Early abortion feel ashamed 😭

[Shauna2866]

Hi just wondering if anyone has ever been in this position before I’ve had 3 C-section in 2.5 years my baby was born January 11 this year there is 17 months between my first baby and second and then there is 12 months between my second baby and 3rd baby I had in January
I had my first period last month February and I didn’t get my period this month and I’ve been craving love heart sweets for some reason but because I fast I obviously didn’t have any
I took a clear blue test today to see what is going on and it’s says “ pregnant 1-2 weeks “
I only slept with my partner once! And I have been waiting to see my Gp about going back on the pill I’ve not long got over having covid and been pretty rough with it so he said he will leave it 2 weeks and see me I feel so awful doing this but I’ve had to call the hospital and see if I can be booked in for a early abortion as I wouldn’t be able to manage 4 kids under 4 this year it would be far to much I don’t have any proper support around me as I lost my mum and dad and unfortunately my partners mother and father want nothing to do with my 3 children so it just wouldn’t work

I don’t want anyone judging me on having an early abortion I know it’s not fair but it’s would be fair if I was to keep the baby because there all so close in age together I just wouldn’t have the time I feel so bad doing this cos I know there is people who are out there who want children and I’m doing this 😭but I need to think about the children I have now and my health I’m sure it wouldn’t be safe for me to carry another baby again so soon I don’t no if my body would be able to do it again 🤦🏻‍♀️

Jus feel so sad and I don’t no what to think or do my hearts saying keep the baby and my brain is saying the opposite!

Thanks for reading xx

Hi @Shauna2866. I’m in a very similar position except that my kids are older and after 23 years of parenting on my own, I don’t think I could start again at this stage of our lives. I worry about the impact on my children and managing financially, especially the way the world is going.

I feel exactly as you do though, logically I know it’s the right thing to do. Emotionally, I feel selfish and guilty. In a different set of circumstances then maybe…

Hiya @UnexpectedlyExpecting I kno it’s such a horrible thing to go through but I just physically couldn’t do it I don’t think I don’t have no help I do it all alone and it won’t be fair on the baby my daughter who is nearly 3 is autistic she’s just had her diagnosis and she’s hard on her own I have to put most of my time and attention in to her x
have you spoken to anyone yet about what your going to do ?? How far along are you I’m only around 4 weeks so still very early x hope your okay .

Its such a difficult decision. I would really encourage you to try and get a pre-abortion counselling session with bpas or your local service. I had an abortion a few weeks ago and rushed into it without talking to anyone. i realise i had a lot going round in my head and if i had talked to someone it would have helped get things straight in my head. you have to do what you have to do but at least by speaking to a counsellor you will make the right decision for you rather than me left wondering..... If you go ahead prepare for the mental drop- if nothing else its the hormones and keep reaching out for support. Sending you both so much love.

@Saskia2023 thanks so much yeah I think I will ask about counselling I didn’t ever wanna be in this position tbh but I suppose it is what it is did you take the pills if you don’t mind me asking ?? Was the blood really heavy I’ve just read some bad stories and now I’m freaking out about being in so much pain and having to look after my kids I have appointment next Thursday over the phone I’ll see what they say to me so you think they would send the pills out in the post or do they have to see you face to face first ? I do have appointment with my hospital on the 13th April but I’d me just over 6 weeks then and they said they won’t give me no treatment until they can see a heart beat and a baby and I explained i wouldn’t really wanna go through with that cos that will make me more sad and I’d feel even worse than I already do but they said that’s there guidelines 🤷🏻‍♀️ x

I just rushed into it because i paniced. just know even if i had made the same decision, if I had spoken to someone it would have helped keep my thoughts clear. The physical side of the procedure was fine- took the first tablet and passed the pregnancy without needing the second lot. physically it was no different really to a period. but mentally prepare that even if its the right thing to do, you do get a hormonal drop. My and husband and i were really blase beforehand and just did not prepare for that aspect. get support for you.

