I got it wrong - trying again?

[Foolish16]

Hi there,

I don't write this to put others off. Every experience is unique. I'll always be pro choice. I just got it wrong.

3 months ago I had a medical termination. They have been the worst 3 months of my life. My previously totally stable mental health has been shattered.

When I found out I was pregnant, I now see I went into crisis mode. Thought I could take the pills and that would be that. Didn't speak to anyone apart from my partner who was supportive either way, said the choice had to be mine. Thought I was doing the right thing by putting my two children first. Ignored the part of me that had previously always wanted a third!! Could only see negatives. Within hours of taking the first pill, it was like the spell was lifted and I could see what I wanted and a deep regret and despair set in. I called up and was told there was nothing they could do and I had to complete the termination.

It's been terrible since but I'm getting better.

I am now considering trying for another baby. I know it won't make it right, in a lot of ways it will make it even more wrong. But I can't imagine my life without a third now. This is not a knee jerk reaction, this is something I wanted previously and then messed up with panic when it happened unexpectedly.
I just got it badly wrong. But it's done and that's that. I can't go back and change it.

I would like another chance though. It has at least shown me what matters.
Can anyone please tell me their experiences of pregnancy after abortion?
Will it make my guilt worse? Will I be able to bond? I'm scared about always thinking of the could have been and thoughts of the other.
Do I now never get to have another baby because I made the wrong choice in that situation?

Hello sorry you feel this way.

I could have written a lot of your post myself so totally understand all you are feeling.

I had my life all planned and my DS was my last, a decision I was to totally happy and comfortable with.
We then has a really awful start to the year which made us loose sight of what we were doing and I ended up getting pregnant totally by mistake.

I went into instant panic and was living in fight or flight mode without even realising this was actually going on. I had the most awful pregnancy symptoms I’ve ever had and got to a stage where I was sleeping most of the day and couldn’t function. I didn’t realise I was in full on crisis mode and was so worried about letting my kids down I couldn’t think about having another baby and the changes this would bring.

As awful as this sounds we have been treated to a fully paid all inclusive holiday abroad by our 19 year old daughter and if I’d have kept the baby we either wouldn’t have been able to go or I’d have had to stay at home. I definitely wouldn’t have been given the ok to fly at 34 weeks pregnant. This is our first family holiday together abroad and letting my babies who haven’t been on holiday since august 2019 down was just not an option I thought I had.

Everything was about the kids I already have and not once did I stop and consider my feelings, I was not important or so I thought.

2 days after I found out I was pregnant my 10 yo had a gymnastics injury that needed an mri and surgery to fix it with a long recovery ahead. She also has ADHD and severe dyslexia with social communication difficulties so she was my main priority. Our other daughter had also broken her ankle at gym 4 weeks before and I was totally all over the place and chronically overwhelmed by what was unfolding in my life.

I didn’t really talk to my husband in great detail, he told me he was sure it was the right thing to do but would support me either way and tbh he’s an amazing man I know he would have been totally with me had I kept it.

Nothing at all prepared me for what came next though.
I’m not pro life I do believe women should have the choice but I never saw myself as someone who would even consider an abortion let alone actually go through with it.
I had a surgical abortion at 9 weeks, I didn’t plan to wait that long but with my daughters injury and my medical history it had to be done in the main hospital and their theatre slots were few and far between.
I wanted to change my mind and couldn’t believe I was actually doing it but it was all like a dream. Had someone asked if I was sure on the day I may have well said no because by that point I wasn’t. I couldn’t back out then though when all these medical staff were there ready….or so I thought.

I woke up and actually felt relieved. I thought my life would just go back to how it was before I got pregnant but I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The day after I woke up feeling so very sad, I didn’t get why and just brushed it off as a bad day and I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I really wasn’t expecting what hit me and I can honestly say if I didn’t already have kids I wouldn’t be here today. I’ve never experienced pain and hurt like it, self harm was a very appealing way to try and feel something else but once again my kids were the reason I didn’t.
I hate myself for it and no one can hate you as much as you can hate yourself.

7 weeks have passed now and it’s still so very raw but I’ve the most amazing friends who scoop me back up and put me back together most days.
Strangely it’s brought me closer to my husband and we’ve had so many open and honest conversations about other aspects of our relationship.

I’m now not sure if I want another, I’m grieving for the one I had and let go but my body doesn’t know I did it to myself like my head does so it’s a very horrible place to be.
I’ve told my husband I’m no longer able to say I don’t want another. My head constantly wants to be pregnant but deep down I know now is not the right time.

He’s on the waiting list for a vasectomy and this has been as hard on him seeing me go through all this hurt. I’ve asked him to wait till next year so I can deal with my feelings and see things through a clear head which he is ok with doing.

