Termination guilt?

[rosekate203]

Hi everyone,
I had a termination just shy of a month ago at 9 weeks. I did not want to do this, but my partner made clear he thought it was best and I went through with it.
I walked out of my initial appointment as I was in tears and MSI were not happy with proceeding that day as I kept crying that I did not want to.
I returned a few days later, and as soon as I took the tablets I started sobbing. I have never cried so hard. I sobbed the entire time I waited for surgery, and a few seconds before I went to sleep I distinctly remember trying to say that I wanted to stop, that I changed my mind and I don't want to do it but fell asleep as it was a bit too late. I woke
up and cried, went home and cried and for the near on month it's been, I have just cried. I find every day difficult and it kills me. I heard the heartbeat, I have a scan. I did not want to do this, I was not strong enough to stand my own ground and make my own decisions. I feel so awful every single day and am really struggling. I am awaiting counselling, but I don't know what to do in the mean time. My head is a horrible place to be right now, and I really can't bear it any more.
Any advice welcome please, I would appreciate it

I’m the exact same as you. I’m here if you want to talk. It’s the most heartbreaking thing ever 💔 I am broken so my heart goes out to you.
x

Wow. I'm really sorry. The pain is indescribable. How old are you may I ask? Is your partner supportive? It's been 4 months for me and I wish I could sat it got easier. Give yourself a few months for your hormones to settledown etc.

You will need to speak with someone who specialises in emotional trauma and come to some level of acceptance.

I terminated at 6 weeks as my ex bf was so abusive and I was scared for my son who is 8 and myself. I regret it everyday. I wish I just blocked him and sort help.

Try and stay away from social media where you will see pregnancy and babies etc until you feel better. Xx

I’m 34 and this is why it’s so hard for me💔 how old are you?
we wanted and spoke about this so much. I don’t know what happened, the fear and panic was so intense everything else just got overlooked. I am broken.
I am so sorry for what you are going through too
❤️ my heart goes out, to everyone. All I keep seeing everyday is so many of the same stories.
they are all so similar, nobody told
me how common this was. Or how I would feel after. I Didn’t even get asked if I was “sure” I wanted to go ahead by the clinic. Just sent me home will tablets. Not had any support since and they are letting so many women go through this without even making it known.
it’s so sad everytime I come on here I see a new story of the same regret and heartbreak! 😢💔I can’t believe I never knew how this would affect me afterwards, how I ignorantly thought I’d be ok and carry on. How stupid and naive of me. A regret I’ll never forgive myself for, I just don’t know what happened to me.
I feel each day my hormones leaving and couldn’t see clearly before. Everything seemed so matter of fact. If I could have only seen then what I do now 😢
I even panicked and took the first pill and afterwards regretted it and rang nupas clinic three times and three nurses told me to terminate.
even though i said I didn’t want To💔 so
not only did I let myself down they didn’t help me whatsoever.
ive found some comfort in spirit babies book by Walter makichen especially the part on abortion. If you look at soul contracts with abortion it’s also very comforting to know the other side (if you believe that as I do) so hopefully this will help you too.
im here if you need to talk And hope you
are doing ok
x

Also i see so many women speaking about wanting another baby after termination and at first I thought no way. But now it’s all I’m thinking of.
i saw someone post about this and said that she now knows what she wants and people
make mistakes and regrets but to take one thing that it has made you realise now what she wanted. Which is very real, life isn’t easy. We make decisions as best as we can, if we knew we would have felt like this we wouldn’t have of done it.
we are human and can only learn
the hard way sometimes. X

I iust read that book after reading that post and cried again. I pray the soul contract will come in the near future. The pain is overwhelming and noone understands all Say... well it was your choice. Woman are very vulnerable in that moment. For me the emotional abusive ex was pressuring me and I was so scared for him to be in mine and my sons life. Now I realise I could of worked around it and blocked him from our lives regardless of his abuse. I'm 35 years old.

I've been asking for forgiveness to my spirit baby and hope she returns in the future , the near future. I have not even seen my friend at the time who was encouraging me to have an abortion. Like I should of never even spoken to her about it.

That book and reading stuff on soul contracts and abortion is all I’m reading to keep me going. I can’t sleep it’s 5am and haven’t been to sleep, my mind is non stop torture I know your pain. And we were in no racial mind to make such a huge decision, so many women have said it’s done out of fear and panic and then regret. We are not alone, and I’m finding comfort reading stories/ knowing I wasn’t totally out of my mind for that regrettable decision. We will keep each other going and focus on our spirit babies who WILL return as they know they are truly wanted, and unfortunately we are human and did the best we could with the information at the time we had ti make that call. We can now truly say how much we want it, a huge painful lesson to learn but life isn’t always so simple. Especially abortion, nobody would ever put themselves through this pain if they really knew how they would feel after, knowing it would break them. We are just trying to navigate our way through. Let’s support each other and hopefully help women because I wish I had this before but it’s lead me to it now, so I’m just thankful people understand and I’m not alone xx

Sorry making it short...

