I am such a mess, suicidal and life feels it will never be the same again. I am 40 with an older husband and a primary school child. Suffer ocd and aniexty. Found out end of jan was pregnant unplanned. But have been feeling broody so it felt meant to be. However, my fear overtook me and my husband wasn't keen due to his age and not wanting to start again. We spent days debating and I completely de-sentisied to what i was doing. I got caught up with negative reasons e.g childcare costs which we could have afforded and it being a winter baby. My husband thought we were discussing things rationally but I realise i was just frozen with worry and that its normal to feel worried in the early days of pregnancy. Within 10 days, we had terminated. I had not seen these discussion boards nor discussed it with anyone else beside my husband and I realise we were just going round in negative circles. i thought we both had to want the baby but now realise i really wanted the baby and my husband would have come round- he was just in shock. he kept saying things like it he was thinking of the 3 of us making me feel he knew what was best for our son. He is now saying that was his opinion not a fact whereas because i was in shock, i looked to him. Within half an hour of taking the first tablets I realised I had made a huge mistake. I didn't take the vaginal ones but lost it anyway. I think that has made it worse because for a few hours I thought I could save the situation. It has been the worse 8 weeks of my life- and thats saying something given there's been times when I was a teenager when i was suicidial. Everyday i just spend it crying, looking at forums or self-harming. I can;t even enjoy my little boy anymore as feel so guilty. I feel resentful at my husband as he doesn't feel he could have supported me better. I feel upset with the clinic as I told them i suffer from instrusive thoughts and regret my decisions and would need extensive counselling afterwards hoping they would pick up how I was feeling, but they didn't. they've given me 2 counselling sessions in 8 weeks. I am back on the doctor's suicide risk list- somewhere Ive not been for over 20 years. I've worked so hard over the years to manage my mental health and then a quick decision has put me back. I really wanted the baby and can't believe my mental health let me destroy something which could have bought happiness. I know there is no going back and the worse thing is we have caused this to ourselves.