Trying again after abortion - am I crazy?

[Impossiblechoice2023]

Hello. I very recently (just last week) had a termination. I instantly regretted it, and have been living in my own personal hell ever since. For the past 9 days I have felt absolutely crushed by feelings of "what have I done??" and "that was my baby!!"; I have not felt one second of the relief I thought I would from this decision. My pregnancy was planned. I have two children already (and a stable marriage, and financial stability) and have always longed for a third. It finally happened, but from the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, I freaked out. There's no other way to put it; my brain just spiraled into every negative thought/fear I could conjure up. I am not someone who is prone to anxiety or depression, but during the six weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed by both. Now that the dust has settled, and now that I'm not inundated with pregnancy hormones, I feel certain that I made a fear-based decision. I let my anxieties confuse my head and my heart, and the choice I made which I so deeply regret was based on that confusion. I feel this with every fiber of my being, and the regret I have is devastating. My husband, who is not used to seeing me like this, has already brought up the idea of trying to conceive again. He says there's nothing we can do about the choice we made and the feelings of regret, but that doesn't mean we have to close the door on the conversation of a third child altogether. I love him for saying that, but I am scared to rush into another pregnancy. I am scared of the near-debilitating anxiety that dominated my January and February. And yet... the clock is ticking. I am 39 yo and my two children are already 5 and 7 yo. I don't feel like I can wait another year or so before making this decision. What should I do? I don't mean, "should we try again?"; I mean, how long should I contemplate this? How long should I give myself to make a decision? I am grieving right now and I know another pregnancy won't undo the pain of my termination. But I also still long for a third child and becoming pregnant again is all I can think about. I feel like such a mess. Please advise; I need some (compassionate) voices of reason.

Hi!
oh my goodness. I’m very sorry this has been your experience.
I too had a similar time. Although I had no children, I became pregnant with a planned pregnancy in 2021. From the moment I saw the positive text I felt a sense of doom. Anxieties were through the roof. Mood was low & I was convinced I’d made a terrible mistake being pregnant.

Fast forward one month & I made the decision to have a termination - with my husbands support. I’d also spoke to a Mari stopes counsellor before.
when I had the termination at home, I was little only 8 weeks. The relief was immediate. But also very short lived.

I feel into a spiral of deep regret. I was utterly consumed by it. I was ashamed & so sorry for what I’d done. I started counselling about 2 months later. And also got in contact with an organisation in Birmingham who helped me so very much navigate my way through what had happened.

slowly i went through that dark tunnel. I’m out the other end (for the most). I still think “what if…..” about if I’d continued with the pregnancy but in that moment it wasn’t an option & I have to stand by that.

Im now 40. And pregnant again. All is calmer &
with the help of counselling I’m in a much better place.

Id recommend seeking speaking to someone. It’s not cheap but so very worth it. Give your body time too. Try eat well, get some sleep, rest but be mindful of moving & getting some fresh air. If you decide to try & be pregnant again - that is ok. It’s nobodies business, except you & your husband.

be kind to yourself. You made the choice based on thoughts & feelings that overwhelmed you. We can’t turn back the clock but can either stand still (which doesn’t help) or move forward.

Thinking of you. Go easy.xxxx

Oops! Sorry for all the typos.

The organisation in Birmingham is called ‘Stillwaters’.

If you google ‘Stillwaters Birmingham’ you should find it.
I kinda found it by accident but they are wonderful. I don’t live near Birmingham but was still able to use their services. Definitely worth exploring.xx

Thank you for your very kind and personal response. I am now nearly two weeks out from the termination. I realize that’s still incredibly recent, but with each day I feel a bit better. I’m still in a very bad place (not suicidal or anything, just so, so sad), but I do feel like I’m at least coming to terms with the reality of what happened, as opposed to feeling shell shocked, which is the best way I can describe how I felt for the first week and a half.

It’s interesting that you mentioned counseling… I had actually been looking for a therapist prior to finding out that I was pregnant. I found someone, and met with her 3x. In the third session, I confided to her about my pregnancy, accompanying anxiety, and the fact that I was considering a termination. The next week, she “broke up with me,” saying that a change in her personal life affected the number of patients she could see. I have wondered ever since if she had some sort of moral issue with my mentioning abortion. Of course, that hasn’t helped with my feelings of regret and shame, and I’m still trying to get set up with a therapist…

My husband has now brought up trying again 3 or 4 times. When he does, my heart flickers with a bit of hope. But I also know that, even if we do make the choice to try again (and this time without fear guiding our every move), we need to wait until we are further away from the raw emotions of my recent experience. I just don’t know how long to wait. At what point can I trust myself again? Not a question I’m expecting you to answer, of course :), but that’s where my mind is at the moment.

