Head vs Heart

[MrsT2808]

Hi Girls,
I’m really struggling and don’t know what to do for the best.
Buckle up, it’s a long one!
We have a 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son, our son is our rainbow baby after a traumatic 14 week miscarriage during the first lockdown in 2020.
We said our family is complete since we have one of each and live in a small 3 bedroom cottage (my sons room is a box room)
My husband offered to have the snip when our son was born but 2 years pretty much to the day, he still hasn’t. I have avoided sex with him because I was so scared of getting pregnant but recently we both had the ‘f*ck it, if it happens it happens’ attitude and after one little accident here I am pregnant.
We found out 2 weeks ago the day before our sons 2nd birthday, I immediately said to my husband I’ve always said I wouldn’t terminate and for that day we left it as that. But a day or 2 later he started saying we wouldn’t cope with 3. Financially things are tight and our 2 are enough of a handful as it is, without the fact our house is teeny and the car wouldn’t be big enough either.
I sat down and worked through finances and what’s left at the end of each week isn’t much so I called NUPAS and got an appointment for last Sunday, they sent me the pills for abortion which are now hiding behind my bedside table because I can’t face looking at them.
The last cupped of weeks have been hell for me, mentally I feel exhausted and really down. I feel sad all the time, my 4 year old keeps asking why mummy is crying all the time.
I know that practically I should be getting rid of the baby but I don’t know if I can do it. I’ve found myself wanting another baby so aborting it just doesn’t feel right at all.
I had some pain and bleeding last Tuesday so spoke to the doctor who referred me to EPAU and they did a scan and saw a tiny sac, they said the size of the sac isn’t right for the gestation so did blood tests to see what’s going on and rule out ectopic. The bloods were 4933, they repeated them on Friday and said they usually rise 63% if it’s a healthy pregnancy, fall if you’re going to loose it or hover if it’s ectopic. They rose 123% to 11,013 so have a repeat scan on weds to confirm all is ok.
I don’t know if it’s going through all this that makes me want to fight for this baby, the traumatic miscarriage or just as my husband says my ‘mothers instinct’.
I don’t want to get rid then regret it and my mental health spiral, but I don’t want to plunge us into debt and not being able to afford the things we want by keeping it.
Girls, if you were in this position what would you do?
Well done if you’ve got this far! X

Thank you! You're right, it's hard to wrap my head around it because we weren't preventing but certainly weren't trying. I was open to the idea but hadn't actually thought about it properly until it happened.
Everything in me is saying not to terminate but the practicalities are screaming at me.
My original plan was to take the first tablet on Thursday and complete the abortion on Friday but I honestly don't think I can, I've already told my husband I'm delaying until next week because of work (I've just gone self employed working at home) so feel like I'm making excuses now x

I had a head vs heart decision to make in similar circumstances recently. Two kids already, 5 and 2. We live overseas so have no help. Money is tight and the I had a huge list of practical reasons why I should take the pills. I really battled with my decision and ultimately did take them, and I can’t deny the practical reasons still exist, but the sadness and regret I felt after was unbelievable. I could hardly leave the house for about a week and cried non stop. I am slowly coming to terms with things but I do think I will always live with this regret and feeling like I didn’t fight hard enough for my baby. That was about 5 weeks ago now. I’d give anything to undo my decision but of course, I can’t. I am and always will be pro choice but I really underestimated how much this would affect me. I can’t deny the practical reasons still exist, but I thought taking the pills would fix things and we’d go back to how we were before, content with our family of 4. But it isn’t like it is before and this feeling of someone being missing is there now. It’s an awful decision to have to make. Ultimately, it wasn’t what I wanted but I did it for my existing kids, because I didn’t want to take time and live away from them. I can’t say I made the right decision, and I’m so sorry you’re in this scenario too.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, it really is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. The way you're feeling now is the reason I'm so doubtful, it won't just go away and I'll be low for a good while.
Whenever i tell myself I'm keeping it, I'm not so sad and more worried but then I remember the reality and go back to having a constant lump in my throat, crying and being distracted from everything in life including my kids.
I feel like I should give the baby a chance and we will muddle through but the way things are with the country at the moment, is it worth the risk? X

