Upcoming termination

[mamaGR]

Good morning,

I politely ask please no judgement or hate. I’m an emotional mess at the moment and not sure I could take it well!

I’m not quite sure of why i’m expecting of this post. I’m so heartbroken I think I just need a safe space to vent and ask if anyone else has gone through similar.

Im 36, newly married and mum to DD age 8 from previous marriage and DS age 3 with my now husband.

He’s always expressed how he doesn’t want a third child whereas i’ve always been on the fence and was happy and grateful of the fact we have one of each and we would carry on with life. If one day he said he wanted a third I would jump at the chance.

Ironically we have been looking at private a vasectomy for him and had recently got dates etc back from the clinic.

I was feeling unwell the last 2 weeks and took a pregnancy test. Positive. This sounds naive because I am not on contraception but we’ve always successfully used an ovulation tracker. So i’m in utter shock that I am now approx 5 weeks pregnant.

He is very clear he does not want this pregnancy. Most of his reasons I can agree with. Ranging from the sleepless night and having to move (we are in a small 3 bed rental) to our plans to move to abroad in 3 years. His very words were “it will ruin our lives”.

Im always of the opinion that people adapt. A child is a blessing and she would be very much loved and adored.

Deep in my gut I know he is probably right. We have big plans and our lives are starting to get some routine back into it now our son is starting to sleep through and has regular childminder days. But my heart is breaking so bad. I don’t think termination is ever going to be a breeze for anyone.

I had one when I was 17 and my mum pressured me into having it. I look back now and realise it was right because I was so young but it took me about 5 years to move on from it and stop having nightmares. I’m so worried this will happen again. I’m so worried about the after affect and if I will resent my husband.

I feel like my marriage is doomed regardless. He said he won’t ever force me to have a termination (I mean, no one can do that anyway!) but I know if I went ahead he would resent me. Then similarly I feel like what if I resent him after this termination. I know i’m going to be so sad.

I can’t stop crying constantly. I’m just waiting to get my appointment through and then after that I believe they send the tablet in the post.

We are a very strong and close couple, we have very big plans and goals and want the best for our children and are working hard to make our dreams a reality. There is no denying this pregnancy is a huge spanner in the works. I’m hoping someone will be able to relate and reassure me that although it’s the right thing to do, time will heal and my marriage can survive this.

xx

How incredibly sad to read this message. My heart is breaking for you! It’s a very difficult situation. I honestly don’t know what advice to give except just try to have a really loving, caring, calm conversation with your husband and try to make a decision together that you’re both happy with. Sometimes talking it through in a non defensive way helps to see the positive. I hope it all turns out ok for you and your family xxx

Hello,

I don’t know if my reply is coming in too late but still felt the need to share my experience.

First of all you seem quite genuine and really understanding about your husband’s decisions, which is only right of you as it’s his baby too.
I’m not a therapist neither am I perfect to give anyone advise, but I am replying to this post as I’ve had an abortion in marriage and before marriage. Both were not easy decisions. I mean it’s been 9+ years since I terminated TWINS and I sometimes feel like I can hear them crying from afar or like I’ve left them in another planet or country. (Only recently forgiven myself)

I promised never again. 5 years on and with two kids (different guy) here I was in my marriage having yet again another abortion. Why was I having an abortion you’d ask. My husband wasn’t ready for the sleepless nights, cost of raising, moving homes and all the exhausting pressure of having a baby.
The worse feeling is feeling like your being selfish or not considering your husband/partner’s choice on it etc.

To cut the long story short, my husband later regretted us having the abortion and spoke about not deeply thinking about it as he’s in a much better place financially. I’ve brought up the abortion and he immediately shuts the conversation down. He does want us to try again but of course I’m not mentally ready. I’m positive if I kept the baby he would be miserable and we would’ve had some serious issues as the pregnancy hormones is enough to deal with! I would have to do the work until he comes around, because they eventually do. It’s heart breaking to think just because of a temporary situation we made a permanent decision that scars you physically, mentally and spiritually.

I’m not sure if sharing my story helps.
I would say if you feel like you would regret it especially considering your husband’s vasectomy being another permanent decision then don’t. The mental scarring is much worse then the physical.
I would also say it doesn’t seem like a coincidence to be pregnant before your husbands treatment. It looks like a blessing, as children are truly blessings.
If you believe in God and prayers simply pray about it. If this message is a little late I would still pray for healing as you don’t want it to effect your marriage.

I really wish you the best and I hope everything works out well for you and your family. Take care.