Positive test, head going in circles about what to do..

[Wynter123]

Hi- really sorry in advance that this is going to be just a splurge of thoughts and emotions but I feel like I need to just write everything I feel and would be really appreciative of some third-party thoughts/advice/comments. I'm completely in my head at the moment!

Background: Myself and partner both in committed long term relationship, late 20s, stable jobs. We own our house, relatively financially stable BUT were by no means planning what has happened. In our heads, we were expecting it to go something like 'married by 30, kids 1-2 years later'.

Yesterday, we found out I'm pregnant; about 3 weeks by my best guess (2 days after period was due to start). I'm in total shock. I always thought that if this happened, I would have a clear reaction: I want this, or I don't. But, I honestly cannot work out what I want and it's driving me mad (and causing all sorts of emotions). It almost feels like it's not happening to me, and then suddenly it hits me and I become completely overwhelmed.

When we spoke about it yesterday, we seemed to come down on the side of going through with it - terrifying, impractical, expensive yes, but, something we'd always expected but just a few years ahead of schedule. My thinking was 'it's never going to be the 'right' time, it's always going to seem terrifying and a massive change, so doing it now or in 3-5 years really won't make a difference.' It's not as if we're 17 and still at school - plenty of people in our age/situation have had loads of kids by now! So as much as it terrified us, we were sort of leaning towards 'let's do this'...

However, we've woken up today and the reality has hit hard. My main fears/worries are:

• Financial: I literally have no concept of how much this all costs. Our mortgage payments are almost 35% of our salary. I'm the higher earner by a fair amount - if I only get 6 months mat. leave paid at full salary, I'm really concerned we wouldn't be able to afford mortgage payments + all the added costs. But, in 3-5 years, we'd probably be in pretty much the same position! Is it wrong to be so concerned about money??
• Practical: Our house is the most un-baby-suitable house. We'd probably have to move after the first year or so, which loops back to financial. We don't have family nearby, so childcare would be hard + expensive. Everything would change - no popping to the shops, going for dinner, all the things we take for granted. Are we ready for our lives to become totally consumed by a baby? We're not exactly living a wildly exciting life at the moment (we wouldn't be giving up on Friday nights at the club - that went a long time ago!), but it's almost as if I feel like we're not 'grown up' enough to have a baby... even though we are pretty settled/boring!
• Health: This one sounds weird, but I'm terrified that because I've not been planning this, I've not been 'preparing' my body. I haven't been taking folate supplements and am now freaking out there are going to be problems.

I've been looking at terminations, and part of my brain is being totally logical and thinking that it would be the right choice, as we haven't planned this, we're not ready, it would change our life totally etc etc. But then this other half of my brain comes in and I just get really upset at the thought of it, and the 'what if'. What if we terminate, and then in 5 years it never happens again? Or even in December, when it would have been due, I can't imagine how that will feel knowing that it could have happened and we chose not to. It's not so much that I'm attached to the 'baby' (in my head it's not a 'baby' yet, it's just a splodge), it's more that I'm terrified of regret.

But say we go through with it, and someone does regret it? We could never admit it, but what if it does cause resentment?

Even as I'm writing this I literally have no idea what I think. Is this normal? Is the fact that I'm even questioning it a sign that I shouldn't go ahead? If anyone has any thoughts/experiences please share, I feel like I just need a third party to say something so I can get out of my head. My partner is supportive of whatever I choose - he's terrified of the idea of keeping it, but also doesn't feel 100% comfortable with the idea of termination.

Should this be such a hard choice?

As if it wasn't complicated enough - we're also due to go on a 3 week holiday next Wednesday, which is making me freak out more. If we choose to terminate, it'll have to be when we're back, which means spending over a month with it inside me.. (I'm assuming it wouldn't be possible to arrange and complete a termination within 10 days, plus the risk of travelling afterwards!). We can cancel, but it's a huge family holiday/wedding etc etc so not as easy as just quietly not going.

Please help 😥

Hi @Wynter123! I was in a similar position to you back in January - I found out at 4 weeks and instantly didn't know how to feel/think about the whole thing, but as I was unsure of what to do, I gave myself time to breath and try to come to terms with either outcome - finding out you're pregnant is a huge shock, and I think trying not to act in a rash way because you think time is running out is super important - you're really early, so you have time to think about both options before making a decision.