Oh hon I’m so sorry - it’s such a crappy situation. Also sorry for all the typos in my first post. I was the same…round and round in circles. Feeling relieved about keeping the baby but then being bowled over by practicalities, and feeling like I’d be taking away from my two lovely kids, and id be overwhelmed and exhausted so feeling like I should take the pills. I think ultimately, you know what maternal love is because you already have children and it’s very hard to switch that off. I’m confident if I’d have had an abortion pre kids, it probably wouldn’t have affected me anywhere near as much.

If feel like In the days after, I was crying to my husband saying I’ve ruined my life and I’ll never be ok again. I couldn’t look after the kids, couldn’t go to work, couldn’t stop crying, and I was thinking how the hell am i ever going to get over this. I’ve spoken to a few amazing girlfriends since that point, and that has helped massively, and I’ve been to see a psychologist and will go back again, but ultimately I still regret my decision while accepting the practicalities still exist. I do have some hope that as more time passes, I will become more at peace with my decision and maybe even feel that it was right, but I think that will be a long road. I will say though, I am coping so much better than I was a month ago.

Could it be that now isn’t the right time, but a 3rd might be an option in a few years? Part of my sadness came from knowing if not not, it would probably be never again. And in the days following the abortion I was consumed by wanting to get pregnant again. Or is it an option to do some counselling or talk to a girlfriend you really trust before you make any decisions?

My god the typos! I meant if not now, then probably never again

I've spoken to 2 girlfriends and my sister. My sister is 15/16 weeks pregnant with her first and thinks I'd be mad to keep it. She had 2 abortions whilst in a bad relationship which were definitely the right decision for her.
My 2 friends both think I'd regret it. One has 3 year old twins and was forced into abortion 10 years ago by an ex, she still remembers it now and hates him for making her terminate. She knows me really well so her opinion does really matter.
My other friend has 3 kids and has told me once you've had 2 it doesn't matter how many you have. Although her older 2 are at school, my daughter is starting in September.
What stays with me is one of my friends told me 'don't make permanent decisions based on temporary situations' which makes me think we could do it. I would take a month off and baby wear when working, take my son out of nursery except for one day and just make it work for 3 months until my son gets his free childcare and baby can go to nursery at 6 months, 3 months later and will then get free childcare in September/October once 9 months.
The main thing for me is the house and car, mainly car! The 2 kids are desperate to have bunk beds and we would like to extend or go up into the roof but haven't had good reason to, this might drive us to do that. So just the car really 🙉 x

Sounds like you have amazing supports in your friends. When I’ve been back and forth on a third, a few people have said to me you can fit three in a bigger car no problem but I don’t know if that’s just cuz everyone here (australia) drives huge cars? But I do have a few friends who have all 3 in seats and manage to squeeze them in. I got weirdly fixated on the car situation too, and now it’s all done and the dust has settled, I can’t believe I terminated a pregnancy over worries about a car (among lots of other things). We would have figured it out.

Though to play devils advocate, I am confident if I hadn’t terminated, I’d have been miserable the whole pregnancy, worrying about the effect the baby would have on our lives, how the kids would cope and feeling like I was selfish for keeping it. I was reading all these threads on here and Reddit about whether people regret having a 3rd and got so fixated on the negatives. That’s what makes this so hard - there’s no right choice, it’s just whatever one you can live with when you’ve been thrown a curve ball like this. And then whatever choice you do make, you kind of romanticise the other one. Or at least I have been. I don’t want to sway you one way or the other because ultimately, doesn’t matter what anyone else does or doesn’t think, you will be the one who has to make your peace with it whatever you decide x