No one tells you this side of abortion, I was given a leaflet that said some women experience some negative feelings but they are usually short lived.
That has been so very wrong for me and I don’t think I will ever be the same person again.

I would never ever have an abortion again and will be open and honest with my daughters if I ever needed to be.
I know for some women it’s not like this but I was never told it could be and feel I was in the dark.

I can’t help with what having another would make you feel like and tbh it worries me that I don’t deserve to have another because I did that but in reality I know the world dose not really work like that.
If I did have another I know that I would love it as much as I do my other and I would know that if I didn’t have the abortion that one wouldn’t be there so I think that would be enough for my to let it go and heal myself.

sorry that’s so very long.

Hi thought I’ll message I’m in same situation I feel torn on what to do, I was only 5 weeks everything happened so fast and has left me with crippling anxiety I think about it everyday and just want a baby

I have been thinking about your post nonstop since I read it two days ago. Every now and then I’ll stumble across something in an online forum, or on Twitter, or Reddit that I can relate to. But this was different; I feel as if I could’ve written your post myself… word for word. Everything you wrote resonated, every little detail.

I terminated a planned third pregnancy in early March (I was 9w). The decision felt impossible (hence my user name); I didn’t want to terminate, but I was also TERRIFIED of having a third child. Fear is a powerful motivator, and it consumed me for the six weeks I knew I was pregnant. The day we went to the clinic, I told my husband “I feel like I’m going to an execution” (which is NOT a commentary on my views about abortion; I have also been and always will be pro choice). When the clinician asked me to rate my confidence about the decision on a scale of 1-10, I said five. Somehow I bullied myself into taking the medication. I felt like I was being “weak” if I didn’t carry out the decision I had arrived at.

Within hours of terminating, I was consumed with regret. Like you said, it was like a fog had immediately been lifted. I saw things with a clarity I hadn’t felt in months. For weeks after the termination, I felt actual physical pains in my uterus when I would think about what I had done; this sounds crazy, I know, but my body was in pain from how heartbroken I felt. I was never suicidal, but it was the lowest I have ever felt. Honestly, there aren’t words to describe it, so I won’t even try.

Fast forward a few months and I’m doing much better. I’m experiencing joy again. I’m feeling more like myself. But I still long for a third child. It feels like a calling, almost. My husband and I have discussed it. I’m not sure what I think. I’m scared I’ll end up in the same mental turmoil I was in before. Or maybe this was the experience to really show me what I want and what is right for our family. Is three months enough time? (I don’t mean physically; I mean emotionally, mental health-wise). And I am turning 40 soon; the clock is ticking… not only on my own fertility, but on an age gap I’m comfortable with for my existing children (who are 5 and 7). And the last few months have aged me terribly. I’ve always been active, athletic, and have felt “young” for my age. But wow… I feel like I’ve aged five years since Christmas. The termination itself, and also the mental strife around it, have worn me down. Will I return to my normal self? Maybe. But maybe not; I think some experiences fast forward our lives a bit, and maybe this is one of them.

This is sort of stream-of-consciousness, so I’m sorry it’s not more articulate, but I really wanted to respond. I almost messaged you privately, but I think there are others out there like us who might benefit from the solidarity of these posts. If you would like to message me and talk further about our similar experiences, I would absolutely be up for that.

Hi did you try for another pregnancy?

How are you now, we both did it same time in march , I ended up having a chemical pregnancy in June and started bleeding exactly the same 5 2 days as the termination when I was pregnant again all those pain I and guilt came like a ton of bricks, I know I’m still not ready for another pregnancy just now as I have to work on my mental health that the abortion caused me maybe in a year or 2 I will be in a better situation to make better decisions if k was ever to get pregnant it will be planned and the pregnancy will not be in vain over ttc after abortion x

I would love to know an update. I’m in a very similar situation. I’d love to know if you went on to have another x

know im not the original poster but rssage bud message if you have questions as went onto have a baby after termination and realising it wasn't what I wanted x

Thank you for replying.

I guess I’m just looking to hear others experiences.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted 2 or 3 children to begin with but after I had my second, I felt sure I was done. Second daughter was such a handful as a baby and toddler. Most of which happened during Covid when I had very little support. By the time she was 3 I was so tired and adamant we wouldn’t have anymore. However I accidentally got pregnant and I just couldn’t imagine having the baby. I felt stretched thin with a 3&5 year old to say the least. My husband thought an abortion was the best thing to do but I didn’t want to do that either. However I didn’t want to resent an innocent child and risk everything for the 2 I had brought into the world. They needed a sane and present mother. So I chose abortion at 6 weeks.

