What is wrong with me?

[ClintFeastwood]

I had a very very traumatic birth with my eldest 6 years ago and said I would never have any more. Then last year I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and was frightened but pleased, then devastated when I miscarried at 6 weeks. So then we decided to try again, got pregnant really quickly but another 6 week miscarriage, I was heartbroken. Then just said I'm not doing it again as cannot cope with a third lost and we left it, and now I'm pregnant again, unplanned. Thought I was miscarrying early on and was again devastated but 8 weeks and there is a healthy baby and heartbeat, we found out today. And now I feel like I don't want the baby, I'm absolutely terrified. I'm scared of dying in childbirth as will be a high risk pregnancy, I'm scared of finding out I have cancer during pregnancy and leaving my DS and a newborn (I have no reason for thinking this it is just my head doing stupid things), I am scared of my DH dying and leaving me with 2 kids, I am scared of upending our life which is very easy with one child.

What's wrong with me? Why am I like this??

Understandably, after a traumatic birth and your MCs, it seems you are suffering a bit of anxiety. It seems to be spiralling a bit, as anxiety tends to do, so now you are anxious about all sorts of things.
Do speak to the midwife, they can refer you to some support if needed.

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/keeping-well/mental-health/

I have terrible anxiety and I can't tolerate uncertainty. I'm worried I've completely ruined my life by getting pregnant.

@ClintFeastwood how are you now? I'm also struggling with anxiety in early pregnancy. Its an awful feeling.

Perinatal anxiety is very real. Could you go to your doctors and speak to them? @Confusedaseveriwas.

@heartbroken22 yes but just been told its hormones and that it should pass. I feel so alone, I can't continue feeling like this.

@ I wrote this to someone else the other day. I hope it helps you and more women.

Hi the doubt that comes is from perinatal anxiety and the hormones rushing in. Once you settle into mid preganancy around 20 weeks ish or even 18 it passes and gets better. Just hold on and have a strong support system that you can talk to. Join groups of your due date it may help but hold on. I had this panic and fear with 3rd child, terminated and regretted it so badly. I'd do anything to change time as all I needed was a handhold with my hyperemesis and toddler . I got pregnant again with my little princess had the same thoughts but once I progressed into the mid stages it got better. If only life was easy and you could just press your belly button to get an instant baby. But it's the growing and remembering all your past experiences that cause us anxiety.

This anxiety will pass and you will settle. Once the anxiety passes whilst in pregnancy you will feel joy and care. Don't make a decision whilst your anxious. Everytime you feel fear or what's going to happen write it down in a book and say this is temporary this will pass and tell yourself you just need to make it to the next week.

Sorry @Confusedaseveriwas the above message is for you

Hi@heartbroken22 thanks for your reply. Unfortunately I don't think I can wait that lenght of time, this anxiety is all consuming me. Literally losing weight by the second. I just can't. My dc and dp are losing me by the day. I'm not myself at all. I just can't believe this has happened to me. How I wish this wasn't happening...

@Confusedaseveriwas

Could go to the doctors and ask for anxiety medication?

If I'm honest it does settle down at 10 weeks. It can do. For me once I terminated and got pregnant again 3 months later (from the grief) I wanted to do it again as hg was horrible. I had a lovely midwife who just changed my mind and everything suddenly felt okay.

If you are thinking of a termination write your reasons down on a piece of paper for for and against. Keep hold of it. Also make sure you have counselling before the termination. I didn't have it but a lot of people did and said it helped.

What's your situation like btw? Can you speak to family? Do you already have children?

Hi@heartbroken22 thanks. I won't take meds as they'll make me more anxious that they could affect baby. I knoe hormones are crazy high right now and that could be impacting my judgement but very worried if it doenst lift at 10 weeks then where will I be? My kids and husband are suffering right now and I can't risk them suffering for yhe entire pregnancy and potentially postpartum too.
My husband is amazing support and I've had 2 counselling sessions already and I've another this weekend. Counsellor feels I've really thought this decision thought and feels either way I won't regret ny decision. I hope she's right.
What was your situation if you don't mind me asking. I really really appreciate your advice and help. X

@Confusedaseveriwas it's important to remember that you can't undo time. If you keep the pregnancy you can work on the anxiety. If you abort the anxiety will go but you won't necessarily go back to how it was before, you will potentially have a new set of feelings. It's not a rewind button (I wish there it was).

If you don't want to consider medication then talking to your GP or a mental health midwife would be really beneficial as there are alternatives.

Would you be willing to take a vitamin instead? Some lovely lady on here said she took b6 for her HG and anxiety. I took it with b12 and honestly it calmed me down in the preganancy that followed the termination.

I got pregnant with 3rd and was terrified and so anxious. I just needed a handhold through it but had no one to understand or listen. Took the pill and terminated. Regretted it instantly and cried so much...there was so much grief. I couldn't understand as I promised myself I wouldn't regret and I'm doing it for my other kids. But it was too much and I got pregnant 3 months later after lot using any protection. Although I have my 3rd baby now I still have grief from my termination and still ask God sometimes to let me see that baby in heaven. I knew the pregnancy following termination would be hard with hg but I prepared better and took b6 and b12. Like you I didn't want medication such as anxiety medication or even anti sickness. It would stress me having to take them. I just took the b6 and b12 to help me and honestly it did calm me down. I wasn't terrified or frightened like before.

I asked my doctor if it was safe to double check taking them vitamins and it was... so did take them.

@Confusedaseveriwas you sound about as anxious as me and it’s hell, so I’m sorry you’re going through this.

As a previous poster said, having an abortion isn’t a rewind. If you’re struggling with the decision this much now then you likely won’t just go back to normal at least not straight away. Although lots of women do seem to. I’m not the same person I was before I had mine and that’s largely down to my personality/ anxiety.

That said, mental health is just as valid as physical health when it comes to this decision. I think people respond differently to people with physical health struggles than they do to those with mental health struggles. No one would (should) urge you to keep a pregnancy if it were going to significantly physically impact you for potentially years to come.

The reality for me was either keep the baby and be 99% likely to be an anxious mess throughout the entire pregnancy, postpartum period and to a lesser extent until the baby would’ve been 1/2 years old. Or have an abortion and focus on my mental health for the sake of my existing children. I choose the latter and as I said in a different post to you, it’s been really really difficult but I know this way has had the least impact on my kids.

I’m a hypocrite for saying it because I wouldn’t do it but I’d definitely recommend SSRIs if you do decide to continue. And definitely seeking talking therapy regardless, it sounds like you need support either way.