But I felt like you after an abortion and got preganant again 3 months later. I have a lovely baby girl and that's what healed me. Any questions message me on this post and I'll reply. I'll write more later but kind of have my hands full with a toddler and a newborn!

Hey lovely. Thank you for this message I really needed to hear this 😢❤️🫶🏻 i would love to speak whenever you have any free time, when did this happen please can I ask?
how we’re you after the abortion. And congratulations on your baby girl ❤️ I am dreaming of this, it’s all I want ❤️xx

Yes it's absolutely awful and you won't get a lot of support on this board.

I regret mine and everyone knew I didn't want to do it:

I had my termination in June 2022. I can remember the exact day. I was really sad after taking the pills for many days because I didn't know what happened...I felt regret instantly. Felt depressed for a few days on and off. Everybody around me went back to their normal routines around me partying and what not. Nobody asked me how I was doing afterwards. I remember shopping in home bargains and listening to the music had me crying. There were days when my dd was in school and I felt like making some excuse up to get her home early and just hug her because I felt like I had killed my baby. A baby like her.
But with time I did understand my decision. I 'healed' but the grief of having to make that choice was horrific. It was still there on most days. I just made the decision and prayed to god to give me another chance and that matter how sick I got I wanted a baby. We didn't use protection and got pregnant 3 months later.

I'm not going to lie I had the same thoughts when the pregnancy hit hard . But this time I was prepared . Deep down I didn't want to have an abortion otherwise I would have contacted bpas again. I just wanted support and someone to tell me it would be okay and I would get through this pregnancy (I did!). The sickness was very short lived and the rest of the pregnancy was great 👍 midway we were going to lose our house (rented) so would have no accommodation and my husband (sole earner) was going to lose his job. With another mouth to feed it was scary and thought termination? But no I didn't because I wanted this baby so badly and thought it's only a few more months. I never wanted to feel the grief that I went through again but I occasionally do think of him/her much more than the miscarriage I had a few years ago. I do feel grief. Even typing now...I guess it's natural. I wish I had had more support from families friends doctors midwives etc. I had hyperemesis with all my pregnancies but the one I terminated I had extremely bad symptoms and I also think I had a urine infection (which the hospital doctors didn't pick up on earlier or told me that it must be that pain). I remember thinking with that one that even my midwife appointment was at 9 weeks and it was too late for me. With the pregnancy after the termination I saw my midwife at 8 weeks and omg she was amazing. She lifted a fog over my shoulders. Even though I didn't tell her anything she just made me feel great. She made me feel like I could get through the pregnancy. If my daughters were to go through anything like I did I'd be there for them and look after them. I just wish there was more help available for people who need it. I also think the first few weeks of pregnancy when you find out are hard because you have all these new hormones in your body making you so vulnerable. Hope I didn't say anything to offend anyone but remember your choice is your choice.