I personally decided to end the pregnancy, but my personal circumstances were very different to yours (my main worry was the stability of my relationship and that I realised my partner wasn't the person for me, we have a large age gap so a lot of extra worries were at play, so I'm now also in the process of ending an 8 year relationship on top of everything else - talk about not doing things in halves!)

But I didn't end my pregnancy until 11 weeks, I wanted to give myself time to breath and sit with both options - reach out to as many people as you can, talk your arse off until the cows come home, even if you feel like you're repeating yourself a million times over; the process of talking and reaching out, listening to other people's stories and advice really helped me to see who I felt more on side with, and ultimately where I sat in the middle of it all.

One thing I did was, think about all the reasons I had for ending the pregnancy vs continuing, and whether or not there were actual solutions to the perceived problems i.e. were they temporary or permanent issues/problems. For me, the issues were more permanent, namely my partner's age and how I felt in my relationship.

Whatever you decide, know that you have time and you don't have to make a decision asap, once I came to this realisation it really helped me to be reflective and take a step back to consider everything as best I could.

It seems impossible now, but you will get there and make the best decision for you and your life xx

Sending you lots of love and strength💐

I found out that I'm pregnant 4 weeks ago and I'm currently 8 1/2 weeks pregnant.

I am terminating it starting tomorrow.

I've had a lot of the same thoughts and feelings as yourself. Although my situation is slightly different, being that I'm not on a stable relationship and the guy I slept with, is a bit of a psycho. I cut contact with him before I knew I was even pregnant.

It's completely normal to have these fears.

I also think it's very easy to focus on the positives, rather than the negatives.

I've spent a lot of time debating what I want and have changed my mind 3 times (it's ok to do this because it means you're unsure and you just need time to think).

The points you've put forwards -

• Financial - yes it will impact you financially. But you also get child benefit from the government, which is £20 per week. That's £80-£100 extra per month.
There's other benefits like food tokens, free NHS dental care and free prescriptions. So this cuts down on some of those costs.
Sit down with your other half, work out your income vs necessary costs, such as gas, electric, mortgage, car insurance, house insurance.
Then have another column for things you would like but can potentially change. Such as mobile phone plans.
Could you move this onto a sim only contract and just keep the phone you have at the moment?
Is there a better broadband deal than the one you currently have?
Then a 3rd column for non necessary, like all the streaming apps. Are there any you don't really use?
Any subscriptions that you get but don't need?
So you pay out for phone games? Is it going to impact you cutting back on that?

It's all about logical thinking with this one. Don't panic.

• The life impact - yeah it's true, your life will change.
The house may not be suitable for a baby right now, but you could change that. Baby gates, play pens (so they can't crawl around the house), plug covers to stop those mischievous fingers, cupboard locks for the kitchen, not expensive to buy and east to fit.
Also Facebook is your friend. You can find almost anything on there, especially baby stuff.
I sifted through facebook whilst still unsure and I found a whole mountain of stuff
We have a don't dump it page, where people give things away for free. You can ask for things you need and more often than not, someone has it.

Going out and having dinner - there's still two of you. So whilst you can't always go out as a couple, one of you will be able to.
It's not the same but there is compromise.
But that in itself is way further down the line. You'll likely make new parent friends anyway and your family, including baby will be added into those plans.

• Health - don't worry, baby is just cells at the moment, it's not even a fetus. It's just starting to develop, so there's plenty of time to take folic acid and vitamin d, plus other pregnancy vitamins.

What I would say is, take the time to really think of what you want. Don't just make a decision because you feel completely panicked.

I found talking to my close family and friend invaluable. Whilst some are biased (as expected), they've listened to me and understood my thoughts and feelings and have been really supportive.
Either way, regardless of my decision, they've supported me.

It would be worthwhile sharing the burder with those you feel can do that.

Also abortion organisations offer counselling before and after, so if you're unsure, you can always speak to someone first and have an unbiased talk to get to the decision you need.

Sorry I meant it's easy to focus on the negatives rather than the positives.

Migraine day - my head isn't quite functional today 😅

@bobb11 @PazzyPaz Thank you so much, both of you - can't explain how much better it feels just to have someone there offering their thoughts without the emotion of being directly involved. Really appreciate it!

