Found out today. Freaking out.

[Babyornot]

I’m freaking out because I found out today, of all days, that I’m pregnant. I’m 37. Never wanted kids. Married a kind and gentle man who didn’t want kids when we first dated 15/16 years ago, but over the relationship (before we married though) has changed his mind.

then we started trying 3 years ago. Was so fucking relieved each month that my period came, although I felt desperately sad my partner was upset. I suggested we go to the
fertility clinic to find out what was wrong, secretly hoping that we’d be told it wasn’t possible. Turns out he’s fine but I wasn’t. We then tried some Clomid. I wasn’t willing to do ivf.

added to all this, I am going through adult diagnosis of autism. I’ve sailed through the first tests with flying colours, as it were. I don’t want a child with autism. I had a hard life as a child being different, and I wouldn’t want a child like me, intelligent though I am. I was not easy to raise.

I like my life just as it is now. I like peace and quiet. I’m an academic with an interesting, creative, and varied job. I have horses.

I found out this morning as I was testing to see if we needed more Clomid. my husband cried with joy. I’ve had four panic attacks and have been in total hysterics. I can’t bear the thought of breaking my husband’s heart - he has been through so much loss in his life, that I would be cruel to do this to him - but I hate hate hate all the shit involved with mothering. The noise, the smell, the constant worry. I’ve already been worrying about the chemicals in deodorant and make up because I so don’t want an autistic child. The thought of being pregnant and giving birth makes me feel like throwing up. The thought of being lost in nappies and baby food and sleep schedules fills me with dread. Last year, I spent 13 weeks out of the country, my husband 15. All our friends are child free by choice in their late 30s and 40s. We go on holiday as a gang for multiple weeks a year and have our own friends-as-family set up.

I kept waiting for the moment where I would want our child together. But I don’t like myself enough to have a version of me. My bloodlines would be better off living in my books and research rather than living or breathing. I’ve been so mentally broken today that my husband has been the one saying I should go for an abortion. I kept pushing forward with every decision about fertility because I couldn’t see my husband grieve, and I couldn’t bear to leave him. I even got the little bedroom a little child ready last year - kids animal print blind and cute animal hooks. I was trying to make having a child become a material reality so I could make it something less abstract and terrifying. I went to therapy. Still find pregnant women gross and disturbing. Still find child birth a horrifying example of patriarchal medicine at its worst. Still find babies weird alien things that make my ears ring and skin crawl with Austistic sensory overload.

all the research and anecdotal information says that I should not reproduce. That feeling as I do is a vile thing to do to a child and that I should not be bringing one into this world. I’m literally
only on day 27 of my cycle. It could not be earlier that I found this out. But I also can’t bear to do this to my husband. I feel like almost suicidal with grief and anxiety - almost being I know I wouldn’t do it, but I crave the finality of not being here, of not having to be the one who aborted my husband’s baby, of not having to be a mother. I love my freedom. I love competing in dangerous sports. I love our friends. I love our life. It’s a great life. Sometimes I’m angry that this isn’t enough for my husband, as my world
with him is just enough as it is. My life right now is perfect.

I don’t know where else to turn but here. My mum (79 years old) went from saying this was a great Mother’s Day gift to saying that it might be best to get an abortion after some (more) therapy as I was so mad with grief and fear today. I just couldn’t get out of the meltdown hour after hour after hour. I felt so trapped and I couldn’t stop the anxiety. I feel like my husband is throwing me a lifeline by saying he supports me getting an abortion because he didn’t expect me to break so badly mentally. But I also can see how hurt he is, even though he’s being strong.

what do I do? I feel like I’m losing myself and it’s only been 8 hours since I found out. I feel sick and desperate. I feel guilty. I am really really
scared of all my options. Why has the mother instinct never kicked in? Why couldn’t I just go on this normal path and have the desire kick in?

I really freaked out when I found out too.

It was 5am and I had work a couple of hours later.

It's the shock of everything.

Honestly, take a day or two to calm down, gather your thoughts. Its a big choice and you have a lot of mixed emotions right now.
Whilst I can't sya you'll change your thoughts or feelings about a child entering your life, I can say that you'll find it easier to function and to think, once the shock has worn off.

Take some time to yourself, speak to your support network.
I reached out to my family and close friends.
I told them the situation, my thoughts and feelings and honesty, either way they would have supported me.

I think that in itself helped me feel more at ease.

I found out 4 weeks ago, I thought initially "i dont want it", after a week of hoping that I would just miscarry, I then came round to the idea of keeping it and then I changed my mind again.

I've been stuck at the point of terminating this pregnancy for two weeks now, I have my tablets and I'm starting the process on Tuesday.

However, having that time to really think and to calm my head, has helped a ton.

Just let your head settle for a few days, you have time to think and have time to make a decision.

Just make sure you have some good support and don't let people influence you with a biased view.
You just need them to listen.
The abortion clinics offer mental health support so you can break down everything, to get to the answer you need.

Thanks so much. I just feel awful as my husband desperately wants a child and he’s a good kind loving man who is going to be a multimillionaire inside of a year or two because of how well his business is going. I feel like a monster that I have gone this far and brought him so close to what he wants after years of trying. But I am so angry at myself at the world at being born female. If I could be a dad I would be.

Don't feel angry at yourself. Really.

I always thought I wanted to be a mum and then I've ended up pregnant, hating it and really not wanting to be one.
The whole experience for me has been stressful.

No one really know what they want until it's actually there.

My family are neuro diverse and like yourself, I've worried about having an autistic/adhd child.
I explained this to my mum who kinda understood. My older brother is autistic, very high functioning, so I would expect my mum to understand more.
The path with him has not been easy and he cut himself off from her.

Have you ever thought about other options, such as surrogacy or using a donor egg?
It would still give your husband a chance at having his genetics with a baby, but it would mean that you don't have to worry about yours.

It really is a huge and stressful situation to be in and until you're in it, you don't realise just how stressful it is.
It's a huge life choice, with many worries and it's easy to feel like a deer in headlights.

However, what I would say is, just take a bit of time, talk things through with your husband.

Make a list of your concerns, thoughts and feelings and work through it and explain it to him.

Don't stress yourself too much though.

Although you're feeling really horrible right now, like I said, until you're in the situation, you really don't know how you will feel.