i would like to think he wont sacrifice his relationships with his kids over this x

Hello

So my situation is slightly different - I still had the coil in and fell pregnant.

We already have two children - 7&5 and my husband was adamant that I have an abortion.
He went through the whole blaming me, saying he’d have an abortion if it was his choice, it wasn’t a baby, I was ruining our children’s lives, he wanted to kill himself, we’d spilt up (we only got married in April!)
It was a lot!

I had one booked, only to try and make him happy but I couldn’t go through with it. I was an utter mess. Crying whenever I looked at our children, I wasn’t eating or drinking, I couldn’t sleep. It was awful!

I told him I couldn’t abort. I am now 29 weeks pregnant and we are looking forward to the baby. He is happy and has done a complete U-turn.
We both agree it wasn’t what we had planned and every now and again we have a what the hell are we doing moment.

Obviously, I can’t say that every situation ends up like ours but ultimately we want to be together and now see this baby that it was meant to be.
He admits he acting completely wrong and that he’s sorry for what he said. He was scared!

So sorry you are going through this, I hope you manage to sort it - just remember you have to do what is best for you, I had some counselling and they said to me you have to pick the decision YOU can live with. Which ultimately is what I did.

I'd say in short form follow your heart and ignore him! If you listen to him you'll resent him and resent yourself. You might even break up with him.

As someone whose had a termination, I just want to share the grief was so overbearing it haunted me a lot. I got pregnant 3 months later to replace that baby and she's here now. Although she's amazing, I still have grief over what that baby could have been. Abortion isn't just take the pills and it's gone. I'm going to be honest and share that it affects you mentally too.

Whatever choice you make make sure it's yours.

Thank you so so much everyone for your replies … I had a counselling session yesterday and after some visualisation exercises I can see I wouldn’t cope well with the aftermath of a termination.
I truly hope it is just panic mode as he’s the most amazing Dad

@pippin @Saskia2023 i really hope your pregnancies go well for you both. X

So glad you got your counselling- its my biggest regret that i didnt take the time to speak to someone before having a termination. even if i had decided to still terminate i may have had more peace with the decision. i am glad you are keeping it- it really felt it would have thrown you over the edge and i just really hope your husband comes round. i am still so cross with my husband over how him (and his friends) wont take a permanent option but yet dont want any more kids! wishing you all the best x

I'm so glad you had the counselling, MamaMango. In my experience, nothing good ever comes from aborting a wanted child. It was childish for your partner to just walk out as if to say "Things must be done my way, or else." You two have been through so much together, and he must have known a child could result from your risky birth control method. I really hope he gets his priorities straight, and decides to be the best father he can to all his children (and maybe get that vasectomy already!!) Be strong and don't let him push you into anything that you can't live with.