Hi Girls, just thought I’d update.
This morning I took the first tablet and although I feel sad, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief! That I’ve not got that cloud hanging over me, I can concentrate on my kids, my husband and my business.
This baby isn’t going to be in vain at all, if anything it has taught us how close to the breadline we’ve been living and how we need to push ourselves to get into a better place financially. We are going to re-think about number 3 once our son is on his way to school in sept 2025, well maybe slightly before because I have 2 winter babies and would like a summer holiday one if I have the choice again!
Thank you for all your support, it’s been so good to have people there helping me talk through everything x

Hya, I've just come on here, as I'm in a simular situation.
Can I ask how far into the pregnancy was you and what made your mind up?
I found out beginning of last week, which was a shock but I have 3 already and my eldest is 23 so my husband and myself knew straight away what will happen.
When you know its not the right time it's not the right time x

Hi! Sorry you've found yourself in this position, it's not a nice one to be in.
I had a scan last Wednesday to check the pregnancy was in the right place, they asked if I wanted to see and I said yes don't hide it from me. Well I felt nothing. I allowed myself to process it and on Friday after lots of going back and to, I decided it wasn't meant to be.
What did help was allowing myself to deal with all the issues - car, house size, money etc and look at it as 'do I actually want another baby?' And the answer was no. That's when things changed!
I hope you manage to work through it, just know you're never alone in this journey whatever direction you take x

Hya, I think if your planning, or you know you could get pregnant and your open to that possibility, then you know you want it, but if it's not planned and a massive shock, you just know its not to be.
I'm 41 and as I said before I have 3 children already, plus I'd be cruel to have a child who would have a mother almost 50 when they are 8, as well as birthing complications too, as I had pre eclampsia with my first and raised blood pressure with my 3rd.
Its the shittiest situation to be on isn't it, I have terrible health anxiety too, I don't even know how I managed to have 3 already as I avoid hospitals and doctors at the best of times.
I don't have my phone appointment with msi till the 19th, from the date I conceived I'm 3 weeks, but classed as 5 weeks from my last period, but I'm due to go on holiday and fly a week today, which has been a long awaited and planned holiday, I was so excited prior finding out I was pregnant, now I'm so scared to go but will lose lots of money if I cancel, I've just been numb since I found out and it still feels so sereal.
I hope everything is fine since you had your 1st tablet xx

Yea definitely! We had a surprise for our second but decided to keep it because we knew we wanted another but ended up loosing it at 14 weeks. This time I've got one of each that are healthy and had no issues so feel like I'd be tempting fate for something to happen.
It's the weirdest feeling isn't it. Just felt to me like it was happening to someone else, evenings were the worst but then I slept on it and woke up feeling more clear about things.
I know it's hard but try and put it to the back of your mind and go away, if you have a drink then I'd say you know what you're doing. Personally I had a few drinks but didn't feel like loads because of all the pregnancy symptoms but that's another thing that helped me realise I didn't want it.
The age thing is so hard, people have babies at all ages but I always said I didn't want to be an 'old' mum. I'm 31 and feel that I'd fit that bracket if I had one now, but these days there's no such thing as an old mum! X

Thats true with me, I had my first at 18 and my 3rd at 28, I never wanted to ever have a child above the age of 30, especially with having one young, I wanted some life to myself at some point, so at 41 I definitely couldn't.
I've had lots of pregnancy symptoms too, feeling sick and heart burn constantly, but yeah a part of me thinks leave my problems at home, have a few nice drinks and a definitely long awaited rest, as my children I have 1 of the 3 has adhd and 1 autistic so it can be full on as you can imagine.
But I'm just putting fears into my head about flying, with being pregnant, I'm thinking alsorts.
This situation is definitely testing, but we aren't the 1st and we definitely will not be the last, that's what I keep on my head to get through.
Thank you xx

I think the fact you didn't (neither of you) take reasonable precautions to prevent a pregnancy, means your heart really does want another child, so I think you really just need to make the best of it financially etc, and continue with the pregnancy. If this was a psychological desire for another baby then terminating it will be more devastating to you than keeping it.

