Planned pregnancy with 3rd baby, I am considering an abortion

[Zee1345]

Hi all,so I feel terrible for even thinking like this or posting this but I really need some advice and to talk to someone before thinking about making a decision and just want other people's perspectives.

I am pregnant with my 3rd baby, I paid for a private scan yesterday as I have been having doubts for a couple of weeks and thought having a scan and seeing the baby and the heartbeat I would feel differently and my doubts and feelings would disappear and all would be OK, I was dated yesterday at the scan at 6 weeks 4 days and I got to see the baby's heart beat on the screen, I felt happy in the moment but I didn't feel like I did with my previous 2 children

I already have a daughter who is 7 and will be 8 years old in September and a boy who is 5 who will be 6 in July, so my first 2 were born 22 months apart and are so close.

For years me and my husband have been talking about a third and final baby, my husband has said for years we have a girl and a boy we are complete no more,then a few months ago we talked again and he said we can try for 1 more, I fell pregnant in the first month which was a complete shock as our other 2 children took a while to conceive.

My initial feeling was very happy and then soon after I was getting doubts, I just keep thinking I have a boy and ,why am I doing this again, I'm going to ruin the rest of their childHood they have left by bringing another baby now and I should enjoy my first 2 children whilst i still can whilst they are still little.

We are financially comftorable but I keep getting concerned about splitting my time between 3 instead of 2 and worried my older 2 won't get as much opportunities in life as even if you are comfortable it is still sharing it between 3 children instead of 2 so obviously 2 children are better off.

I really don't know what to do, I am so confused and I go through stages thinking I can do this and most of the time I feel I can't have this baby and its better for all of us, I keep trying to convince myself I am thinking rationally by thinking about my 2 children that are already here and their future than thinking about a baby that hasn't even been born yet, I keep telling myself I'm not a terrible mum and person for thinking About an abortion and thinking about the 2 kids I already have.

I know its cruel as I saw my baby yesterday with heartbeat as I planned this and feel absolutely awful and ungrateful and selfish for feeling this way but I can't help but having these feelings and it doesn't feel fair on myself,the children I already have and the baby inside me having this baby if I feel this way I keep telling myself it's done now just let it be and my feelings will change with time but I'm scared if I continue with this pregnancy I will end up regretting the baby and having a 3rd and I rather regret an abortion than regretting a child.

I don't know why but my head is telling me I shouldn't have this baby and the rational and sensible part of me is saying you need to look after the 2 you already have , I don't know what's different but this time it doesn't feel "right" like it did with my other 2 children.

Will it be selfish and cruel if I decide to have an abortion? Am I selfish and cruel? I am just thankful if I can talk to someone and I get some advice

hi OP
I didn’t want to read and run. I think it’s really normal to have doubts after finding out you’re pregnant even when it is a planned pregnancy. I had a termination last year, different circs to you so I can’t really help with that aspect. There are lots of other threads on mumsnet of women who have felt similar to you though and very confused as to why they feel like this when they planned being pregnant. You are still early, so you have time to decide, I would definitely take that time to really weigh everything up and consider how you feel. What does your DH say?

Thank you for your reply,

I will have a look at some other threads.

My husband isn't very supportive, I've told him how I am feeling and he just keeps saying it's too late and it's done now and we planned it so I have to continue on with it now because it would be wrong to terminate after purposely letting it happen.

I just have to be honest and say I don't feel I 100% thought about it properly, since starting with very had morning sickness 2 weeks ago all I can suddenly see is the negatives, my husband is hardly ever home,he doesn't help with the 2 children we already have and does no house work and doesn't help out with anything around the house. When I went out for my early scan yesterday I left my husband to feed the children lunch and when I was going out the door he couldn't handle them and they were both crying and I just keep thinking what am I doing.
He doesn't even help with school pick up and drop offs and the past couple of weeks with me suffering with very bad morning sickness has proved he never will as he just keeps saying I'm busy with work and I have to try and not be sick on the school runs, my husband is his own boss and owns his own company and is more "managing" things now as he owns a building company so he's able to help with all this but doesn't care.
I honestly don't know if it's the hormones,if my feelings will change as my pregnancy progresses but its easy for my husband to say " it's too late now and wrong" when he isn't the one who is actually going to look after the baby.

