Is this regret or just a normal emotion?

[Alexandra84]

I was 8 weeks pregnant with third child, and last night had an early medical abortion. The procedure itself was fine, just to reassure anyone contemplating this, and when I woke up this morning, despite a very uncomfortable and sleepless night, it was all ‘over’.
I can’t say I’m 100 per cent content that it was the right decision.
The last few weeks have been challenging with trying to decide what to do about this, but also a hospital stay for my youngest who has a medical condition. To be in a hospital, surrounded by children who have such awful a child upsetting situations was extremely tough.
I know this probably added to my (and my husbands anxiety) with ‘what if this baby is born with something wrong’. I’ve told myself time and time again that what we were witnessing was a tiny, though very sad, snapshot of peoples lives, and it was distorting our opinions.
On top of this, we’ve been told my little boys very serious, life shortening, medical condition is likely to need more care than we had thought. So he becomes our priority, and I’d never forgive myself for not being able to look after his needs as well as I could if there were another baby.
But despite all of this, I cannot get the image of a baby with my other two children out of my head. I’ve kept everything for years, baby toys and clothes stashed away in cupboards in the hope of ‘what if’.
And last night, through panic and worry and uncertainty I took that little bit of hope away.
What if I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I know I will ‘naturally’ feel rubbish now, with hormones all over, but I cannot stop imagining my life with ‘just’ two children. I know that sounds stupid. I’m so lucky, so so lucky to have them, I know other people who aren’t so fortunate, and they’d be entitled to hate me right now. But I feel like I’ve left them down too. My husband keep saying, ‘we can give them so much more’. I’ve tried explaining that no one ever looks back on a childhood that had lots of material items and says it was great. He’s an only child from a very small family.
I just feel so lost, and no one to explain it to. And then we all have to put a brave face on and carry on tomorrow as though none of this ever happened.

Hi, its totally normal, and very common, to feel the way your feeling right now. People who are 100% certain they are making the right decision often feel the same way. Having a little one in hospital is extremely difficult to navigate and very emotionally taxing. You can only do the thing that feels right for you and your family at this time. A lot of people make the same decision. Try not to think about, 'what if's...' as this will 100% make you feel worse. Our thoughts often don't reflect our truth or reality. There is free telephone counselling availible from the provider of the procedure that can help you navigate these thoughts in a caring way, it might be worth considering calling them to access this? Either way, you need to rest and relax wherever you can and take care of yourself for you and your family. These feelings will subside and you will feel better than you do right now.

sounds such a tough time and there is no right decision in all of this. i think as a society we are told abortion is a free choice and not fully prepared for the mental fall out from it. i know not everyone struggles after but many do. it does not mean that it was the wrong decision but its hard when there are two forks in the road and you take one for head reasons but not necessarily heart. Providers will offer counselling- make sure you take it to talk through your feelings, you deserve support. There is also a charity called ARCH who have a helpline and can speak at any time. you may go through a grief process as you are mourning what could have been and feel so much more complex because of the context. but it will get better- it may always be part of you but the rawness will subside. message any time- there are a few of us on here who've been through it and literally it was the other ladies on here who got me through that period x

You definitely will feel better than you do now, I can vouch for that. And I’m so sorry to hear about your little boys condition, that must be so very difficult.

I aborted what would have been my third child a year ago because I thought I’d be disadvantaging my existing children - both financially (although that does seem less important now) and emotionally, by not being able to be there for them as much as I could with just two, amongst other things. I do suffer from terrible health anxiety which took me away from them both a lot in the earlier years though. They’re nearly 5 and nearly 3 now and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t often imagine a third there with them. But it’s easy to forget how fixated I was about health problems or the many other concerns I had before I made the decision to abort now I’m on the other side.

I know I made the right decision at the time and I’m grateful for the time I’ve been able to dedicate to them and the experiences we’ve been able to have because I wasn’t either pregnant or newly postpartum. But I also haven’t been able to let go of the idea of trying again and to be honest it’s tormenting me. I’m 36 now and putting pressure on myself to make the decision.

All this to say, I empathise, I’m sorry you’re in this situation and you can try to get pregnant in the future if you do realise that’s what you want.