Normally I will advise on taking the 'head' route, but you sound as though you really want this baby and will suffer badly if you don't keep it.

So sorry, I didn't read your update. Ignore all that, I hope this is the best decision for you,

@MrsT2808 ah I’m happy for you - seems like you made the right decision and are fairly confident in that already. Defo seems like it was the best option, and you’re young so you have plenty of time if you decide to go again in a few years.

Little update girls...
So yesterday I took the 4 misoprostol at 10.30am and was having cramps by 11. Heavy bleeding/clots started at 12.30 and lasted 3-4 hours. Took the remaining 2 as directed on the packet and things slowed down and was just having random cramps and what I'd class as a heavy period through the night. I took ibuprofen and paracetamol at 8.30pm to get a good night sleep, these were the first painkillers all day because I wanted to feel the true pain... it wasn't that bad at all.
Woke up this morning aching so had breakfast and topped up my painkillers and I've been fine since.
Normal life resumes.
My head feels like a massive negative cloud has been lifted. I was thinking about everything 24/7 and making it worse for myself. Today I have been present, not thinking about anything that isn't in the room and I've missed that so much!
My advice to anyone going through a similar head vs heart situation is to remove your head in order to find out if your heart really wants what you think it does. I know that sounds strange, but I asked myself if I had a massive house and money was no option, would I have another baby? And my answer was no, my kids are enough, my son is a handful and I want to earn my own money with my own business.
Another piece of advice is to write your future self a letter explaining your reasons, write absolutely everything down so if you have a wobbler before going through with it or start beating yourself up at a later date then you can read the letter and hopefully clear up the emotions.
Talking it through has been the best for me, so thank you to everyone who's commented or messaged me, it's really helped x

I am so glad all went very well and smooth for you.
Obviously that cloud and weight lifting shows that you made the correct choice.
I love how you described how you was present again, I can't wait for this feeling back, as its very dream like at the moment, I've got my call on Thursday so I will know more then.
Just out of curiosity how many week where you, as I am worrying thinking should I opt for surgical or medical, not because of pain as I have a high pain threshold, but more for the seeing and bleeding.
I'm so happy you now have that relief 🥰 xx

Thank you!
I would of been 7 weeks tomorrow going from the scan last week. I don't think I saw anything, every time I felt something coming I sat on the toilet and let it come out and didn't look before I put the loo roll down. I had a loss at 14 weeks and that was so traumatic so I wouldn't advise going too much further if you're doing the medical abortion. Although they don't let you go over 12 weeks, my limit was 8. I had a scan at 9 weeks and baby was like a baby so I knew I wouldn't want to see that x

I have just gone 3 weeks from the day I know I conceived but 5weeks if I go off my last period, so I know not much would be there anyway if I did the medical one but, I know what I'm like for checking, investigating and looking, so I'm going to see if I can have the surgical I think.
Again I'm so glad all went well and there's no more worrying xx

Ah yea, my scan at 6 weeks the baby was 2.4mm and they said it would double in a week. If I'm honest I did look in the bits I could see but never saw it. I had a lump of fleshy stuff that crumbled when squeezed, it was about 1cm round and about 6cm long. God knows what that was! I did wonder about surgical but it was so easy medical and I was at home comfortable in my own bed. I've never given birth in a hospital so it's all so alien to me, I imagine if I had then it might of been different x

Hya, so very tiny and easy to pass, I've just been juggling the best option in my head, medical is like you say the comfort of your own home, but as everyone's body is different, some will pass the embro quick others not as quick, whete as the surgical will be uncomfortable but it's apparently over with in 10 mins.
I naturally clot abit and bleed heavy on a period too, so don't want mors, if you know what I mean.
Yeah I imagine the fleshy bit would have been it.
I hate hospitals and doctors but do feel safer in there xx