I feel awful and it's the kids half term and I just feel absolutely awful,can't eat or even keep down water or juice, I can't do anything with the kids and can't cook proper meals at the moment and my husband won't do anything like cooking taking the kids out etc either. It just makes Me think this will be life now for the next 3 or 4 years with not feeling well from pregnancy and then the newborn stage and toddler stage and it will be hard to get out anywhere. I just really don't know what to feel.

That sounds so difficult especially as your husband isn’t being supportive. It could be your hormones, I’ve read other threads of women who have really panicked and get horrendous and wanted to abort because of sickness or feeling overwhelmed (or both). No one can tell you what to do, it’s a really hard decision to make. You have to consider your own feelings here, and like you say if you continue the pregnancy you then need to parent the child with a husband who doesn’t sound helpful so it could be all on you. You won’t be the first person to plan a pregnancy but decide to have an abortion, if that’s what you decide to do x

Hi. I’m sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I am in a very similar same boat! Your message brought me relief.
I have two children, similar age. Potentially due in October, eldest will be 8 in Aug and second 5 in May. Both are great friends, which has taken time and effort, they are happy and settled in school. We are extending our house and I’m in a course towards new qualification. I’m worried a 3rd child won’t allow me time to focus on these things. We are happy as we are. I also had bad PND with both babies which scares me.
Mine wasn’t planned but also wasn’t prevented. I’m also 41 which is making me feel unsure.

I would suggest writing down your thoughts and pros and cons for a 3rd. Forget current day situation and think how you will feel once baby arrives, what bits did you love about having babies and how are your children around other small children? Also, think of the bad bits, what could you change or prevent this time around? Childcare options, if you can afford that. Create structure so you can manage better and get some time for yourself and with your eldest two children. If that’s doable, and your heart tells you to go for it, you’ll be great! If you decide you are happy as you are, and don’t want to go ahead, it’s your body, and your decision so be strong and do what will work best for you. x

You’re not a terrible person, and you’re allowed to change your mind. What you want matters, and if you don’t want to continue the pregnancy you don’t have to.

I know this thread is a couple of weeks old but I stumbled across it and thought I would share my fairly recent experience in case it helps.

I had a termination in December following a planned pregnancy. We have one DS who would have been 6 at my due date. I started feeling broody a couple of years ago, it took a few months of convincing my husband to try for another then we started trying on and off for around 14 months until I got pregnant. I have had various back issues over that time hence the sporadic nature of trying. I’m also nearly 41.

Before we started trying I had written a big list of pros and cons. The cons probably did outweigh the pros (age, back problems, going back to the baby days of sleepless nights, routine etc) but I pressed on regardless as felt so desperate for another baby. I would be in tears each month my period came. When I tested positive you would have thought I would have been ecstatic but I knew pretty much straight away it wasn’t what i wanted deep down. As awful as it sounds, it’s like I needed to get pregnant to really know what I wanted.

I mulled things over for 4 weeks before deciding on a termination. It is the hardest thing I have done and I am worried my life won’t be the same ever again, but at the same time I don’t regret it. I feel guilt and shame as nobody other than DH knows about it and I’m worried it has changed our relationship (he was supportive either way but very frustrated that I pushed to conceive then didn’t want to go ahead with the pregnancy). I was so worried about something going wrong at my age - stillbirth, disability etc - that I took what I felt was the least risky option. I hope in time I can forgive myself for what I’ve put me and my husband through and I’m starting counselling next week. I hate that this has happened and wish I could go back to not getting pregnant but then part of me thinks I could be feeling just as upset now and still wishing for another child.

It really is a mess but just wanted to reach out to let you know you’re not alone.