No not at all, I really appreciate you sharing your story. It’s so comforting to know you had the second chance, that is all I want. I am so happy for you.
its just so heartbreaking how many women have been let down, all I’m reading everyday is a new story. And it’s just so painful, but knowing you’re not alone does offer some comfort. There should be more help, more understanding of what emotions we go through, some help to go over how you really feel. I wasn’t even asked if I was sure from the clinic. And when I asked what to do about the first pill it was only advised to terminate. I’ve let myself down I feel failed by myself. But I’m learning to understand I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Looking back I feel someone just woke me up from a nightmare and told me what I’ve just done. I still can’t believe it. 💔 but I’m learning to fry and forgive myself, although seems impossible.
I just wish I knew then what I know now. All I want now is my baby. All the worries have disappeared because the fear took over and made me act so irrational, im not sure I’ll ever be ok with it. But reading the stories of women really do help. I thought I was the only one to make a decision I would deeply regret. If they only made more noise about this side of abortion then maybe they could save so many people, and their future lives. But no support is given. I feel let down by the clinic and people around me telling me this was the right choice due to my mh. But now seeing how bad it’s affected me im actually far worse than I was before. I did this and that’s the worst part. But when I look back to it all,‘I was all over the place. I was clearly out of my mind. So it’s the hardest most painful lesson to date, and I’ve had a rough life as it is..but nothing comes close to this. Not even losing my step mother and watching her pass last September made me feel this depressed and I was completely broken after losing her. This feeling is unbearable, because I did it to myself. So right now I’m trying my best to take something from this other than pain and regret. One woman said on another post to another women who both suffered abortion grief, at least you now know what you truly want And this time it will be so different. Which is what I focus on, I never knew all this before.
the hormones, the prenatal depression, the fear the panic of “my life’s going to be ruined”
i never felt pregnant I didn’t have any sickness or anything. Just ate so much, since the abortion I feel like a mum. I feel more maternal now than I’ve ever felt.’ Perhaps the loss and the pain of losing something so precious. But I feel like I want this more than anything in this world, where as before i was so scared and wasn’t ready and all the worry and panic. All I want now is a second chance and I believe it will happen, I know it will. Because I’m a good person, who made a very bad choice with the lack of tools given. I wasn’t thinking straight whatsoever, and now I see everything so clearly I know what I truly want.
it gives me so much warmth hearing your story and how you’ve had that opportunity 3
months later. ❤️
did you actively try? Was it something you were focusing on? Because I am now just wanting to try again, and I know I’ll be told not too so soon by many. But it’s all I want, I understand I’ll probably have the panic again but this time with wide eyes, I’ll know everything I know now. Which I would never of known before. It’s been three weeks and I’m still bleeding, so unsure when my period will start, or when I’ll be ovulating as it’s now hard to know my cycle. How long did it take for you? Was it a while after your cycle started again?
I really appreciate the support as the women’s on here are the only ones who truly know our pain. I come on here looking for peace and comfort everyday, so I really do thank you all for sharing and offering support, ❤️❤️🙏🏼 sending my love to all us brave women who have endured such pain, that we deserve the happy ending xx

I’m here to support I understand your pain and Sending my prayers to you 🙏🏼

@Forgiveness please don't feel like you've let yourself down. You made the decision based on how you were feeling at the time. Forgive yourself. Sorry for the late reply. I've been dealing with crap in my personal life and post partum anxiety!

I think of it like that too if I didn't terminate that one maybe I would have terminated another. But now that it's done I know I'll never do it again. Do you have any kids?

We did the deed after I finished bleeding without protection and the month I did get pregnant... had sex every other day during my fertile window. Got pregnant wasn't excited when the hormones entered my body and started feeling the nausea. Every day was a battle. I understood why I terminated as the one before the sickness was really bad. Had high blood pressure in pregnancy on and off too. That was another factor why I terminated.

Do you use the flo app? Log ur bleeding in it and then see. Maybe you'll have to wait for another cycle to know ur fertile window. U could use ovulation sticks etc or just do the deed and see...

Please don't worry and don't blame yourself. It's just one of those things where it's out of our hands. I do believe anxiety takes over at the start.

@heartbroken22 thank you for your reply, hope your feeling ok bless you ❤️
it’s 7 weeks today, and I’m not so emotional as I was. I’m still signed off work, but hope to be back in the next week. I’ve needed these 8 weeks off to process everything, and will defo be trying again from
December, I haven’t any kids yet.:. And now I realise it’s all I want, it’s been a major lesson the hardest and most painful one, as the regret is so real. Especially as I see so many women announcing and it’s hard, I have managed to try and forgive myself, as I was driven by the darkest fear and panic. But now I truly see everything so clearly.
how far gone are you? How’s everything going apart from the sickness and emotions.
x

Hiya, I'm the OP and it's also 7 weeks post today. I've only just returned to my studies and work and it's been so so hard. I don't cry as much as I did, but I think about it for a good proportion of my day everyday. It's really tough, I didn't expect to ever feel like this.

@Forgiveness I had my baby in July she's now 8 weeks! Some days she makes me think about having more babies and other days it's a firm no as it's hard work 😂

@rosekate203 I'm so sorry you're feeling like this but I can empathise and relate. Somebody would be talking to me and I'd be dreaming of the terminated baby as though I was hypnotised. I would hug my children and cry cry cry until no tears left. Everybody who told me it's okay it's for your health so it went back to the normal routine and I felt like I was buried deep in my grave suffocating.

Is your partner supportive? Would you try again? Have hope we'll meet the baby we lost in heaven some day. There needs to be more help from the NHS or wherever for women who find out they're pregnant. It's a shock to the system for some and anxiety can take over. It really affects your mental health and the choices u make.

@rosekate203 I came across your post late 2023 after having gone through the exact same as you on 18th July 2023 but saved it with the intention to message you when I felt more composed. I think we must have gone through this on more or less the same day as each other? I just wondered how you are now almost 2 years has passed. When I say I went through the same as you, I mean even down to the being turned away initially as MSI said they thought I was too upset to physically telling them I didn't want to go ahead as I was being put to sleep yet they went ahead and did it anyway. I'd love to hear from you whether via this thread or by direct message x