Really need advice - feeling dreadful!

[A2003]

Hello,
my partner and I are unexpectedly pregnant after failed contraception. I’m 37 and actually had my hormones tested as we were on the fence about kids and I know so many struggle. Came back saying I’d struggle potentially (elevated fsh and lh) and that I need to consider getting started now if we want them. Neither of us would want to go down ivf if we couldn’t conceive naturally and both of us have felt very much ambivalent (hormone test was in case I had major issues and it would solve the dilemma).

Our living situation isn’t stable (we’re actually on a large modern house boat which we plan to sell to move on land but it can take a while!). We also both work for ourselves and although business is good for both of us, we hadn’t come close to thinking about impacts of childcare costs or taking time out. I’m also clearing debt and would struggle to qualify for a mortgage.

My partner is very sure that to continue with the pregnancy now isn’t the right thing. He grew up with parents that split due to various financial pressures and doesn’t want the same for a child we’d bring into the world. We’re talking about our long term plans and can see a child in them, potentially for the first time.

I’m terrified that if we terminate that we won’t be able to have one when we’re eventually ready to actively try (a year or so from now) which he thinks is daft given how easily this happened whilst on birth control.

I can’t stop crying and felt waves of uncontrollable grief last night after we discussed at length that termination might be the right thing. I also feel horrendously guilty having many friends struggling to conceive etc.

any kind words of advice out there? I’m at a total loss and feel utterly alone :(

At your age

and given your reaction

not a flipping chance would I abort this baby. Not. A. Chance

Thank you for replying so quickly. Hugely appreciated x

My accidental pregnancy happened at 36, I never even wanted children, was (and still am not) financially stable.

She's hands down the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me.

You find the money, you make it work. People used to say it to me when I was pregnant and I would roll my eyes.

You do, you make it work. In your position where you DO want a child in the future, I'd absolutely not consider abortion. Financial pressure when you have a child is huge yes. There are lots of things that teat your relationship when you add a child into the dynamic. Have you both thought about the heartache and resentment if you can't get pregnant when you are "stable enough".

Thank you such a lot for this. And congratulations on your daughter xx

I never thought I’d feel like this (I’m a pragmatist in every sense and was leaning heavily towards not wanting children). Now this has happened the idea of not being able to conceive in the future makes me think I’d struggle to forgive myself… This doesn’t really seem to have landed for my bf (we found out two days ago).

I’m so grateful for your reply

Whilst its not everyone's experience the other thing is that termination changes you. i thought we would just go back to how we are- but it doesn't. it will always be there whats happened whereas i think partners see it as just a medical process and problem solved. when we were making the decision my partner just considered practicalities and i to got caught up with them rather than also considering heart. how will you feel if you terminate towards your partner? i know i had a lot of anger and resentment towards him. It can be useful to try and talk to someone independent- there are counselling charities out there. the mistake i made was my partner and i just disucssing it together and i got caught up with his rational views rather than thinking about how we could make things work. The other thing is that even when i had a planned prengnancy and was financally stable i still had the same worries- those first few weeks its really common to have prenatal anexity and the wtf have i done. and these are only intensified when its unplanned. Please message any time. it is a lonely place to be in and i know my thoughts just spiralled x

Thank you for such a generous reply @Saskia2023
I’m so sorry that you went through what you did. I am only just starting to understand what so many women go through when making that decision. My partner sees it as a procedure (and so did I until I actually connected with what it means for me - understand that this is different for everyone).

The feeling of resentment towards him also frightens me. I hadn’t even considered counselling but will absolutely pursue that. I’ll message you too. Thank you such a lot for sharing your experience x

Please do message- like you say i ve always been do prochoice until i went through it (im a similar age) and realise things are so much more complex than I realised. thats not to say its the right choice for some women- it certainly is. but just its getting your thoughts clear so you make the right choice for you whatever that may be, x

@Saskia2023 thank you xx

What Saskia said. I terminated my third pregnancy (have two children already) for many reasons and although I’m at peace with it being the best decision I could’ve make at the time the emotional fallout was massive. I definitely had prenatal anxiety. I’m now 36 and considering trying again.

I was pretty ambivalent about getting pregnant the first time, my partner was the driving force, but hands down these kids are the best thing to have happened to me.

From what you’ve written it sounds like you want to continue with the pregnancy. Whichever way you go I’d really recommend having your reasons for the decision you make written clearly somewhere for you to refer back to when you need it, because you’re probably going to have moments of fear and doubt either way.

I feel for you as it’s an incredibly difficult choice to have to make. Hope you get some clarity!

@Tcr1987 thank you for taking the time to reply and for sharing your experience. I feel more strongly that I wouldn’t be able to go through with terminating the pregnancy than I did a couple of days ago (argh), but I feel dreadful about it given my other half is so spun out. He’s now saying he’s not sure if he would ever want them (which is new - wondering if that’s panic).
I’m sorry to hear of the emotional fall out from your experience. It’s what I’m the most worried about. Thanks also for sharing how much you adore your kids! I hope you land on the right decision for you as to whether you’d try again. Thanks again for replying to me :)

Hi there,
I wanted to thank you all for replying. We’ve agreed to go ahead with the pregnancy! My partner is fully supportive (if daunted).
Giving ourselves the time to reflect on it individually and together made all the difference. Thanks again for the support x

That’s great news, glad you’ve come to a decision. I feel relieved on your behalf!

I hope your partner starts to feel less daunted as time goes on. For me with my first pregnancy actually seeing the baby at the first scan was quite pivotal in how I felt about things. Would still totally recommend that you have a list of reasons for continuing, in case you have times when you could do with the reminder.

😊

Thank you @RecycledKettle and @Tcr1987 😌 we’re both really happy we made that decision.
Just fighting off the anxiety about something going wrong now ! Here we go! X