I knew I would suffer due to the guilt and what-ifs and I was right. I have thought about it over and over again. Regretted it and cried more tears than I thought possible. At times I fear I’ve ruined my life and feel like I no longer want to be here because I just can’t handle the reality of what I’ve done. I’ve been through a tonne of counselling and been on medication. It’s helped a bit but I feel like I walk around with hole in my heart.

Will having a planned pregnancy help me move on? Things have changed for us. My husband earns more now. My 3 year old is now 5 and absolute joy. She’s in school so the juggle wouldn’t be so bad. I’m no longer so depleted and honestly I do yearn for a baby.

However, my husband isn’t convinced and time is running out (Im 38). What can I do? Would you say having a 3rd has healed you? Is it wrong to want this?

we had one child who was about 8- got pregnant and paniced ended up terminating when around 6 weeks. i was in this like dark place and paniced that i was ruining everything and didnt access counselling before. within hours of the first tablet i realised it was not what i wanted. within weeks we were trying again- which was too soon as i was not in a good place and should have done what you did and have counselling first. the baby is now 10 months old. ive been beyond lucky to have another chance and so much happier. i am grateful everyday. the pregnancy was hard- i paniced something would go wrong or he would not be well and the other one would have been perfect. now hes here things are so much better- hes helped healed me and his older brother adores hm. i still wish i had kept the first pregnancy and it will always have been something traumatic but i rationalise that we dont know what would have happened to that other pregnancy and my boy is here and well. im 41 so older! so it was a positive thing we did- it hasnt fully healed me but i am in a much happier place than i was and am so lucky ive been given another chance x

I am getting notifications from this thread, which I responded to about a year and a half ago, three months after my termination in March of 2023. Well, fast forward to today and I have a little two month baby napping beside me. My husband and I decided that we did want a third child, so we started trying for one in July of 2023. It took until December for me to become pregnant (I was 40 at the time, so felt lucky it didn't take even longer), and I delivered baby boy #3 in September. It has been quite a journey. Like others here, I still feel sadness about my termination. I will always wonder what could have been. And there's still some feelings of guilt, though I try to give myself grace. But I was not in a good space, mentally, to carry that pregnancy through to term last year. I may never know why that is, or what was different with the pregnancy that I just had, that led to my little boy. But I am so grateful to have gotten this second chance, and welcoming him into our family felt "right" from the second he was born. I hope others here get to experience the families they want, whatever that looks like.

I hope the responses you have had have helped Searching4peace. I think you should go for it.

I had a termination of number 4 and bitterly regret it but I am too old to try again now (45). I too remember all the literature saying sometimes have a moment of sadness but then feel relief and honestly, I think far, far more women bitterly regret their decision than we are led to believe. That literature helped cement my decision to terminate. I tight if be fine. I wasn't.

I hope you find peace whether that means trying for that third or sticking with your two beautiful DC 💐 xxx

Hi,

I am the original poster but I deleted that account. A lot has happened since then. When I wrote that post I was still in a state of total despair - barely eating with no appetite, waking up at 5 in the morning with my heart racing. I've never felt anything like it. Every morning I would wake up with despair and doom hanging over me.

I honestly think that post abortion stress syndrome is a thing for some women. Some of us are more susceptable than others. I've always had quite strong hormonal bonding feelings after giving birth and I really think when I had the termination the hormone crash did something to me, and at least some of the anxiety I experienced afterwards was down to that. And the grief, of course.

I didn't really start to feel any better until the baby's due date passed and I realise that actually some of my concerns had been valid and how hard it would have been. I also took anti depressants but kind of on and off but I don't know if they really helped.

Anyway, moving forward, in July 2023 I had an ectopic pregnancy and was devastated. I felt like (and sometimes still feel like) it was a punishment. I had a tube removed and obviously despaired that I would never have another baby. In October 2023 I miscarried at 5 weeks, but was just relieved that it wasn't another ectopic. Then I gave it one more chance, and in August 2024 my beautiful son was born.

It hasn't been easy. It still isn't always easy. Each time I fell pregnant, I still felt total panic and doubt! I almost even did the same thing again - despite how terrible I'd felt previously. The only thing that stopped me really was the chance that I would feel the same again after (or probably worse) and there really would be no coming back from that. I think some of it was normal pregnancy panic and some of it was a kind of trauma reaction too. I didn't even acknowledge the pregnancy for a while, went into denial, and didn't even get my first scan until 16 weeks. If I sound nuts then it's because I probably was a bit.

But I stuck with it. And little by little I felt better. My son is an absolute blessing and I adore him and his siblings adore him. I still feel sad for the one who never had a chance and even though timing wise it was better this way and obviously I'd never wish my beautiful baby not to be here (just the idea of not having him is devastating), I'll always wonder what if too.