I (F27) and my boyfriend (M33) have been together for one year. Our relationship and communication is very happy and harmonious, we are serious and have lived together for 9 of those 12 months and are planning a future together. I have been in long term serious relationships before and while a year isn’t long I can confidently say this relationship is different and I believe this is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and he says the same.
he already has two daughters from a previous relationship (4 and 6) We have them every Wednesday and every other weekend plus 50% of all school holidays, he pays the mother of the children a lot of money (over a thousand) each month and the harmony between all is relatively sound and the kids are happy, celebrated and loved in both homes.
In our house, I do the lions share of the organisation when it comes to his kids, making sure their favourite food is always in the house, organising fun activities, making sure all their school uniform is washed and their clothes are clean to send back to their mum ect. He is a fantastic dad and the kids worship the ground he walks on but much like many men, organisation and thinking ahead is not his forte so a lot of that does end up being me.
Both my boyfriend and I are financially stable now but we are in the process of setting up a business together (doing what we do now but for ourselves) this will be very difficult with a lot of hard work for the first year but if all goes to plan will result in tripling our incomes.
6 months ago, 6 months in our relationship, I fell pregnant for the first time in my life. Before this we had been what I now realise was reckless, I’ve grown to hate contraception over the years for the effect it has on my mental health, I had started to use an app that tracked my ovulation period ect, we would use condoms during and a few days either side of my ovulation period which obviously didn’t work. The first time the decision was easier, we were 6 months in to our relationship, I had just started a new position at work and I simply wasn’t ready to have a baby and my boyfriend agreed it wasn’t the right time for us, it still wasn’t an easy decision and both of us found it upsetting and physically it was tough on me but we supported each other through it, came out the other end and moved on with our lives.
Now, 6 months later, much to my absolute shock - I am pregnant again (3 weeks) We have used condoms religiously ever since last time, there was one time a condom split but it was safely out my ovulation period so we thought we should be ok. We weren’t.
This time things feel more complicated, I had said to my boyfriend if I fall pregnant again I would take it as a sign and want to keep the baby and he coincidentally said a few days before I fell pregnant for the second time that he would be happy and excited to do it with me if it happened again. Now we are actually in the situation it’s more complex, he said the major thing for him is feeling like we are going to lose on the first few years of our relationship just enjoying each other, our plan is pretty solid and something we have talked about a lot, we want to have both left our jobs by the end of this year, spend next year working hard to build the business up as much as possible, enjoy the extra freedom of working for ourselves and travel as much as possible when we don’t have his kids and with them when we do then in 2 years start hiring people for the business, have more of a set office, settle down and start a family together. Having this baby now would obviously mean a change of plans, we would still go freelance but things would be tougher financially and mentally and we would say goodbye to any freedom to travel or celebrate our wins that we have now.
I largely agree with my boyfriend on this, I’m petrified of feeling like I lost out and had a baby unplanned and what feelings that may bring in future life. But there’s a part of me that feels maybe if my boyfriend was delighted and instilling me with confidence I would want to keep the baby as my feelings aren’t as black and white as last time. I can’t help but think about the fact he already has two kids with someone else and it’s making me feel resentful towards him at times for not being overcome with joy, even though I’m not sure I am.
His kids mum has them most of the time and I have a lot of respect for her for that, I know that the schedule myself and my boyfriend have with the kids is centred around fun and still leaves us with a lot of freedom but as a childless woman in her 20s there are sacrifices I made by choosing to be in this relationship, for example it’s summer right now and instead of being away on romantic holidays all our trips are centred around kids. I adore the kids and want to put my all into my part in their lives but when I’m already doing that, it feels hurtful that my boyfriend isn’t leaping toward doing it with me and that I am potentially not going to love and protect my own flesh and blood when I love and protect his kids with another woman.
An example of the contrast will be, the abortion is booked for next week, if I go through with it I will be aborting my own child one day and the very next day taking one his daughters to horse riding club just me and her. I am worried I may resent my boyfriend for this or question how he views me or this relationship. There is nothing he has ever done that has made me feel anything other than secure and loved in this relationship and I believe the reason he wouldn’t want to keep it is because he’s excited about the journey we are going on as a couple and having those years just him and I before having a baby together but a part of me wonders if I’m scared and potentially not keeping the baby because I don’t have that confidence from him and being that he already has two kids, I don’t know if I’m just being silly and it’s the hormones but there is a twang of resentment in my heart towards him right now.
Any advice would be so appreciated.