The advice about taking care of myself is good. I am absolutely not doing that at the moment — started smoking again, eating like crap, not drinking enough water, not sleeping well, not moving my body. I’m giving myself some grace right now, but in another week or two maybe I’ll try to get back to better habits. I’m so down on myself at the moment that it’s hard for me to see the value of self care :(

It’s so lovely to hear you are pregnant. And at 40, too! (I will be 40 in a few months). I wish you all the best ❤️

Hi,
For so many women (I appreciate not all as some women never glance back) going through a termination is traumatic.
As the thoughts & feelings regarding this for you are so raw, then spending time trying to get back to some sort of semi balance would be advisable. Speaking to a counsellor etc to try & navigable all what has happened. All this before you can make a decision for the future. I’m sure you never thought you’d be in these shoes.

I know 2 years later, things are certainly lighter & brighter. Im very fortunate to be pregnant again. I personally will never forget what has happened & the choices I made. After some time, I was able to light a candle etc for the baby I’d “lost”. I spoke to them & offered my sincere apologises for what I’d done.

I totally get that this is a very dark time. But it is like going through a tunnel. You need to keep going to come out the other side.

Day by day.xx

How do it go? Did you end up pregnant again

Hello, I completely relate to this post. Found out pregnant 30th Jan, had termination 12th feb. Married, stable with 8 year old. Could see the baby here and he was real. Husband didn't want it. everytime i suggested a positive, he would challenge it. I was so afraid of things going wrong that I then had an abortion, thinking that we both needed to want the baby to go through with it. He kept saying it would be bad for our son- but now he says that was just his opinion not a fact whereas at the time I didnt challenge that view. I just focused on the abortion process and became detached. I have mh problems and regret all my decisions but thought as i cope with big life decisions I would cope with this- I don't know why we were so detached from the process. I didn't even write my thoughts down or speak to someone or google impact of abortion when I spent 3 months last year deciding a paint colour! Within an hour of the first pill I regretted my decision. I then spoke to the counsellor who said I had time and may be able to save the baby which gave me hope. So I didn't take the second pill and had hope the baby would be saved. However, I still lost the baby. Fast forward 8 weeks and I am a mess- its been the worst period of my life. I just keep obsessing and spend my days reading about the topic (why didn't i do this before). I feel haunted by the baby and see him here and still think he will be here in september. I am scared this will be with me forever. I feel let down by the termination service- i said i suffer from mh problems and would need post counselling- but have had one session in 8 weeks. Am on the list for Stillwaters support and looking to go privately. I can't now enjoy my son- I just feel this creeping dread and disgust. My husband is so bored of me just talking about it- he says we just have to move on. I have always had two minds- one going through the motions and one obsessing. Now my obsessing brain is just focused on this 24/7. I just can't believe this is my life now. I did it to protect what I had but life will never be what it was. The only thing that gives me comfort is reading posts like this knowing I was not alone. I have been put on sertaline by the doctor which 6 weeks later is kicking in a bit so I am no longer self-harming but still just obsessing over things 24/7. Thank you for everyone who shared their stories, it helps knowing I am not alone.

I feel your pain I had an early termination in march and fully regret it I think about it all the time in every aspect of my life , I do suffer with mh problems I have server anxiety and insomnia now and started when I found out I was pregnant,which caused me to make the desision I did, I’m ashamed but I will not let my mh ever get in the way of it ever happening again I’m looking forward to when I do become pregnant again and given a second chance I would be the most luckiest person in the world, I’m too on sertraline I was on it 6 months prior and had a health that was causing it to come back but I was oblivious to it then but looking back now I was struggling. Are you thinking of trying again saskia?… someone was said we have the children were suppose to have and that’s something that sticks with me and heals to a degree

This is me 💔 how are you now x

I had an unplanned pregnancy during lockdown in 2020. We had always talked about a third child and trying that year (hence that I wasn’t using proper birth control) but it still was not expected and after months of no childcare and home schooling I absolutely couldn’t see a way we could make it work and was in total panic. We made the decision very quickly and I had a medical abortion at 5weeks ish which was very straightforward. I was very relieved afterwards but very very sad. In the aftermath with Covid changing and life seeming different again we decided that we would in fact like to try properly for a third child and after an early miscarriage we had a successful pregnancy and I now have my third child. What I would say is that I will never forget what happened and there will always be some grief but I have learnt to go easy on myself.
You cannot make an abortion go away by trying again but at the same time I am very very glad we did.

This is such a comforting story, I am so happy for you ❤️
how long after was it you fell pregnant? Also did you say you had a Mc after the termination too?
if so how long after did you fall, did you wait a while as it’s been 4 weeks today and the pain is no easier. But I am so sure in what I want and still would do anything to
go back in time.
im so pleased you had the chance again.
x

@Forgiveness this wont be what you may want to hear but i would say try and give yourself time to process your feelings and grieve. its the hardest thing ive ever gone through. but i rushed to get pregnant again- and fell pregnant the next month. im a complete mess as still dont know whether its the right thing or was just a hormonal reaction to the grief. i would access some counselling and process the complex emotions round it. i really wish i had done the emotional processing work first (well i wish i had never got pregnant, had the termination etc....). your hormones will be depserate now but give yourself time. i think we are all wishing life had not taken us on this path! x

