Mid 30s. Single. 12 weeks. Abortion?

[wdmzsul]

I am 12 weeks pregnant. Have gone back and forth on to abort or not to abort. Most recently decided that if my prenatal test come back normal - I'd keep it. Today I got the call that everything looks normal. However, instead of feeling happy or relieved, I felt stressed. I believe the reason is I was cowardly hoping results would be abnormal and then it would be an easy decision. I know this is such an evil thought and likely means subconsciously I don't want this unplanned pregnancy, but when I do think of/lean toward having an abortion, I get a bit sad and start to cry.

Financially - can do it on my own. Have my own apartment. Stable job with good maternity leave, makes enough that say if I had a partner, he/she can be a stay home partner and we'd still live comfortably. Have savings that can last me a couple years even if I don't work.

Family support - havent told my parents yet. They are retired. I am confident they will help out if asked. They help out with my brothers kids.

Chance of having at least one child in the future - 90% for one live child as I froze my egg a couple years back. So I'm not as worried about what if this is my only chance of being a mom.

Baby daddy - same age, we known each other for only 2 months when I found out I was pregnant and we are not in a relationship. (I understand some might want to comment you guys should have known better, but that ship has sailed). He initially said he was supportive regardless which decision I make. Now he is back and forth but more toward the abortion option. We don't talk much so am excluding him from the equation in my decision making.

I am trying yo base my decision on if I can be a good mom, do it on my own, and offer the baby a decent life. I know the 'baby' is also a big part of the decision I'd make though he/she can't really share any thought - im worried that the baby might grow up and be unhappy.

Have read similar posts on mumsnet so posting one of my own.

It sounds like you are in a really good place to have this baby if you want to. But sounds like you don't really want to.

That's ok, and nothing to be ashamed of. The option to terminate a pregnancy gives us choices as women.

One thing which stood out about your post was the feeling that you have more time to have a baby if you want because you froze your eggs. I'm not sure where the 90% stat came from, but this isn't a sure thing at all. Only around 25-50% of your eggs are likely to turn into blastocysts, and only around 25-30% of those blastocysts are likely to turn into viable pregnancies. Hopefully you would be successful with your frozen eggs, but think carefully about how you would feel if this was your only chance for a child.

There is a pregnancy choices board that might get you a better balance in terms of responses, if you want to get your thread moved.

Do you want to be a mother? Before the unplanned pregnancy did you want to have a child at some point in the future? Some women know they want a child, some know they don't, and others are on the fence - which were you before you got pregnant?

I always knew I wanted children so if I had not met the right person to have children with but found myself pregnant in my mid-30s, I'd continue the pregnancy. However, I think if you weren't sure that you wanted children one day, and were either against it or on the fence, I don't think you should have a child, I'm afraid. Motherhood is difficult enough when you're sure, and when you have a supportive partner.

I'm a strong believer in trusting your gut instinct, too, so if you weren't happy that your screening results were normal, I think that's quite telling. It is also pretty overwhelming to anticipate having a baby, though.

Maybe contact BPAS or Marie stopes and ask about pregnancy choices counselling, then you can talk it through with someone impartial.

You could also book a termination appointment for a couple of weeks time, you can always cancel if you change your mind, but see how you feel as the date approaches?

My daughter in exactly the same scenario but she was 26 . She has an amazing 3 year old ,just qualified as a SW …you can do it as long as family are supportive.X

Oh sorry I had completely missed the fact that you've frozen your eggs. So if you did that presumably you did/do want to be a mother at some point?? If you are willing to go through IVF then you must really want it? In that case I think you'd be a bit mad to terminate. Natural pregnancy is lower risk than IVF.

Are you hoping that if you terminate you can still meet someone and do IVF with them?

I froze 20 eggs so data wise the chance of 1 live birth is 87.5% to 95%

From what you've said it sounds like you can do it - financially secure, supportive family, good job etc.
However, being able to do it and in a good position isn't necessarily reason to do it. Only have the baby if it's what you actually want rather than because you should because you have all the practical boxes ticked.

It sounds like your gut was telling you something when you got the screening results.

Fucks sake just wrote a reply and lost it due to fat thumbs.

Summary- I was single and 33 when I gave birth. The baby days were long and tough sometimes, even with family support, but SO worth it. And while it felt long at the time, now my child is suddenly due to start school tomorrow, even though I swear I JUST had him, and I'm a little resentful they get to take him away now he's at the best age!

I had an abortion in the past, so I'm not against that if it is what you want to do. I just wanted to give you my experience due to the similar circumstances. (His dad is involved but roughly every other weekend so not day to day support)

How do I move the thread?

Weirdly enough I thought I would definitely be up for being a single mother by choice if I don't meet the someone. With my ex bf, we talked about having 2 kids by 35.

And now with this unplanned pregnancy, I realized I might have been too naive and doing it alone seems to be really difficult.

Sorry you're struggling OP. It's your choice. If you don't want this baby that's absolutely fine and nothing to be ashamed about, I agree in mid-30s my concern would be that this might be your only chance to be a mum though.