You're both right, I can't rush a decision. One thing that is worrying me - if we do decide to terminate, because of this blasted 3 week trip, realistically it would be when we get back. By that time, I'd be approaching 8/9 weeks. I just read online that at 9 weeks the embryo is over 2cm and I don't know why but that really freaks me out. Like in my head, having a termination right now at 3/4 weeks would feel just like a late period, whereas by 9 weeks if I see/feel something 'substantial' come out I think it would traumatise me somewhat. Is this totally bonkers?

Also, a practical question I was wondering if you have advice on. I've just phoned my GP to book an appointment as even though we don't know what we're doing just yet I thought I should at least speak to the GP, however receptionist told me I should go straight to booking an appointment at the antinatal place (with a midwife). Should I do this even if I'm considering termination? Or is it not worth going for an appointment if I might terminate, will the midwife be like 'why are you here?' ... what's the done thing here?

Thank you both so much xx

@Wynter123 I personally went to a midwife appt, as I was so unsure at the beginning so wanted to set myself up as though I were going through with it in case that's what I had decided in the end (I didn't want to be freaking out over not taking prenatal vits etc. And having that be a factor as to why I ultimately decided to terminate)

So I kept both options fully on the table before I made a final decsion.

As for not wanting to wait too long because it will grow, that's a totally normal way to think and I feel if you're certain you want to terminate, then yes go with that logic, but if you're undecided my advice would be to give yourself time: you have time.

I terminated at 11 weeks, and yes it was longer than ideal to wait but I really feel I've done a lot of emotional groundwork and acceptance before going through with the decision, but remember there are legal limits in place for a reason - whenever you decide to terminate within those timeframes is a 100% down to you.

As for seeing and feeling the termination, I opted for a surgical under general anesthetic, so I felt and remember nothing.

@Wynter123 do as much research as you can, know all of your available options, talk, talk and talk some more, write everything down and just try to breath and give yourself space and time to think - you will be ok ❤️

Try not to let the 3 week holiday impact your decision - this is a temporary time frame, so try not to let it make a permanent decision for you xx

I'm petrified of seeing/feeling it come out to be honest.
Although for me, I'm feeling more anxious about the pain.

I've had some horrific cramping just after finding out I'm pregnant (think severe period pains on steroids).
It was attacks of 1 long continuous cramp for 20-30 minutes at a time, which completely drained my energy and I felt so ill. Thankfully that passed.

However, I decided to read peoples journeys on medical abortions and a lot have described a similar pain.

If you do decide you want to terminate, they ask you which option you want. So you don't just have to have medical.

As bobb also said, don't let the holiday impact your decision. Use that as relaxation time and time to think.
Ultimately, you're at the very beginning of the journey.

Book a midwife appointment as a fail safe so whichever decision you make, you're covered.
And start taking pregnancy vitamins to again cover yourself, until you've made the decision.

The main thing however, is look after yourself. I can't stress how important this is.
You're going to feel tired/overwhelmed/weirdly hungry.
So make sure you nap, don't overdo it. Keep small, light bites to snack on and keep yourself hydrated.
I really struggled finding something palatable to drink, it's like my taste buds changed overnight.
I've found hot honey and lemon, flavoured water and milkshake the things I can stick drinking.
It's going to be a bit alien at first but stick with it, you'll get used to it.

Thank you both. I'm feeling much calmer today - still freaking out of course, but in a less panicked way!

I think we're going to just let it sit until we're back from the holiday, by which time we will hopefully have naturally come to a decision. I don't want to rush into either decision before we go just for the sake of getting it out the way before the trip; as you say, the trip is temporary, the decision is permanent.

Makes me feel a lot better that even if we decide on termination, it won't be too late by the time we're back to do that. So for now - I'm trying to just not overthink every minute of the day, get on with life as best I can and see what decision I naturally come to!

I'll try and remember to come back and let you know what we decide :D

Thank you both so much and all the best with your journeys xxx sending big hugs

@Wynter123 that sounds like a great plan - try to stay as level headed as humanly possible, I know it's easier said than done! But taking the time to let it sink in either way will do you the world of good with whatever you decide xx

Look after yourself and try to enjoy the holiday ❤as @PazzyPaz mentioned, if the sickness comes on, remember to eat little and often and drink plenty of fluids!

@PazzyPaz thinking of you today, I hope everything goes as well as possible for you ❤

Thanks. I woke up with a stinking migraine so I've been dead most of the day. I woke up at some point, took the first tablet.

Tomorrow is the next bit. I have a botox appointment (for migraines) in the afternoon though, so I need to wait until after that.

Feeling nervous but also looking forwards to getting back to myself. Migraines and all.

