Visitors after birth, and needing 'help' from family

[taylorgrace]

I’m due in June and myself and my partner have recently had a conversation about visitors and help. I’m really adamant that providing everything goes well, I’d like even just 1-2 days to ourselves with the baby before having visitors

My partner is also adamant that we’re going to need help. This is our first baby so I’m sure we will need help at some point, but I’m really keen to try and do things myself/ourselves first and to lean on help if/when it is required. He feels differently - and is really pushing the narrative that we will need help especially considering I haven’t had experience with babies before.

For me, I don’t want to have to plan around not only bringing home the baby but having guests. If I do need help, it would need to be my parents and their dogs staying with us, which I’m not keen on at the moment. I know I won’t need to ‘entertain’ guests but I really just want some time to bond with the baby ourselves first.

I’ve said until we’re having the baby and we know what the situation is going to be like in terms of birth, recovery, and what we need help with, I really don’t want to make a decision. I just feel like he is adamant that we need the help and I would so much rather have those ‘firsts’ ourselves to see what I struggle with and whether I do need the help.

I’m happy to have visitors depending on how I/baby feels - he is adamant his family is coming in the first week. When I try and reiterate my point, he says it isn’t about me ultimately and is about what the baby needs. He’s right that baby comes first but I don’t think the baby needs help from our families until we know that’s the case.

Am I being selfish/not thinking right? If not, how can I rephrase to help him understand my POV?

I'm not sure how to rephrase it but I get where you're coming from and I absolutely felt the same. First time round we didn't really know what we were getting ourselves into, second time we did and I was much firmer on visitors.

I'd highlight to your partner that whilst he can't give birth he can support you and your feelings - it's you who will be recovering from birth, and you who will dealing with all of the physical and emotional impact of that, so yes, your thoughts do count for a bit more as it can be brutal, and even a super smooth birth is tough going.

Have you thought about how you're planning on feeding? If you're aiming to breastfeed it's great but the first few days and weeks can be particularly tough, and having well meaning family round can make that tougher, unless you have a particularly good relationship. I think during the early COVID lockdowns they found breastfeeding rates increased because new mums were focusing just on the baby and feeding rather than visitors and feeling uncomfortable feeding etc.

What I would have appreciated is help with anything apart from the baby - washing, cooking, cleaning etc. Your partner should really be acting as a gatekeeper and listening to you and what you're comfortable with, which you won't know until you get there.