@Saskia2023 thank you for your guidance and I think you are right. I do believe time does need to pass for us to heal,
and with your feelings I’m sure it’s all hormones and normal to feel that panic again especially after the trauma before. But it’s clearly happening for a reason, as much as it sounds hard on you.. you can still heal yourself in the meantime, I know you must be going through so much and my heart goes out to you. I
also saw my medium who I’ve seen for over 10 years and she told me to wait till December, so I’m going to do that. I really hope you’re ok xx

@Forgiveness We tried again 6 months later, in part this was because I did not instantly regret the decision, life felt very unstable and it was only a a couple of months later I began to think that actually it had been the wrong choice because the thought of a third baby was still there. We then spent a few months talking about it and being quite unsure whether it was crazy to try again. But we did. First month of trying 6m later I got pregnant but it didn’t progress so chemical/early loss. And second month had a successful pregnancy.

I echo what others have said try not to rush into it I felt like 6m was quite a short time and questioned whether my reasons for the abortion were in fact still valid right up until we decided we would go for it.
During the pregnancy my hormones were all over the place in the first trimester and doubts crept in and I had to work hard not to catastrophise the situation especially as another lockdown happened! But things settled and I did enjoy the pregnancy once the first scan was out of the way.

Personally I know it was 100% the right thing to try again, because I am very content with my three, despite the fact that as I say the abortion does not go away, it will always have happened. But you do not have to punish yourself by not trying again - just take your time over it because I think you know you definitely couldn’t go through another abortion. I wish you luck, be kind to yourself xx

Thank you for your support and guidance. I’m going to wait, till December as I had a reading with my medium who I’ve been seeing for over 10 years. And she told me things that really helped me, also just to add before her I always use to be sceptical but honestly she’s the real deal. She told me to wait till December. And the spirit baby would come back, that’s deep stuff though. If you’re spiritual and have looked into soul contracts abortion and read the book spirit babies you’ll understand it more, but I’m going to wait to heal too. To allow myself to process it, understanding I’m going through grief and again panic, so I need time to adjust and try and be back into life as I’ve shut myself off from the world for over a month now.
its not getting me anywhere so time is now about recovery and healing. I’m sending you all the love and light xx

I just did a medication abortion 2 days ago and I have two children as well 5 year old and 8mo. The moment I did it I regretted it. I felt the same way like it would be too much even though I thought about having a 3rd child the moment I gave birth to my 8mo. Found out was pregnant, freaked out, my fear got the best of me and now I want to get pregnant again. I’m so upset because when I took the first pill at the doctors office, I got the depo shot. So I won’t be able to try for another 13 weeks. Absolutely devastated and a total mess right now. I hope everything worked out for you and your family🩷 this right here makes me feel not so alone and crazy. I haven’t even confessed my regret to my husband.

I am so sorry you are going through the pain right now-- those first few weeks after was the worst time of my whole life. all i would say is that the absolute desperate desire to have a child immediately after a termination is somewhat biological and feels almost animalistic. i know i went quite crazy- even looking at sperm donation on the internet even though i am married! i know 13 weeks feels forever away but see it as giving you a bit of space of try and grieve before trying again. i stupidly rushed into trying again and within 2 months was pregnant again and its been a horrible pregnancy as i m still processing the termination but struggling to connect with this one and that it doesnt necessarily right a wrong. people said not to rush into it and i didnt listen and wish i had. theres few of us here who terminated due to anexity and its a horrible place to be in (and services should be better at helping us to realise before we jump into the procedure). do message any time- weve been there and it will feel so raw at present but i promise things do improve x

I’m sending you all the love ❤️
im doing much better today, days are hard but I’ve managed to it inti a box for now as I hadn’t been able to do anything for 8 weeks, apart from sitting in grief and pain. And regret and the shame was killing me. But after that reading, everything changed. You’re not alone and that gave me comfort In knowing I wasn’t completely out of my mind, and women go through this panic and fear all the time. I’ve learnt a lot in these last 10 weeks, I’ve just gone back to work as I was signed off with depression. But I’m starting to understand, good people make mistakes and bad choices, not because we are bad people. Because we are only human, trying to navigate our way through life. And we don’t always get it right, life teaches us the lessons we need to learn. Now we know, we wouldn’t ever make that mistake again, the hardest most painful lesson to learn. But at least we have learnt, we were not in the right frame of mind. Fear took over, we regret and we are sorry. We are trying to redeem. Life’s about love and redemption. Forgive and be kind to yourself xx

Hello, how are you doing ? Did you manage to conceive yet ?

Yes, actually. We decided to try again and I am now 7 months pregnant with our third child. Feeling excited and experiencing none of the dread that I felt last year <3

That's wonderful news 🥳 so happy for you xx

Congratulations

Did you try straight away? How long did it take you to conceive?

No, definitely did not start trying again right away. I knew I needed to let my hormones settle a bit, and that it was important to really consider my options with a clear head. I terminated in March of 2023, and we didn't start trying again until late summer. I became pregnant in December.

That's lovely you are having a baby. I wish you all the luck. We are trying again so hopefully we will get another chance.