Need help with my abortion guilt

[Kirsty12341]

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions since I had my abortion on 23/06/22. I still haven’t accepted my decision and still fighting with myself whether I made the right or wrong choice. Some days I convince myself it was for the best but most days I can’t accept that my reasons were valid enough. When I really think it all over I know that all the “problems” surrounding the pregnancy could have been overcome and it really comes down to me being scared about raising a 4th child and feeling overwhelmed because it was unplanned. I really believe if I had spoke to someone and got over the shock of being pregnant again I would be sitting happily right now with a newborn in my arms. Is anyone else still struggling with accepting their decision? Do you feel the urge to get pregnant again to make up for willingly giving up a life? I’m still not on any birth control except condoms (I can count how many times I’ve had sex with my husband since the abortion) I’m scared to walk into the clinic to get the coil incase it triggers me (I had a traumatic experience), I don’t trust myself to rely on the pill so I’ve just avoided the situation (I know I can’t go on like this). I do a pregnancy test every month even when I’ve not had sex and can’t possibly be pregnant, when I do it I’m scared it will say pregnant and I’m in the same situation as before but deep down I’m praying for a positive so I can make the right decision and make up for what I’ve done (I know nothing can bring back the baby I gave up). How messed up am I for thinking in this way? I’m so confused and don’t know what I can do to think more clearly, how to come to terms with the abortion, whether I truly want another baby or want to make up for my abortion. I won’t be making any decisions anytime soon because I know I’m not in the right mind frame. I just need something to help me go forward in accepting my abortion so that I can move on. Sorry for the long post and taking the time to read xx

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I can’t take your pain and guilt away, but what I would try to say is: do not to beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself. You did the best you could at the time with the information you had, and you felt that an abortion was the best option for you. There is strength in making such a difficult decision. No one makes a decision like that lightly.

Remember that abortions rarely affect your fertility going forward, and when you do fall pregnant, now you know you will fully want and love that child. No life should come to the world without being fully wanted: you made the right call at the time for you.

be kinder to yourself ❤️

Hi there

I went thru something similar in 2020. I have two lovely kids and my youngest was only 11 months old and I had already done 2 under 2. Mentally and physically I could not have gone thru another pregnancy, sleepless nights and anxiety of having another dependent.

My heart ached, I tried for another child (but didn't get pregnant! Thank God!) The guilt was real. I went into depression and needed medication. My husband is traumatized from seeing me in that state.

Even after three years, I can tell you that it was the right decision but a tough one. I still have the guilt and the sadness but that's mine to deal with, my kids aren't suffering. I have more time, patience and money for them.

Media plays a big role into making us mums feel bad about such decisions. They make motherhood look amazing, but it's a lonely and an unappreciated role. They show only young girls who aren't aware of contraception, get terminations. Instead of middle-aged mothers who are drowning with all these expectations. I have been with my husband since I was 18. All those months/years I didn't get pregnant and no one congratulated me for not getting pregnant. I took pill for 10 years before deciding to get pregnant. I wasn't on contraception because I was breastfeeding and one time I made a mistake and got unexpectedly pregnant, I am expected to feel like a monster because the society tells me too! How bloody unfair. If someone drives fast (knowing the speed limits) and crashes, society won't make that person feel as bad as they make mothers feel.

We are all silently suffering and there is no reason too! I would tell you to wake up every morning and tell yourself that you are doing an amazing job raising three humans. You are a person who has its limits and it is okay. It is okay that you had an accidental pregnancy and it is okay that you didn't carry on. You will honor that choice by giving your 100% to your existing children. You have to be healthy and happy for your earthly kids.

I hope it helps.

Lots of positive energy your ways.

I think it comes down to your reasonings for terminating. I too aborted not long ago, the guilt is awful, I’m sad about it. My pregnancy was unplanned and a surprise. I couldn’t mentally endure what it was doing to me and physically I became really ill. In addition to that I had my work cut out with the children I already have. Putting all this together I know even if I wanted to I just couldn’t have a baby in the near future. Maybe when my children are a bit older and not so dependent on me I could try again but not any time soon.

Reflect on your reasons, if you fell pregnant next week would you continue or consider termination again? That’s what you have to ask yourself.

I have read a lot about replacing terminated pregnancies with new ones to heal the guilt. It works for some but not all as everybody has an individual situation x

@Kau932 beautifully said

Hi Kirsty
how ru now?.. do you think you would try for another pregnancy.. can totally relate to everything you’ve said ..

@LemonInaMug can you link to what you read about replacing terminated pregnancies by getting pregnant again? I would like to read this too. Thanks.

@Toffeegal755 hi, to be honest I’m pretty much still in the same mind frame. I have good days and bad days and I’m still pretty confused as to whether I really want another child or I want another to make up for what I’ve done. The best thing I can think to do right now is work on myself and get my mental health back on track before making any big decisions and I just hope then that everything may seem clearer and I can be happy with whichever choice I make xx

I am having my appointment later in the morning. I'm so happy I read this and I thank you so much for sharing... ❤

I am five years on from my termination (terminated at 14 weeks because my husband didn't want it). I still suffer so much from the regret and grief. I try to remind myself of the reasons I did it - I didn't want to force my husband into fathering a child he didn't want etc etc. I was worried about the strain on our family. I wanted to keep the baby but couldn't without him entirely on board. We were fighting so much about the pregnancy that I decided I would rather be a single mother to two children than three as I was prepared to leave him. We are still together. But it is so hard. I thought I would be over it by now and I am not. I think about it almost every day. I think I have PTSD and haven't been able to be happy really since. Thank you for the comforting posts above.