The fact that you and your partner made a conscious decision to try for the baby tells me it was wanted, I think you could be in shock as it happened a lot quicker than you thought. Maybe you haven’t had time to fully let it sink in, take some time before you make your final decision because it can’t be reversed once you go ahead with the abortion. I hope you come to a peaceful decision and I wish you the best x

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Yes I think because my morning sickness has started so early and been so bad this time around ( this time it started for me at 4 weeks the last 2 times where 6 weeks) I have been feeling so awful for weeks now and been feeling so down, I think it has a massive part to play in how I'm feeling that and my hormones being up and down, it was and still is making me feel so guilty like I can't be there for my kids and that's what life will be like after the baby comes. I've spoke to my husband alot and he kept telling me and still does keep telling me it's because I feel so unwell and once this passes which won't be long now I will feel different about everything and he basically told me if I did decide to go ahead with the termination I would probably end up regretting it and it would be a decision I couldn't take back, that being said he did say he would support me in what I chose so I had the consultation for the termination and told her I wasn't sure, she gave me all the information but I felt that too wasn't the right decision after a lot of talking with my husband I have decided to continue and go ahead with my pregnancy. I'm currently at 8 and a half weeks, I still feel awful, I have days where I feel sad and I get the same thoughts then I get days of being excited about having a new baby and telling myself I should be enjoying this as its my last baby now. I spoke to the doctor on Friday, as I had my first booking appointment with the midwife on Friday and they couldn't get any blood out from me for my blood test due to me being dehydrated, I've spoke to the doctor who has prescribed me anti sickness tablets now to help with the nausea and vomiting and I'm hoping that will make me feel so much better and makes me see things more clearly.

I had very bad morning sickness with my first baby but this time it just seems even worse than that, so I do think that has been having a massive effect on me mentally and physically, so I am choosing to go ahead with the pregnancy because I don't want to regret it after this morning sickness passes and I think what have I done when my feelings probably have a lot to do with feeling so unwell x

@Zee1345 Sounds like a great plan in regards to the anti sickness medication. The sooner you find something that works for you the better, don’t be afraid to try something new if your current medication isn’t doing it, it’s trial and error with these things sometimes.

With one of my planned and very much wanted pregnancies I suffered with such bad sickness that I contemplated ending it too, so no judgement, I sympathise with any woman ensuring pregnancy related sickness. It’s one of the more isolating experiences you can go through.

I’m happy to hear you have great support in your partner, it makes all the difference when your other half is on the same page. Pregnancy is such a challenging time for a lot of us and some days it’s so hard to see past the fog but keep the end goal in mind.

sending lots of love x

Hi indecisive.. how are you feeling now
i was in a similar situation about a year ago but was 46 and so worried about still birth and other problems .. it’s one of the toughest decisions to ever have to go through.. but also think it took that to realise I couldn’t go through it again!!

Hello, I’m after some hardcore advice as I have no idea what to do. I have two children 7 and 9 (boy and girl) and for a few years on and off been toying with another child. Just found out today that I’m very early pregnant, which wasn’t planned- I sobbed!

we are financially fine, lovely house and car however a third child things will have to change, with that age gap too.

I have never had an abortion before and after googling as I’m so early I think it will be a tablet but dont want to regret it.

my life is back to normal, the kids literally look after themselves and when/if the baby arrived I’ll have an 8 and 9 1/2 year old. I don’t want to hold these two back,

help! Has anyone been though it with no regrets?

@RecycledKettle thank you for replying.

I think my main worry is money, but loads of people have more than two children. It’s another person to pay for to go on holidays and to feed. I don’t know if I’m thinking to much about it but it worries me that We’l have to completely change our lives.

yesterday I booked an appointment at the hospital to abort, however I think I’ll be 10 weeks which means it will be a more invasive process, then in the afternoon a booked a harmony test to make sure the baby was healthy- my friend who was only 35 when she had her little girl had a lot of problems with baby and she’s still two years old like a baby, it’s so sad and I worry that may happen to us.

my husband keeps saying whatever I want to do I’ll support but I am like a yo-yo!

when I rang the hospital yesterday morning I couldn’t actually say the word ‘abortion’ I said can you help me get rid of it- why would that be? Because I don’t want to deep down?

such a massive huge decision, I’m so cross with myself it’s happened and I’m in this situation 😢

@Zee1345

Just read your post and I could have written it myself. Could you share what decision you made?

