Pregnant and don't know what to do

[guesswhoisbackagain]

Please help! I have no one to talk to,
I am 38 with 2dc and a dp. 6 weeks ago thought we would "see if a third happened", however quickly stopped after our main source of support announced they are immigrating (this isn't going to change) and it gave us a reality check that we have no support and had got carried away. However it was too late, I've found out I am pregnant, I thought because of my age it would take much longer.

Financially we are ok, but a 3rd would mean we have to cut back significantly as our earning potential would change. We have little space in our home. We have almost no support now.

DP is clear he does not think it would be right to have this baby, he is 45 and feels unable to take on so much without wider support. He thinks our own children will suffer as we wont be able to go on holiday, afford pets, and days out will be limited, there will be no one to babysit or help out with the third. He will support me whatever I decide but his feelings have not changed. I feel the same, that my 2 dc would suffer but my heart is telling me something different.

When I think of abortion my instant feeling is relief. But I'm really struggling with the weight of the decision. I can't stop crying and going back and fourth.

I love my dc so much, they are my world. I suffer with anxiety and had an eating disorder that I still battle with and I worry about the impact on them and me. I worry about going back to the sleepless nights and the emotional effect of that, the impact of less space and less money with no help. The impact on my relationship especially as dp doesn't want it.

I know a baby would be so loved, a big part of me would love to have another one and I feel so guilty I might be depriving my children of a sibling. I feel guilty that a few weeks ago I was so sure I wanted this but now i feel different. We made such a stupid decision which impacts everything.

Whatever decision is made is going to leave me with huge guilt. I have a consultation with an abortion clinic next week but have no one else to talk to.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

Currently in a similar situation. Although I only have one and do want to give him a sibling at some point, for me it’s the timing - condom broke, and like you, thought it wouldn’t happen by accident at my age (37) My little boy will need me a lot over the next few weeks due to medical tests and a house move - my severe sickness and now kidney infection mean I can’t guarantee that. Right now I’m leaning towards thinking that I will never regret putting my little boy first and can consider another when we’ve planned for it.

I had a scan at a clinic yesterday and I’m not even 6 weeks yet so I feel I can rationalise it as a late period, that I’ve been wishing for every day for two weeks. I feel this way, I take on all the regret and guilt, and it doesn’t need to affect my little boy any more than it already has.

I don’t know if I’m just driving myself mad though.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to trauma dump - just so you know you’re not the only one is this position. I found the women at the clinic so kind and easy to talk to without judgement.

Thank you for sharing and sorry you are going through this too.

What are the next steps for you now that you have had the scan at the clinic? The clinic didn't talk me through the next steps on the phone, I have an appointment next week.

I have the pills to take when I can make sure it’s all timed right for my partner to be able to look after my little boy.

The scan was vaginal as it’s so early, it’s all very discrete and dignified. They needed to be sure of my dates due to me still breastfeeding - it can muddle things up, but I was spot on.

Bizarrely, apart from actually walking in, the time in the clinic was the most calm and reassured I’ve felt throughout. The midwife even gave me a hug as she left for her lunch. Everyone was so kind. And all the other women there are in the same boat so there’s an unspoken solidarity between everyone.

Still in two minds in many ways but can’t let things go on any longer.

I am so happy to hear that they treated you with compassion. I think the hardest thing for me has been keeping it secret as I feel I would be judged by friends.

How many pills is it and how far apart? I hope you can feel at peace with your decision soon.

Thank you.
Right now I feel like I’ll never feel peace again.

It will be one pill and then at least 24 but ideally 36 hours later, inserting 4, then a further two after another 4 hours

Did they offer you any counselling?
When I think of abortion I feel relief but then deep deep sadness. I spend 80% of the time sure abortion is the right thing but then out of no where I will suddenly feel differently. I don't know if part of it is hormones?

It’s hard to untangle hormones from real thoughts. They did offer counselling, they do phone counselling too.

Hi, how are you feeling?

Hey, yesterday I felt sure I had made a decision and that having the baby wouldn't be right. But feel completely different today, full of doubts. I have given myself the deadline of deciding by my appointment next week as I hate having the side effects of pregnancy whilst knowing I might not go through with it.
How are you?

I know what you mean. I feel at peace with a decision then doubt starts pushing me the other way.

My instincts are still saying to guarantee being there for my little boy when he really needs me as well as the practicalities of being able to move house (hyperemisis). Then I start fantasising about ‘what if’ and how happy my family and partner would be and it stops me.

Sadly my partner is at the end of his tether and has lost patience with me talking about it and going round and round - he’s upset because he wants to continue with the pregnancy so I understand why he can’t talk any more.

I keep reminding myself that I have to live and make these decisions based on reality. My little boy could have proper me back in a few days if I go ahead now and we can plan properly for a sibling after the move and to have more support when I’m too poorly to look after him, also he’d be a little older and more able to understand.

It feels impossible but if I could snap my fingers to have my period I would, so this shouldn’t really be different yet it feels so much bigger.

I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I wish there was a simple way to know what the right answer is.

Yes I understand what you mean. When I imagine having a miscarriage all I can think of is relief. Maybe I wouldn't feel like that in reality but surely the fact I think like this means that I should know abortion is the right thing? But it doesn't feel like that.

I had hoped that there would be someone who has gone through this would come along and be able to give us their insight but no such luck.

Sadandscaredmum have you thought anymore about when you would take the pills if you do decide to?

I hope you're ok

Sorry for the silence. I had to get out of my head for a while.

I realised I really can’t parent my little boy with HG, even so early on I’ve not been able to function for him so I’ve gone ahead. It’s the right thing to do for him and for me. I don’t know what the future will hold and that’s okay because I’ve got him.

I just don’t have the emotional or physical capacity (recurrent kidney infections that I could be hospitalised for on top of HG) to be pregnant right now. The ‘what ifs’, the worries, the fears, the guilt, the shame - none of them change that. I have to be honest with myself.

I took the pill yesterday, and today I’ve been able to read to him without retching.

I will delete this account soon because I want to draw a line under all this but just want to warn you that there seem to be lots of prolifers infiltrating it with horror stories or pretending to be sympathetic but using very emotive language to sway people. Try to talk to your clinic counsellors, they’re the ones who know the facts and will help you most. It’s their words that keep coming back to me - they helped me separate my reality from the society’s, and to be honest, my own projected judgements. Most women find themselves in this position at some point in their life, we just don’t talk about it.

It sounds like you have made absolutely the right decision for you and you DC. It also sounds like you have a bit of peace about the decision?

Can I ask what helped you make the decision? Or did you not feel certain until you took the pill?

I have my telephone appointment tomorrow, I will request counselling. Not being able to talk to anyone in real life is the hardest thing

I wouldn’t say peace as such. Resignation and a bit more self compassion.

I’m trying really separate reality from the emotional baggage that comes with it ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this’ ‘this isn’t who I am’, etc. It’s healthcare - I’ve always believed that and should apply it to myself too. I think doing that allowed me to be a bit more objective.

I wasn’t sure at all, I spent the day with the pill in my hand - it was in my mouth twice before I swallowed it. The hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Time will tell how I cope with it.

They will be happy to speak to you and they’re so kind. They don’t have an agenda, they just want to help you reach a decision that’s right for you.

Hi OP, how are you? Please can I ask what you decided? I’m in a very similar position x