9 weeks pregnant and unsure of relationship

[Saraxx90]

TW: termination

Hi everyone - I'm desperately seeking some outside advice.

I'm 32 and OH is 55, and neither of us have any children. I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant and contemplating ending the pregnancy, as I feel so unsure about the relationship. OH is a lovely person and so supportive and happy about the pregnancy, but I just can't shake the doubts I've always had about our relationship, whether or not it would last and the difficulty in bringing a child into an age gap relationship and with someone I don't truly love - I've thought about leaving various times over the years, but ultimately got comfortable again and never actually pushed myself to do it. There's nothing OH has done and I think this is partly the reason why I hadn't left - because there was no real 'reason' to - now that I'm pregnant, it's putting everything under the spotlight and I fear I've made a huge mistake and should have acted on my gut feelings a long time.

The most confusing and saddening thing about the whole situation is that this wasn't an unplanned pregnancy, I reasoned all my doubts away and thought, hey, we've been together 8 years, he's a nice person, let's go for it - I feel so unbelievably naive and vulnerable right now thinking back on my thought process.

I'm not sure if I'm just freaking out because of the enormity of becoming a parent, pregnancy hormones and committing to someone, but I feel I owe it to any future child to bring them into a loving relationship with good intentions - I know things can happen in the future and not all relationships work out, but at least for the good intentions to be there at the time of bringing a child into the world.

I've spoken with my sister, but she's always been on the fence about the relationship because of the age gap, so I feel her advice is one-sided.

I've also called a helpline, but again their job is to lead you to make up your own mind (understandably).

If anyone could shed some outside perspective on the situation, I would be eternally grateful - thank you for reading xx

I’m sorry you’re in this position.

I don’t know if this will be helpful, but if you can dismiss any thought of what you think you ‘should’ be feeling, what are you left with? And if you miscarried tomorrow, what do you think you would feel?

Also, you are allowed to change your mind even if the pregnancy was planned. You also shouldn’t be swayed by what he wants, don’t have a child because he wants one if you don’t. You don’t owe him a child any more than you owe him a relationship. You owe yourself the life you want.

Thank you so much for your reply @whumpthereitis ❤I know it's perfectly normal for some women to not feel excited about their pregnancies as it's such daunting time, but I've never felt particularly excited about the future in terms of the relationship - if anything, I see my future getting more difficult and complicated with an ageing partner to look after and the high possibility of raising a teenager alone (again, all things we had discussed and rationalised by saying "oh, anyone could die at any point", but the chances are far higher in this case) - I know he'd be a great dad, but I think I'd need to love him to the moon and back, no questions asked to set myself up for a life like that.

As for how I'd feel if I miscarried, I did have a slight 'scare' a few weeks back when I lost all pregnancy symptoms quite suddenly, and the relief I felt was immense - they came back a few days later stronger than before though. So how I reacted to that situation really prompted me to look deeper, as when I told my sister about the loss of symptoms, she was worried for me - but I had a totally different reaction.

I think where I'm struggling to make the decision is the impact - terminating and leaving him will implode my life as I know it right now, but I'l recover ... eventually; continuing and staying would make things easier now, but in the future? Who knows.

I just feel horrendous ripping a whole life away from a good person so suddenly 💔

You've helped more than you could ever imagine @whumpthereitis , thank you so much for taking the time to reply, and your kind and supportive words, truly ❤

Do not sleepwalk into a life you don’t want. A life that you have to convince yourself that you do (or will). You’re worth far more than that, and you owe yourself better.

He may be a good person, but that doesn’t mean you are obliged to give him the years of your life and your body. You’re an individual in your own right, with your own needs and desires. You’re not someone else’s reward.

the fact that you’re questioning, considering hard truths and decisions, instead of just going with what you think you ‘should’ do, imo means you’re actually incredibly brave as well as strong. Don’t shortchange yourself. You will be okay.

I’m genuinely glad my words helped. Look after yourself.

@whumpthereitis you really hit the nail on the head there: sleepwalking into a life - that sums up exactly how I feel and I couldn't have said it any better myself, like I've been plodding along the last few years because there was no real reason to ever leave, but now I've fallen pregnant I feel like I've had a bit of a wake up call and forced myself to look inside.

This weekend is going to be a tough one, but the sooner I tell him the better for everyone 💔

I’m not sure if I’ll be helpful, but I was in the similar position like you 6 years ago…. Being pregnant with person where I was questioning the relationship the whole time, but pregnancy was kind of planned (we talked about having children a lot). I kept the child, but was considering abortion till last minute (12 weeks). I love my child, but my main thinking was - would I be happy as a single parent?? And I answered yes. So here I am - single parent. If you are questioning the relationship now - it’s gonna get much tougher with baby - would you be ok being single parent? How much you want children?

Btw all the flaws and things I was worried about / was questioning my relationship for were really magnified by parenting…

@Janese2 thank you for your reply and sharing your experience ❤️

I feel in my heart of hearts I'd rather a clean break, I would love children one day but as I don't feel right about the relationship or even connected to the pregnancy (because of that), I think I have double alarm bells ringing - it's just so tough as my partner is a lovely person, but have just never felt 100% in the relationship, like I'm always holding back for some reason.. I just don't know how long I can hold back for, or even know if that amount of hesitation moving forward is normal in a relationship? I've never opened up to family/friends about relationship doubts over the years so have no idea what is considered ok, and what's a red flag - if that makes sense?