Thanks @Shauna2866. I completely understand where you’re coming from. My middle child is autistic and I won’t go into it all, but life has been very hard and I finally feel like things are getting better now she’s older.

All of my reasons are very practical but don’t address the emotional side of the decision. I’ve told the father but nobody else. I know he would like a child of his own but we’re not even living together and our relationship is pretty casual, he’s probably more into me than the other way round so the circumstances are not ideal. But it’s hard not to imagine a fantasy of a happy family and a chance to do it ‘right’. Experience tells me that is not how it would go though.

I’m not at all a spiritual person but just lately I’ve been feeling like someone else was near me, even turning and checking, so that’s playing with my head a bit.

Have you got any support? What does your partner think?

I’ll be 6 weeks on Sunday so they won’t book the appointment until next week.

Thank you @Saskia2023 for sharing your experience. This will actually be my second termination in 4 years (same guy). I felt similar to this time in terms of being sure it was the right thing, but lamenting that it couldn’t be different, and I haven’t regretted it. I have moments where I think about what could have been of course.

@UnexpectedlyExpecting hi how you getting on ? I have hospital appointment on the 13th at 10:00 am got to be scanned first and then they said they will discuss treatment so suppose I’ll have to wait and see absolutely dreading it hope your all okay x

Hi @Shauna2866. Thanks for thinking of me. I had the scan and first tablet on Thursday and completed at home on Friday. I had to lie to the hospital that I had someone with me on the day - not ideal but I was never going to be able to meet that requirement. It was all pretty straightforward and I know I made the right decision for the right reasons but of course I feel very emotional and guilty which I think is a normal reaction to what is a big ordeal. I’m also struggling a bit with the inherent unfairness and feel seething resentment of my BF. At this point, I never want to have sex again because I can’t risk having to go through this again.

I really hope your appointment goes well next week. I’ll be thinking of you x

@UnexpectedlyExpecting aww I’m glad it went okay for you did you bleed heavy was the pain bad ? I’m worried about this as I have 3 little babies to look after so I hope I’m not gonna be in to much pain
I’m having the implant soon so this doesn’t happen again I’m dreading doing it I really am but I just no it’s best for me x

@RecycledKettle I went for a scan last week and they could only see yolk sac so I’m back again this week and once they see something i can they speak about treatment
but I’ll have to go back the following week again to pick my medication up
xx

@UnexpectedlyExpecting I’ve just taken my first pill today have to go back tomorrow at 09:30 am to have the rest of the pills was your bleeding heavy and painful ? This is what I’m worried about x

No one will judge you and to me it's a very sensible choice. Your body just isn't ready for another pregnancy after 3 c sections. Let alone 4 children

@polkadotdalmation exactly that’s why I’m doing it even the nurses said this to me today I’m making the right decision I can’t have another c section again not ever I’m going on the injection so this doesn’t happen again!

it’s not a nice thing to do but I really have to think about the children I have I just no I wouldn’t be able to deal with having 4 children under 4 in December it would be far to much for me specially on my own I can’t even really get out and about now with the 3 I have as there all so little

just can’t wait for it to be over now x

Hi @Shauna2866, you have done the right thing x

I’ve had two abortions and both were a little different. I won’t lie, it was a really unpleasant experience, exacerbated by the fact I was doing it alone. This time I got really bad diarrhoea and felt very nauseous, was sick also. The pain was manageable with painkillers and a hot water bottle for the main. I soaked a pad every two hours or so. I don’t remember feeling as ill the first time so I guess there can be a range of experiences. You will get through it, us women seem to find the strength when we need it most. Post here for support and a handhold if you need it. I’ll keep checking in x

@UnexpectedlyExpecting hi just update I’ve had my pill inserted I’m bleeding heavy with smallish clots but literally had zero pain wondering weather it’s working surely it is though with the heavy bleeding this got done at 12 today x