Finding being intimate difficult post termination

[ShoeClues]

I had a TOP about a month ago at 4 weeks, so very early

I am still struggling. We wanted (and want) a baby so much, just had planned for it later in the year not so soon. The time makes the difference as we are hoping to purchase our first home and marry and then try again, thus having a much more stable foundation for our baby in this world with a home to call their own and two parents who have already fully committed to each other.

Most the day I am fine and can distract myself even around babies, it doesn’t upset me, I console myself with the fact that it wasn’t my time but it will be fairly soon and that day will be such a happy time. If I hadn’t done this then I would never meet our future DC conceived at some point within the next year or two. Developed strategies and usually this means blocking it out. I don’t know if that means I’ve dealt with it mentally or not.

I just can’t allow myself to think about what I actually did. I cannot sit and think about the magnitude of actually terminating a pregnancy without it shaking me up.

I struggle to be intimate, we’ve only been twice since the termination but immediately afterwards I have a lump in my throat and feel very sad. It’s changed the way I view sex entirely and I see it as so much more meaningful/biological now than I think I ever did before. It’s definitely got different associations. DP is obviously understanding but I really don’t think I’m going to feel fully better until I am pregnant intentionally. Even if that’s only in 6 months time.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this range of feelings and can relate? X

Hi @ShoeClues
I can’t relate hugely to the intimacy part of things, just wanted to reply to say I had a MA last June for almost exactly the same reasons as you so your post has helped me feel less alone in my reasoning. We were mid house purchase (moving from a tiny, crappy, rented property) and were planning a budget wedding once house was finalised, then TTC. Fast forward 9 months and the house went through, we spent all of our remaining money making some much needed improvements to it and we are now married. Hoping to TTC from my next cycle.
I was a bit like you in that I felt I wouldn’t ever feel happy until I was pregnant again, but I realised that was part of my grief for the previous pregnancy. Things have settled down, and getting stuck into our plans to improve our lives really helped.

Thank you for commenting, that sounds like it must have been such a difficult decision for you both to take

I wish you all the luck in the world with TTC xxx