@mrsgumpy sorry to hear you are still grieving 5 years later, I am 15 months post abortion and still feeling the same too. I hope this is ok to ask but do you ever think of having another? Or if you feel it’s too late now, do you ever wonder if having another would have made you feel better now? I’m sorry if that’s come across insensitive but I’m struggling with understanding my feelings of wanting another child, if it’s because I really want another or if I’m trying to right a wrong. I wonder if it’s something that will help heal me or if it’s just wishful thinking. I don’t want to look back in years to come with anymore regret

@Kirsty12341 swnding all my love. It’s been 6 weeks almost since mine and everyday it weighs heavy on my soul. I want a baby more than I’ve ever realised. I made the worst decision of my life, I go life with no regrets and try to be a good human. But failed myself, however since then I’ve been healing ❤️‍🩹 and I’m trying to allow my emotions and know that im not alone in any of this, many women have been in this horrific situation where we had made a decision based on fear.
you’re not alone snd if I can help in anyway please know I’m here to talk x

I have no idea how to get over the guilt. I too would like to turn back time and try harder, push for more support. Partly my decision was based on having HG and how sick I was. I had older children to look after and I couldn’t face it after 2 weeks of hell and already being admitted into hospital a few times for dehydration. I really want another baby but not another pregnancy and I’m so sad I couldn’t go through with it. The guilt is killing me

My heart goes out to everyone on here. I rushed into a termination in february- married, one child, not planned but not entirely unplanned either and just paniced and didnt speak to anyone but my husband. I even told the provider that i tend to regret my decisions and would need counselling after and neither me nor they clicked that maybe i should at least talk it through beforehand! So my experience is that i then rushed into getting pregnant again to try and right a wrong and its not a good idea- ive now got the double guilt of terminating and now pregnant not knowing if i actually want this child and worrying whether if something is wrong with this one whether the other one would have been ok. i would say as hard as it is process the termination feelings first and grieve- allow yourself to grieve and then think about another pregnancy as a new thing not to right a wrong- i am learning the hard way two wrongs dont feel like they make a right! The other thing is that reading more and more what we are going for is that the services are failing us. Its almost like we are an inconvenient truth and that we arent heard because as a nation we are (rightly) wanting to protect women's rights to an abortion. But for some of us we had prenatal anexity and this should be recognised and picked up by the clinics even if its just ensuring we have a counselling session before making the decision to ensure its not just irrational fear driving us and to prepare us for the aftermath. Afterwards my service eventually offered me 4 counselling sessions, but this was several weeks later and those first few weeks i felt abandoned in my pain. So i think we have the right to actually direct some of our guilt and self-anger at services. I am a public health researcher and actually hope in time to try and do some research on the topic to get services to better recognise this issue because otherwise there will be even more of us suffering and not prepared for the fall out (appreciating many people get on with their lives but some of us dont and its a traumatic experience) sending everyone love- the club we never thought we would be in x

@Saskia2023 i told them all multiple times I didn’t want a termination but I couldn’t cope with the sickness anymore. It is off the scales. It should now I can think clearly trigger a referral to a HG specialist but it doesn’t. It’s so sad that HG women end up terminating wanting pregnancy due to the condition

I didn’t realise how much grief abortion caused until I went through it myself. I had known friends that had abortions and they would continue as normal. I assumed if it was my decision I would get over it.

it has been 5 years since mine and it took almost a year before I forgave myself. The fried was so bad that I ended up loosing my job due to taking so much time off and I couldn’t be around other babies and pregnant women.

Just sharing my experience but it takes time. I did lots of journaling and drawings and crying and feeling miserable. But when I focused on my career (I managed to get a new job) I almost made a pact with myself and the lost child that my energy is going into something else and into bettering my life. I also focused on my exisiting child. I agree with many here, there needs to be ALOT more emotional support post abortion from our healthcare system.

I had an abortion on 27/10/17, so nearly 6 years ago now. It still hurts that I went through something so painful and I still sit here some days wondering who my child would have been.

I do live a generally normal life now, but it’s definitely left its mark on me. I’ll never be the person I was before I had the abortion, because I’ve suffered with anxiety ever since.

In some ways I do like who I am now because I have zero tolerance for any bullshit from people. I’m wiser and more cynical than I’ve ever been. And my patience is really low. My standards have shot up. It’s probably a defence mechanism and a way to really look out for myself and the people I love as I continue my life. This probably happens as we age anyway as we become more thick skinned, but I think 27 year old me 6 years ago had a head start. I’m not the laid back, “bubbly” person I used to me and I’m totally fine with that that.

Since I had the abortion, I had my dd. She’s nearly 5 now ❤️.

How are you doing now OP? x

it’s been a tough decision for me. I’m 2 days post procedure and I’m having a hard time coping up. I hope it gets better in time. But right now I know someone who I can share this with and would understand.

you are so fresh out of it- it really can feel like a grief. message us on here any time as its something no one talks about and is so isolating. those first few weeks are the hardest like with any grief and no one quite prepares for you. it does not mean you made the wrong decision but its still ok to grieve the what may have been and some of it is due to the hormones leaving your body.

Hi I'm so sorry you are going through this . I had an abortion 2 weeks ago. The emotional pain is unbearable and the only thing getting me through it is I keep saying I had my reasons for doing it at the time . I done the best I could. People keep telling me if I was ment to keep the baby I would have and ile say the same to you . Maybe there is a reason we had abortions ? Maybe in time we will learn from it . I also work with a Counsellor who told me the baby knew it was never going to come earthside and came
to give deep healing. This is the only thing keeping me alive. Sending you love and hugs xxx