Pregnant at 40 from fling - scared and not sure what to do

[Buttonups]

Hi,
I'm have found out I am pregnant from a short fling, so totally unplanned and not in a relationship with the father, and wont be. I am 40 and no other kids. I just don't know what to do. I'm 14 weeks, I have just plodded through the pregnancy so far, which exhaustion and nausea, hoping I would think clearer in trim 2 and also that my gut feeling would lead me. My gut is terrified and the thought of being a single mum is filling be with misery, financial struggle, being single for a long time and I have struggled so much being on my own in the pandemic. But I am pregnant, the baby is healthy so far and everything is OK with the pregnancy, just I'm not ok. My heart is not even getting a say in here, as the feelings of worry, stress, fear, anxiety, terror for the future, are overarching.

My first thought when I saw the test results, is I don't need this right now: I'm single, was recently made redundant at work and moved to a new town, so have a lot of work to do on my house.

In my mid-late 30s I wanted to have a baby, however the guy I could not conceive with the guy I was with and when I brought it up woth him, he sort of made out he knew he couldn't but would not discuss in detail or consider fertility treatment. So then I was sad and confused, and just pushed the idea of babies to one side as I was emotionally drained from 2-3 years, of me meeting someone, agreeing we wanted a baby, us getting excited and it not working. So iv just been plodding on with life, but iv been miserable just with life in general, which I think is because my whole world changed when we came out of pandemic, and my social life evaporated and went from 5 days in the office, to staring at my laptop workings from home. It has really affected me.

So now at 40, I'm amazed I have gotten pregnant. But I don't feel maternal, just petrified. Will I cope and will I be happy, as I have been unhappy for maybe the last 5 years, with lockdown and a previous break up, and I'm really struggling with life in general.

People I have told, family and friends, are all just positive; this is great and you'll be fine. But it's just going in one ear and out there other, as I think my own defences are in play and I don't actually know what being a (single) parent will be like. I'm just looking for the stories of how hard it is and nothing is landing about the joy of being a mum. Even though it does not feel like MY baby, I know it is a little life and I don't want to be the one to end a life. Iv even wished for miscarriage, so that it is nature that has made the choice. I either wanted to have a child with a daddy involved or be financially strong, to be a independent single mum, but that is not the case. The thought of losing the sort of middle class comforts I have, due to be working hard in my career and going down a few notches, is against what I have worked so hard for all my life and how I would have wanted for me and a child. I don't know if ill be miserable for years or I can get out of the otherwise, as I feel so terrible right now, without the responsibility of a child, and I baby is going to make things much harder. My head won't let me see the joy. I have enough for a budgeted life for the first year, and then would need to find a new job, which scares me as I don't know if I will have the energy, or I'll be just work and mothering, and on my own and sad.

I'm mentally exhausted, which is adding ti my physical exhaustion. I don't really have any support right now, everyone thinks because I have been successful in other areas of my life, I can just get on with this, and as I said I just get you will be fine.

I went to my GP, he said he would only perspire AD medication once I have made a choice and the preinantal mental health team will only take me on, if I choose to continue with the pregnancy. So I feel stuck. My mental health is not ok, and I can't see anyway that things will get better. Iv never had medication before, but have def been depressed at times in my life and just battled through. But I'm feeling worse than ever, because of the choice I need to make. Iv had some counselling and I'm going around in circles, I keep clinging to the negatives, which I think is my defence mechinism. One lady who was in her late 40's, was an ex midwife and didn't have her own kids, was told about my situation and she asked me my age, when she heard it, she said I should have the child and for the first time, I thought there might be something in this. My age is a factor, the baby is here now growing and whilst I'm not with the father, I'm comfortable that it is him, as he is decent. But all the other things iv said, are overarching with terror, worry, negative feelings, which is screaming through my body, I should do this. I worry about regret, my future self and there is a little life here, that has just kept going, even though I'm older and my body is not primed for pregnancy, as it was unplanned.

Iv read other posts, as close as possible to my situation, but they all seem to already have children or are very young in age themselves. So does anyone have any advice, support?

Xxxx

I can't provide any advice but wanted to offer some support. It sounds like you're in an almost impossible situation. But I don't think it has to be a death sentence to be a single mum at any age in any respect. It'll make things harder but there are lots of single parents who find love again when their children are young, they don't spend forever alone, and you won't be unemployed forever if you don't want to be. I'm not sure if you mentioned in your post, does the dad know? Does he want to be involved?

This is all coming from someone who hasn't got children either so I can't fully comment but I relate to a lot of what you're saying, I found out I'm pregnant but am much earlier on and my first thought was also I could really do without this right now.

From my experience even in a committed relationship a pregnancy can throw up a lot of anxiety and confusion and unsettled emotions , this happened to me even with longed for babies we have just loved having.
i don’t know what is best for you but do look after your mental health generally too, I really recommend a book called the Power of Positive Thinking which you can otherwise listen to on you tube. It shows how easily you can transform your life into one where challenges don’t knock you and where you go on to do extremely well. I do think you can do this and make it into a great positive in your life, but above all I hope you make the best decision for you and that you have supportive friends and family whatever .

It may be worth contacting PANDAS, they are a perinatal mental health charity with a helpline and can provide you with some support. it sounds like you are experiencing pre-natal depression- not suprising with all the pressures and how unsympathetic of the gp to say they will only refer you when you have decided. it sounds like you would like the baby- but its the worries that are makiing you feel this way. Gingerbread are a charity that support single parents, may be worth having a look at the resources. even people with planned pregnancies can really question their decisions when pregnant- bloody hormones! please just keep talking to everyone on here, you don't need to cope alone xx

Here's what I've picked out of your post;

It sounds like you've always wanted a child.

You're 40 - no offense but the opportunities to have a child will be drastically reducing for many women from this age (I find 41/42 is a cliff for many).

You say the Dad is decent, even though you won't be in a relationship.
Do you think he'll coparent? Do you think he'll see them and do some childcare?

Will your family be supportive?

You are 14 weeks pregnant- that's getting to be an increasingly potentially traumatic termination. I'm not saying you shouldn't if you absolutely want to, I'm just being realistic.

In all honesty I'd advise you to go ahead taking the above into consideration.

Also, UC is ok if you work within the no of hours you could work while still getting it and if you still qualify for it, you qualify for 85% of childcare paid (capped) as a single parent.

Mental health wise - can you get some help.

I think if that continues to be not great, you would definitely need to get lots of support set up because the baby stage can be a bit relentless. Know that it lets up increasingly though - within a few short years you'll have a totally different parenting situation with a (usually m) hilarious small child who you can do increasingly more with.

Cab is good at advising re benefits, UC etc.

*In all honesty I'd advise you to go ahead taking the above into consideration.

I mean with the pregnancy.