I don’t really know what I’m hoping to achieve by writing this but I am absolutely distraught and heartbroken from what I have done. I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly and about 6 1/2 weeks along which was even more of a shock as I had still had AF as normal. My husband had just lost one of his parents and we were all grieving and making arrangements so I just put the tiredness and emotions down to that, I only realised when I felt nauseous and it was constant. I was struggling to take care of my children or to do anything at all for weeks, so my husband had to take over my role aswell as his own. As soon as we found out he was against having another baby and said that if I continued I would be doing it on my own. I was very torn and would have appreciated a conversation rather than his initial response but I also appreciate that he was in shock and still grieving a huge loss himself. After a long week of debating we decided it was best to terminate the pregnancy. We already have two children And they have additional needs, a genetic duplication so the chances of baby having the same condition were very high although we would have had no way of knowing until baby was born. Physically and mentally I know I wouldn’t have been able to cope with another as our life is very stressful as it is with the children as they need constant care, and financially we would have struggled to support another especially if their needs were the same. I just can’t forgive myself even with all of that I feel horrendous. I had a medical abortion with tablets and I was about 8 weeks, friends that I had spoken to had told me what to expect and the clinic, however my experience was much more traumatic than I had anticipated and ended with the sack breaking and me seeing the foetus which has absolutely destroyed me mentally. I feel like it was punishment for what I have done and the decision I made, the guilt is destroying my soul and consuming my every thought. It doesn’t help that my husband has not been supportive on an emotional level at all, like he has no space for any more grief after his loss and I feel completely on my own in this. My family are supportive but the one person I need it from can’t give it to me. I have looked into counselling but I just think I’m never going to forgive myself. I had a termination at 17 surgically and I never got over it, although I feel I was pressured into that by my ex and this time
is even worse because it’s on my hands. I guess I’m just hoping for someone who’s had a similar experience who has any advice. I feel like the worst person in the world x