9 weeks pregnant and confused - TW termination

[Saraxx90]

Hi everyone - this is a bit of a long one, but I'm feeling very lost and confused right now and could really do with some external advice/guidance ❤️

I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant and really unsure of whether or not to go through with the pregnancy.

A little background: I'm 31 and OH is 54, neither of us have children, and I previously had a termination aged 27 (with the same person) - I completely freaked out the first time and felt so unbelievably unready for a number of different reasons, so I've spent the last 4 years addressing those issues so I'd eventually feel strong and confident enough to start trying again.

My partner was extremely supportive during the first termination and said we wouldn't start trying again until I felt ready enough to do so, despite his age when we really should have started a number of years ago.

Since finding out, I have had such mixed feelings about it all again, and even though I thought I'd addressed the issues from last time, I just don't feel excited or happy about the pregnancy and overall feel very down, questioning our relationship, my partner's age, whether or not I love him etc. Even though I had thought about all of these factors beforehand, it all feels so different when you're actually pregnant and these issues/doubts aren't hypothetical anymore.

I see other mums on here being so excited about their pregnancy, and I just don't 💔

The last time, I really rushed my decision having a termination because I really felt the time pressure and that if the thought of terminating even entered my head, then it was something I obviously wanted deep down (I was 6 weeks), so, I'm trying my hardest to come round to the prospect before rushing into anything I can't take back; I feel sad that we went through that the first time, but ultimately felt it was the right decision at the time and we got through it. If I make that decision again, our relationship would be over, I feel so torn about the whole thing and the prospect of hurting my partner again.

I feel so stupid and ungrateful because I've been here before, but just can't help letting the same worries take over me again.

Basically, I don't know if I should take these feelings of anxiety and doubt as a sign/ gut feeling that it's not the right decision to make and I should move on from the relationship and have a clean break (I don't see going it alone as an option) - every time I think of the future, I just don't feel happy/excited about it and I feel I made the decision to fall pregnant again with my head instead of my heart/gut feeling.

Thank you so much for reading this far, it's a relief to even just write the thoughts down xx

It seems like your gut instinct is to continue the pregnancy. I think doubts and worries are very normal. I felt the same and decided to terminate and bitterly regret now. I was just worried and scared. Have you imagined yourself in both situations?

@ShoeClues thank you for your reply ❤I have tried to imagine myself in both situations, but I suppose it's difficult to do so as I can't fully imagine what it would be like to have a child, as I'm not a mother yet.

I've never regretted the first termination, sad that it happened of course, but as I'm having the same adverse feelings towards the pregnancy this time round again, I'm wondering if it's my sign to get out of the relationship and move on - this sounds terrible, but I've just never been able to fully imagine a future with my partner, and thought that by getting pregnant something would click for me and make sense, but it's done nothing but the opposite and put the spotlight on all my doubts and worries even more :(

I can sort of relate to your situation as I’ve been there but totally regretted having the first abortion, was worse as it was twins. I also was with an older guy at the time. Even though my situation was quite toxic, so cannot compare it to yourself of course. It took me 5+ years to completely heal from that Abortion. I felt like I could hear them crying somewhere which gave me chills.

Although I’m much better now and have forgiven myself for it I wouldn’t hope that feeling on anyone.

I would say you clearly have something drawing you to this guy because 4 years together isn’t 4 weeks if you know what I mean.

I would say it shouldn’t take another pregnancy to know if your compatible enough. I think children are blessings and as long as your happy with him that’s all that matters.

Of course it’s your final decision to make. I would suggest you keeping the pregnancy even if you change your mind about your other half but its always your child. I think every child is a blessing and if your partner is supportive you’ve got a lot to be happy and grateful for. I wish you the best with the final decision making and don’t over stress thinking about it all.