I would say however that I would only ever go into a pregnancy willing to do it alone. Even if you were married for 10 years one or the other could walk out at any point. There are lots of threads on here about partners and husbands who walk out or cheat during late pregnancy and early years.

If you don't want to do it alone then don't, but that might well mean never having any. If you want a baby, are willing to do it alone, and have support available I'd personally do it now. Frozen eggs aren't a given.

If you’ve frozen your eggs, then clearly motherhood is something you have always wanted.
Are you sure you’re not just scared? When I was pregnant with my first, I was terrified I wouldn’t be a good mum, and felt I wasn’t ready. I was just scared. I really don’t think you can ever be 100% ready and confident.

Thats a good number of eggs, but by no means a sure thing. You don't know until you try whether your eggs would be good quality. You might find they have a very low fertilisation rate, or that they're genetically abnormal, or that everything looks perfect but they don't implant at the rate the clinic expects.

I don't want to be negative, but just encourage you to consider the possibility that your frozen eggs don't guarantee you a child. If this was your one chance at motherhood, would you regret not going ahead or be ok about it?

For context, I have been through 4 rounds of IVF and 2 egg collections so know first hand it doesn't always work out how you expect. My eggs were very good quality, fertilised at exactly the rate the clinic expected, and it still took 26 eggs for one live birth. It also cost a small fortune and was incredibly difficult emotionally.

Going alone is prob tough but I know plenty that did it. I also know plenty with partners who do nothing.
You've frozen eggs... no guarantee of success but clearly you want to keep a mother.

At 35 I would keep this pregnancy if you want children at some point.

Egg freezing is the closest thing to being a scam without actually being a scam. You really, really, really need to do an evening of research on the statistics of having a viable pregnancy from frozen eggs. Your 90% stat is pie in the sky stuff. Please don’t mix up the stats between frozen eggs and frozen embryos- they have entirely different success rates.

I agree that this baby, which has been conceived naturally and so far proved healthy, is much more likely to make you a mother than any of your frozen eggs. So if being a mother is what you want, keep it.

Sounds like you are in a good position to have a child financially and you seem like you have a good support system.

Having an abortion at 12 weeks is something I couldn't do personally. I think the fact you've left it this long and you get sad when you think about it means deep down you wouldn't want to go through with it.

If you've frozen your eggs and you've already considered having a child on your own then I'd have this baby. The timing rarely ever seems perfect.

As other posters have said I think you are a bit naïve about the success of egg freezing rates. If you had embryos then yes.. but eggs don't become embryos for all sorts of reasons.

Yeah - I am scared for sure.

I slept on it - and today I am less leaning toward an abortion. I go back and forth all the time thus was hoping an external factor would take this difficult decision off my hand.

There are people who say if you are not sure about having a kid - don't do it; and then also there are ones who said if you are unsure about having an abortion - don't do it.

My life will definitely be the least disruptive with an abortion as everything will just go back to normal - life as I know. Having the kid will bring so much unknowns - but I guess this is the case for everyone - including planned pregnancies with very committed parents.

the uncertainty is common even with planned pregnancies- no one really talks about that wtf type feeling about life changing. you have the added complication that this is not how you would choose to have a child. wanting something to be wrong is a common feeling when you are faced with a choice- it doesnt mean you dont want the baby but just hoped that you would not have to make the difficult choice when both options are unknown but life changing. i think the mistake i made with having a termination was thinking life would just go back to how i was- whilst many people dont regret an abortion it is still there. think how you feel if in a few years you could not get prengant- do you think you would regret it? also think about your personality type- are you someone who makes decisions and accepts them and doesn't beat yourself up or do you overthink and go back over past decisions? many people have babies not in perfect scenarios but the babies are loved and happy. practically wise it sounds like you could support the baby. so its thinking which choice you could live most with given all the unknowns. Keep messaging- the thing i regret most is not talking to people to help me process my feeling but rushing into a decision without talking things through

Scared is normal. Scared is healthy. Even planned pregnancy is terrifying. People who go through years of infertility and have IVF still go 'oh fuck what have I done' when they get a positive test. It's a huge life change that can't be reversed. Doesn't mean they don't want or love their babies.

You're never not going to be scared about becoming a parent.

I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant (unplanned) with what would’ve been my third at 35. What Saskia has said above really resonates, especially to keep talking it through until you’re sure. I was really hoping that I’d miscarry, but I think only so the decision was taken out of my hands. In the end I rushed myself to make a decision as I didn’t want to go past 6 weeks and chose to terminate.

There’s certainly no guarantee that life will go back to how it was. I suppose that’s largely dependant on your personality and existing mental health.

There’s no right answer and it’s a really difficult situation to be in.

Wanted to say as well that I very nearly had an abortion.
I had a counselling session which absolutely clarified my thoughts and feelings.

Hi!

hope you are okay. have you come to a decision yet?

I am still a bit back and forth but leaning toward keeping it. Not much time left to make a decision though as it's best to do surgical abortion before 13 weeks.