Hi! I decided to keep my baby. I am now 31 weeks pregnant and I'm having a baby girl! I Can say my feelings have changed and as my pregnancy progressed I started to bond with the baby especially once I found out what I was having, after my very bad sickness and symptoms eased off at about 20 weeks I started to bond and now I'm glad I didn't have an abortion and am so excited for the baby to arrive. I still have times where I get anxious and scared but overall I'm glad now with the decision I've made and I'm looking forward to baby arriving. I hope that helps a little bit ( I know not really as positive stories didn't really help me at the time!) at the time I really didn't expect my feelings to change and couldn't see it happening and was so sure I didn't want to go ahead but now I'm so glad I chose to go ahead. How far along are you? X

@Zee1345

Thank you so much, this really helps. I'm about 8 weeks now. I think I'm worried as my two are still young, I will have 3 under 4 so im worrying massively how hard it will be.

Did you manage to make a decision? I think it's hard what ever age your older children are, but even more so with really little ones. Even though it will be hard you would get through it.
I hope you are okay and have managed to make a decision xx

@Zee1345 yes I have continued with the pregnancy. I'm very nervous about how I will feel but I'm really hoping things will just fit into place.

@Unicorn25 glad you made a decision! I felt like that at the time, even a couple of weeks ago I was thinking to myself and couldn't believe how different I feel now compared to when I was in your place back in February! It doesn't help with all the hormones and sickness too. My mum and husband told me at the time I would feel different closer to when baby was born and everything would work itself out but I just couldn't see how at the time but I honestly do now . I'm sure everything will fall into place for you too! Good luck with everything!

@Zee1345 @Unicorn25 - I’m so glad I have found this thread. I just found out in pregnant (about 5 weeks) with my third child.

it was similar to your situation - partially planned because the husband was keen for another but I really didn’t think it would happen in month 1 of trying as our other babies took such a long time. My two children are 5 and 1. both were born by section.

I feel nothing other than panic and anxiety- I wish I felt happy. I don’t know if I really want another baby and I’m also terrified of a third section because I believe the risks increase each time and my second one was already pretty tough with a heavy bleed and infection after the fact.

I’ve been googling how to get an abortion without my husband knowing. And then I feel sick at myself that I’m even thinking about that. Your experience that you have shared has given me a little bit of comfort.

Hi @HappyHolidays22 ,
I know how you feel because even though we were trying I was shocked when it happened quickly too, I think even if your trying it's always a shock when you find out because before it happens you are just talking about it and when it does happen it's all of a sudden like this is happening and I'm going to have a baby soon.

Is your husband supportive and can you maybe speak to him about how your feeling? Or maybe even someone your close with? Before I spoke to my husband about how I was feeling I also confided in my mum and sometimes just telling someone how you feel and getting their perspective of it really helps and makes you see things a bit differently. I hope everything works out for you!

@HappyHolidays22 so sorry you are feeling very similar. I was doing the exactly the same and even went to my gp to discuss my options but deep down I knew I couldn't go through with it.

I agree with @Zee1345 talking with your husband is the best thing to do. Tell him how you feel. My feelings have definitely improved but I do still have days of doubt, I will be having my second section (my first was a section and second was a VBAC) but I have a uterus prolapse so I totally get the anxiety as I'm terrified mine will be worse.

Hope you are feeling a little better than before x

@Zee1345 and @Unicorn25 - thank you for your replies! I have spoken to my husband - he understands but he is also so much more laid back and is nothing other than excited, saying we will make it work. It’s nice to have his point of view balance out my own… but somehow it doesn’t ease my unease for long.

I spoke with my dad too this weekend. I feel like he gets it; I didn’t even need to explain my worries before he said them for me. I hope that I can provide the same comfort to my (three?! Omg) children when they need it in future. I’m still unsettled … but my worries are morphing… now I’m worried about what on earth work will think! I’ve only been back 3 months from my last Mat leave ! Sending love to you all and hope you are well xxx

@Zee1345 Hi. I find myself in exact same predicament now as you were on last year. I feel so torn and so annoyed that I let this happen. Can you give us any insight in to how it has been since baby arrived? And how you feel about it all now. Thanks x

Hi @Nell23 just noticed your message on this thread. How have you got on now? I hope you’re feeling more settled? I know I wasn’t either of the original posters Zee or Unicorn… but I can tell you I’m now 32 weeks pregnant and I am so relieved I decided to keep the baby and let things happen. I hope you have found some peace with whatever you decided to do xxx