@PazzyPaz Hope you're doing OK x

I'm good!
Had another stinking migraine today, couldn't get botox, because I couldn't drive to the appointment.

So I ate migraine meds and made sure it was gone before I started step two of the termination.

I ate some of the codeine Marie Stopes prescribed me and some naproxen.
I had about two hours of cramping, starting ok but getting gradually worse.

Then I had about an hour of horrific contractions every 30 seconds, before eventually feeling a gush of fluid.
At this point the pain stopped instantly and I was able to get off my sofa and ran to the bathroom.
I just sat on the loo for a few minutes whilst it all emptied.

I didn't wanna check for the fetus. I just can't bring myself to do it.

But I'm confident it passed.

Had no pain since.

I hope I never have to repeat that again though.

@PazzyPaz Glad you're doing OK x Hope you're able to get some rest and recovery time now.

Can I ask, was there a reason you opted for medical over surgical? Were you given the option? I feel like I'm leaning towards termination but would prefer to go the surgical route (getting it over and done with in one go - not sure I like the sound of having to wait around at home and dealing with all the cramps/blood etc)... but am worried they will only give me the medical option because I'll be <10 weeks.

I've booked in for the midwife appointment but have also booked in with the abortion clinic, as I want to have the phone consultation before we go away (if possible) and have the procedure lined up for when we get back. That way, once we get back we have both options ready to go as I've read the waiting times can be pretty long at the moment and I think the longer I have to wait the worse it will be if we do definitely decide on termination.

What were your guys' experiences with the clinics/wait times/procedures offered etc?

@Wynter123 so I'm based in Spain, and the wait times are different here - I also decided to go private, so only waited 4 days between calling and getting my appt. I opted for the surgical, and honestly never even considered the medical route - like you, I just wanted it over and done with, and I have to say I had a very 'positive' (if you can say that!) experience.

I was in the clinic for a total of 1.5 hours, between filling forms, ultrasound, procedure itself + recovery time.

I had the general anaesthetic, literally lay on the bed, they put an IV drip in, i chatted with the nurses, took some deep breaths to calm myself and next thing I opened my eyes in the recovery room - remember/felt absolutely nothing.

The recovery time since has been minor - I had to use a pad for a couple of days, but with very light bleeding, like the first day of your period, and very mild intermittent cramping, again much less than a regular period - after 3 days, I didn't have to use a pad at all.

So in terms of procedure itself + recovery time, the surgical route worked very well for me personally. I was 11 weeks, but here in Spain you can opt for surgical or medical at any point.

For me personally, the medical route just seemed to add more difficulty and trauma to the whole situation, and I just wanted it over and done with, I felt I'd put myself through enough up until that point!

If you have any other specific qs/ doubts about it please ask!

Mine was through MSI. Originally I called my local NHS service which was a 3 week waiting time.

MSI does private and NHS funded. I booked an appointment with them on the sunday, had a questionnaire consultation on the Tues and then final consultation with a nurse on the weds. Meds sent out through post, received by the Friday.

All in all a 1 week wait time.

I honestly didn't give a thought about medical vs surgical.

I only really thought about it after I'd already received the tablets.

The NHS ask you if you've considered an option.

I think in hindsight, I would have preferred the surgical, just due to less pain.
But the actual experience wasn't anywhere near as traumatic as I was expecting it to be.

I'm feeling great today. No sickness. Medium flow, nothing too bad. A little tired, but nothing a cheeky nap on the sofa (with my cats), can't fix.

Mentally, I'm really feeling good. It's like a weight has been lifted.

Hi OP,

I had a medical abortion 3 weeks ago, and in a very similar situation as you in terms of ages of me and my partner, and both in stable jobs. Initially I went through the stages of possibly keeping the pregnancy, however financially it wasn't affordable (we're renting a one bed flat in a busy city with limited savings). It was the hardest, and still is the hardest decision, however it was the right one for me and my partner. Our relationship is stronger than ever at the moment despite what we've been through. I hope your holiday gives you time to think and come to a decision. It's an extremely anxiety inducing time having an unplanned pregnancy, take care x

Hi @pleasantfyne thanks so much for your message, it's been so nice to hear there are people out there in similar positions - this thread has literally been such a help!! Glad to hear you're doing well. That's been one of my biggest takeaways - how fortunate I feel to be in a happy stable relationship where we are both doing this together, I'm very lucky to have that support.

