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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Abortion for wanted second child?

10 replies

Userus · 06/07/2023 11:37

I have a 2.5yr old and wanted a second child. Fell pregnant very quickly and am now booked in to collect the pills for a medical at home abortion tomorrow.

We didn't talk a lot about planning to get pregnant. We wanted to start to try over the summer. I stopped the pill thinking it would take a bit of time for my cycle to come back. It didn't and I got pregnant instantly so this is sooner than we wanted and a shock.

We have enough money and a very large 2 bed flat. The mortgage has increased though as have food prices and there are no holidays to cut so money would be tight. We would have to move eventually with two.

I have no family (parents passed, sibling abroad) and no support from OH family. My DD was a very hard baby. Wanted to be held constantly, didn't sleep, she is still a character. The minute I found out I was pregnant I felt terrified. People say you 'just get on with it' with 2 but that's all fine until you don't 'just cope'.

My husband works long hours and I effectively single parent with no family support. All this 'you just cope' s**t - what if I don't cope? I shake the new baby, they take my daughter into care and I go to prison. I honestly feel I have the second one my life might end up like this.

I work 4 days a week. My job isn't secure. I'm doing a postgrad course I can't afford and won't have time for if I have another child. I'm scared I won't find another job without the qualification. I'm scared of never having free time ever again.

I like the idea of 2 older children. I know I will regret an abortion long-term with an only child. I hate the thought of ruining my life short-term and of 'trying to get through' the early years when I enjoy my daughter so much right now. I know my life will be objectively worse for quite a long time with 2 and I hate the thought of being pregnant and watching the nice times ticking away until the second baby comes and everything is terrible.

I don't want my daughter to miss out on attention. While I have one child we can travel to see friends, who are happy for me and play with her. I think if I had 2 that would stop. I don't drive and I can't take 2 kids long distances of hours on a train. There would be no more swimming lessons and little luxuries like toddler groups.

My husband is keen for the abortion. He says it's my choice and refuses to be drawn on his preference but I have said I will abort and he seems delighted.

We met young and were together 10yrs before kids. He was unsure on children. Then I wanted my DD and he didn't. I said it was a deal breaker and I would not want to stay in the relationship without children and he compromised. He was happy to have a second as he adores our first, but equally he doesn't like change, doesn't want to move house, an abortion preserves the status-quo which is good for him.

I just wanted to say this out loud as I feel awful but have nobody to talk to. Husband won't chat and no friend I could tell. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing? I wont try for another after this, I'm 36 and wouldn't have an abortion just to try again later, that would be silly. I need to be happy with no second child.

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RecycledKettle · 07/07/2023 04:33

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Userus · 07/07/2023 07:57

Thanks for taking the rime to reply RecycledKettle.

Writing everything down helped. I feel a lot calmer and secure in the choice and am 100% for the abortion.

It was planned but crucially when I was shocked my husband didn't say 'why are you crying, we planned this, it will be ok'.

I would love a second child. I would love another kid for my daughter to play with, but I was daydreaming about an ideal situation where there's an 'I'm going to be a big sister' pregnancy card and enough money and time and space.

Probably if things had gone slower I would have realised I was being a fool before I got pregnant. We could make the money and space work, but the time and lack of support isn't going to change.

It's better to enjoy what you've got rather than looking over your shoulder at what other people have and potentially risk it. I'm ok with that today :)

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nirthernmoneky · 07/07/2023 19:47

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Userus · 07/07/2023 23:41

I'm 36. There will be no second baby. As I said, it would be silly to get rid of a child to have another later, I have to accept having only one.

My husband didn't want children. He compromised with me and we have a daughter but I can't get over the fact he didn't originally want her (even though he adores her now). He was happy to have a second as he loves DD so much but when I freaked out he did nothing to calm me down and has continued to do nothing.

He says he was raised that it's a woman's choice about abortion and to him, that means saying nothing either way. However we've been together a long time, I know he hates change, I believe he doesn't want the baby. He agreed to a second because he loves our daughter but he doesn't really want a second. He wants me to be happy and saw an out.

Either way, the first pill is down and the 4 tablets are lined up for Sunday so it's done now. He had his chance to say 'I would love a second baby' and he didn't so I think its fair to say he didn't want more children. Thats ok. I can be happy with the lovely child I have :)

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Userus · 07/07/2023 23:49

Please don't think I coerced my husband. I didn't and truly would never. It's more that he doesn't express his opinion much and I'm left in a vacuum trying to second guess him.

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guesswhoisbackagain · 08/07/2023 00:31

Op I am in a similar situation to you but with a third child. I just wanted to say I'm sorry your going through this and I understand how you feel.

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Sadandscaredmum · 08/07/2023 08:25

How did you manage to reach a solid conclusion? And be at peace with it? I’m struggling with guilt and shame.

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nirthernmoneky · 08/07/2023 09:01

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nirthernmoneky · 08/07/2023 09:03

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Workwok · 19/09/2023 10:53

OP I am sorry you are going through this. What did you decide eventually?
In a similar boat as you.

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