Keep changing my mind!

[Confusedx1000]

Hi, have NC for this. As the title says - I keep changing my mind and it needs to stop.
I'm 9 weeks pregnant today. I had the telephone consultation with bpas and tomorrow tablets will be on their way.
But for the past 5 weeks I've been back & forth about whether to keep or not, so much so it's got to the point my husband has disconnected from the subject because he doesn't know where he stands emotionally.
We have 2 kids together already. He never wanted a 3rd and this one was an accident. My last pregnancy I had gestational diabetes and had to be induced, those two things made me think 'thank god I'm never doing this again!!'
When I was on the phone with bpas talking about the medical termination logistics and potential surgical if they didn't arrive, I cried. I felt so guilty I cried on the phone but it wasn't obvious to the lady.
I was actually booked in with a midwife as recently as last week and told her I'd changed my mind so didn't need their services anymore. But now I'm worrying I've made a huge mistake. The lady at bpas said you can change your mind that's okay just take the tablets to a pharmacy for disposal. But then I feel like I wasting everyone's time.
This is so difficult 😭 I feel awful for aborting, but I also feel guilty having a child my husband never initially wanted - even though he said he only wants me to be happy and sure.
Sorry for how long this is I'm just so ashamed of myself ☹️

Don’t feel worried about wasting anyone’s time! This decision is solely about what’s best for you and your family.

I don’t want to project or influence but I had an abortion last year, unplanned third. I also kept changing my mind. Thought about it for two or three weeks. Then, as I couldn’t stand the thought of doing pregnancy and early childhood again, I took the first tablet. Then changed my mind again 24 hours later and sobbed down the found to MSI but it was too late.

Now the dust has settled I do think it was the best thing for my family. Just not the best thing for me and I wouldn’t make that decision again. Although my husband has now had a vasectomy and I’m the other side of 40 so thank god I won’t have to. It has also changed my relationship with my husband.

One thing I didn’t understand was that an abortion doesn’t turn your life back to where it was before. You’re no longer pregnant but it’s different.

This makes it sound like I’m a bit anti abortion. Im not. I had one when I was much younger and I haven’t regretted that one bit. But this time was different. I think not being sure for me was more wanting it vs being overwhelmed at the thought of another rather than wanting it vs not wanting it.

good luck whatever you decide.

I changed my mind 3 times before I finally got stuck on not keeping it.

Honestly, its natural.

I probably ruined my only chance at ever being a mum and that thought makes me a little sad.
However, I felt so ill with the pregnancy (I suffer horrifically with migraines) and had a lot of other life stress, that I was just feeling constantly emotionally and physically drained.
I couldn't get my head out from under me.

However, for me, it was absolutely the right decision to terminate.
I feel a little better mentally. Physically I'm not as drained, still having migraines daily, but that will settle. However, not feeling sick and constantly tired, has helped me to be able to deal with my mental stress a lot better.

You might find it helpful speaking to a counsellor.
BPAS and MSI offer the service and maybe speaking to someone unbiased might be helpful.

Hey @Confusedx1000 i really, really know how you feel. In fact, I think I’ve lost my mind. I took an early pregnancy test which showed a strong positive the week before I was due on. I phoned bpas and fudged my dates to make it look like I was four weeks and they sent the pills.

After taking the first pill, I was overwhelmed with sadness and regret and vomited it up. The next day I changed my mind again, put the pills in vaginally, then pulled them straight back out.

I couldn’t be any more torn. I also have two other children, had horrific pregnancies and postnatal depression with them both. My husband also really doesn’t want a third. There is no food or practical reason to continue but there’s a small part of me that can’t seem to let go.

please feel free to PM me. I’m sorry you’re going through this too xx

Good not food* haha

Thank you everyone. I thought I'd come back and update that I have decided to keep the pregnancy.
This time I feel 1000% sure this is the right choice.

Congratulations @Confusedx1000 wishing you well. When are you due?

Thank you :) I'm due end of October, my 12 week scan has been fit back in for two weeks time! How are you doing?

That’s great news :) I’m okay, still confused

Hi guys I’m new to this site

I found out I’m pregnant I believe I’m 5-6 weeks today , unfortunately it’s not the right time to have baby which makes me feel so bad as I never had abortion or any morning after pill 😢😢😢

I contacted BPAS they told me I need to have scan in two weeks time to check what week to make sure I got right treatment

just wanted to ask if any of u girls went through the scan ? Am I allowed to bring my partner with me ? Also are they gonna put a heartbeat ? And did ant of you changed their mind after scan ? X

I had a scan done to determine how many weeks I was, only last week ago, my partner was able to come into the waiting room with me but not into the rooms. I went into a room first to have my blood pressure taken , temperature, weight and height, and she asked me some health questions etc first and offered me a STI test which is a swap I used myself in the toilet before leaving, I then went back into the waiting room to wait for my scan, I was only waiting a few minutes, they ask if you want to see and hear the baby’s heartbeat I said no and then he took my blood to determine blood type I think and to see if I’m anemic, he told me what treatment is best and then off I went home.

Also, we have changed our mind, I was 13 weeks 5 days at the scan, the longer it’s left the harder it is to go through with it for us. My treatment was at the end of April I would be 17 weeks by then 😪

hi. how are you now? i went for a scan 2 weeks ago to get the pills, i was told i was 10weeks 2 days so i couldnt have the pills. Ive no idea how i was 10weeks2 days because from my last period i was 1000000% 9 weeks 5 days at the scan. Im booked in for the surgical 21st September, ill be 13 weeks 4 days by then and its just too late for us to do. Its hard decision. i dont wish this decision on anyone x

@Hoglife I'm doing good thank you (apart from the horrible heat!) Now 33 weeks and everything is going well. She is on the smaller side but my last was an SGA baby so she's just following her older brother! Really hope things work out for you 💐

Hi, my husband and I have been married a year now and started trying to get pregnant and it happened pretty quick. I just found out I’m 5 weeks. We always planned to have a family but now I’ve been crying nonstop for days. I don’t feel ready to be a mom or give up the life I have and I don’t know what to do. My husband says he’ll support me no matter what but I know how much he wants this baby… Any advice?

Aww Cali, major life changes are always daunting and stressful. Suddenly an imagined future has become reality! Like our car suddenly swerved off the road down an unfamiliar path with which we have no experience. If you were actively trying to conceive, it sounds like you both did want a child. In my experience, having a child did change my life, but instead of no pleasure I had different pleasures. Seeing your baby grow, spending time with them, the feeling of wanting to protect them and give them all your love, there's a reason people say it's like no feeling you've ever known. Plus people love to put negative baby stories online or act like you'll never sleep or travel again. Not true! It's normal to be anxious about doing something we've never done before, but it sounds like you and your partner are ready for this next phase of life and hopefully you'll never regret it once the baby comes. Hope you can find some peace and clarity in all the confusion, dear.