I had a call with BPAS this morning and have booked in for a surgical under GA once we're back from the holiday - feels weird to have booked that as well as a midwife appointment but having them all there and sorted before we go away is massively helping me relax about the whole thing. I'm 99% sure we're going for the termination at this point, and I feel really calm with the decision which I'm grateful for. But obviously, feelings could change over the next few weeks - but at least we have the options ready for when the time comes!

I'm most nervous about getting symptoms while we're away, as it might make me start to 'feel' more pregnant - at the moment I've almost just carried on like nothing's happened as it doesn't feel like anything has changed inside of me. Once I start getting symptoms it might bring up all sorts of confusing emotions... but we'll deal with that if/when it happens :) (Of course, if I feel totally rotten there's a chance it just confirms my decision even more 😂)

If anything I'm hoping the main outcome of all of this is going to be us realising that we do want this, just not right now - and it will just bring us closer together and motivate us more to get ourselves ready for when the time does come (mentally but also in the life-admin sense!!!). Eternally grateful to be living in a country where this is actually an option also - you don't appreciate that until you're in this situation I think.

Sending everyone lots of hugs, hope you're doing well @PazzyPaz x

I'm not doing too bad thanks!

I keep getting migraines, but I get them a lot anyway.
I was told by the nurse that the tablets can increase migraines and the drop in hormones also triggers them.

Overall 5 days on, still bleeding but it's slowly calming.
Had minor cramping and gas (again apparently common whilst your uterus shrinks back to size).

Mentally, I've been tons better. I really struggled with the pregnancy due to being ill and my dad being in hospital.

Two high stress situations. Terminating the pregnancy has made me feel tons better mentally.

Hi @Wynter123

I think you have a very level headed approach and glad to hear you've got those two options in place. I felt very unwell from the week my period should have been due (fatigue/breast pain/nausea and some vomiting), however that was just me. It did bring up those confusing thoughts as I did feel maternal, however I also felt so ill and "not me" that I wanted these symptoms to go away as selfish as I know that sounds. Hopefully you have minor symptoms when away.

We are very lucky to have this choice in this country, and sadly there is still so much stigma (I haven't told any family/friends outside of my partner as its such a contentious issue). Even last week an old friend was quite disparaging about someone in their life having had an abortion when a teenager, and I was shocked. You and your partner can only truly understand the decision you take, and I'm sure you'll come out stronger. All the best x

Hi all - just thought I'd check in with a quick update, hope you are all doing OK!

We got back from our trip and were still decided on going ahead with surgical termination, which I had on Friday. The trip was absolutely awful - with hindsight, I wish I hadn't gone because I felt absolutely awful the entire time (super sick!), so it was a pretty rubbish 3 weeks. However, the termination process all went OK. It's not something I would want to do again... but it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it might be. I opted for general anaesthetic so to me it was no different than going for a normal medical procedure. The bit I found toughest was sitting in the waiting room seeing all the other people, as there were some girls there who looked totally distraught and it really affected me emotionally.

My immediate feeling afterwards was relief - glad it was all done and we can get back to our lives. Also glad to no longer be feeling sick 24/7!!! I have had the occasionally emotional moment - the toughest bit was phoning the midwives to cancel my scan appointment (as I'd booked that before I went away just in case we did decide to go ahead). Having to say out loud to someone other than my partner/the BPAS staff that I'd had a termination hit me and did get me upset. However I still feel 100% at peace with our decision. It's never going to be something I'm 'happy' about, but it definitely was the right thing for us to do.

If anyone is reading this who is in a similar situation to I was - my biggest advice would just be take your time and listen to yourself. You will know what feels like the best decision for you when it comes down to it xx

Hey Wynter,

I'm glad you were able to come to a decision best for you.
I really feel like giving yourself the time to adjust and get your head around it, is the best idea.

Sorry to hear your holiday wasn't so great.
I felt incredibly sick from week 5, so I can appreciate how crappy you felt.

I was so thankful my sickness went really quickly after the abortion. That really wasn't pleasant.
I'm still struggling emotionally sometimes, but I think that's entirely normal. Plus a week after the abortion, I got sacked from my job and my dad had just been in hospital, so I've been incredibly stressed/depressed/ill (mostly due to migraines).

My head was all over and still is to a point. Although I have some saving grace, with the fact that the doc signed me off work for a couple of month, so no immediate pressure to find a job.