Another mum of three in a similar situation, and so overwrought with worry and anguish about what to do for the best - for my children, myself, our future.
I am roughly 6-7 weeks along and had a huge shock 2 weeks ago when I suspected I was experiencing the start of Perimenopause, (I’m 39, but we start menopause young in my family) but is actually a 4th pregnancy. We have discussed it deeply and at length, and have many areas of our family’s life and my health especially that would be at real risk of breaking down if we went ahead with the pregnancy. We have three sons, aged 9, 6 and 4 - my eldest is autistic, high functioning, but has needed a lot of support especially with his wellbeing since his early years. I have a long history of struggling with anxiety, and am midway through a late diagnosis of ASC having had a nervous breakdown earlier this year that was actually most likely to have been triggered by autistic burnout - caring and supporting my eldest son has been incredibly hard for long periods, although it does feel that he is increasingly thriving and we understand him much better, so can support him in a more nuanced way. Yet I also have PTSD from his birth alongside significant gynae issues (prolapses, urge incontinence - there is a high risk of faecal incontinence if I ever went through a natural birth again) and there is some suggestion there has been attachment disorder in the mix with him, although we have come such a long way he and I towards having a good bond and happy relationship.
My middle son has been experiencing difficulties since midway through the Covid pandemic, and this has sadly translated into his struggling a great deal with anxiety and overwhelm that means he too needs a lot of compassionate attention and time - he is very attached to me, and looks to me rather than daddy for this. He also finds being caught in the middle of his older brother (who has historically taken his frustrations out on him, and been very domineering, sometimes callous and mean which has resulted in a low self confidence) and younger brother, who there just seems to be that level of friction of being quite close in age and similar temperaments, really challenging.
Plus, we live in a project house (about 6-9 months away from completion - a house we shouldn’t have bought but that’s another sorry tale). The house is 14 miles away from the boys’ school, and sometimes takes 4-5 hours of commuting to get to and from - we hoped to finish the house and move closer to school, but with interest rates etc. in chaos, who knows!
I’ve had an assessment with BPAS last week, and my treatment arrived earlier this week. So we have an option on the table, but when it came to trying to take the pill to start termination, I just couldn’t do it, quite physically feeling my heart breaking and uncontrollable shaking all over. It felt almost primally that it wasn’t what I should be doing, even with so many reasons that it would be too much of a toll on us - we just about manage as it is, I had a breakdown just this year, we have almost no support (both sets of grandparents are lovely, but in their 70s and struggling with their own health issues including dementia) financially we again get by, even though my extraordinary husband works really hard - I haven’t been able to work much in the last few years as the children have needed so much full time care, and my littlest just started school this September. I was starting to retrain, but all of this will need to go on a back burner for a few years by which time I will be well into my forties.
Just so overwhelmed by what to do. I know, understand and apologise really sincerely that this will seem almost offensive to be considering terminating to some. And I also appreciate how lucky we are to have the children we already have. I love them to their very atoms. I need some impartial wisdom and sense of how hard this will be to bear either way, as we just don’t have anyone to talk to about it all, and it feels enormous…