Unplanned at 40

[Tylomum]

There's a back story...

At 29 I had my unplanned daughter who I adore, I then had secondary infertility and had ivf for 3 years and told my egg quality was awful and to stop and try adoption.

My 17 Yr relationship broke down, met someone else, fell pregnant with 2nd unplanned daughter who I adore. She is now 2.

I'm just getting life back on track, I'm settled, my eldest is sensitive and took the break up and babies on both sides hard but it a wonderful big sister. My 2 year old is wild but easy.

Im 4 weeks pregnant. Every single practical thought says this is bad, stupid crazy. My life would be on hold again, I'm 40 this year the risks are massively higher, my daughters wouldn't cope, my partner wouldn't cope....im overwhelmed half the time....I wouldnt cope. I rely heavily on my mum for help...would she cope, she a young 63.

It all just makes sense that I should terminate.

I am absolutely terrified I will regret this...only 5-10% of 40 year old CAN get pregnant and someone with my history getting pregnant is unheard of anyway....but I have 2 already, I never felt I was done with more kids until about 6 months ago. Is the universe telling me something. Even though we're just getting by do we just make do, it will work out.

Will my mental health, already being anxious and a chronic overthinker be able to live with termination.

Please help, any advise, stories.....

If you are worried you might regret it I think you know you probably will
I panicked at my unplanned pregnancy recently not far off 40 and with fertility issues and stuff and absolutely the wrong time
I was seriously considering medical abortion but also I had found out late and had been drinking and everything bad you can imagine before I knew
I ended up losing the pregnancy with a miscarriage- wasn’t til this happened that I knew I’d have really wanted it
I know this is not helpful advice and I don’t mean to be so
useless at this but if you already think you’ll regret it it might be your subconscious telling you you will definitely regret it
you still have time to think though and it would obviously have significant implications for your life etc but personally it sounds like you probably want to continue with the pregnancy or at least see how things go

Thanks @ohnoh, yeah think I agree

I think the thing is, I would want it, but it heavily impacts everyone around me so much that it would be detrimental. My eldest, 10, is already panicking her dad is going to have more and sees me as her constant. It could also drive a wedge between her and my partner as they're not "best friends" as it is. My partner works long hours with his family business and is worried about giving time and support. And I don't want to put any more pressure on my mum as she helps alot. Everything as it is just now is just good even though hard enough. Do I want to make it harder.

Or is that just the whole point of being a mum, sacrifice for your kids (I mean the ones I already have) and my relationships

I was very worried about the impact of my recent pregnancy on my teen DS who also isn’t on the best terms with my partner (nor am I most of the time!) but I think he’d have come round eventually
if your youngest is 2 the gap might be beneficial in the longer run eg playing together etc
i know what you mean about how it would make life tough though
I think it sounds like you’d regret it but are worried about the consequences of carrying on
I was terrified about my recent pregnancy
I think I needed a while to process it and let it sink in before I did anything at all either way
Has your partner expressed a view?

...only 5-10% of 40 year old CAN get pregnant

Sorry, but I'm not sure that's correct - I think the risk/chance per cycle is 5 - 10 % by 40.

People often misunderstood those stats.

I'm not sure if that would have any bearing on your decision now/your future.

Certainly risks of abnormalities are getting higher but the most common syndrome is still 1 in 100 at 40 I think, figures get much worse towards 45 and beyond.

*my eldest is sensitive and took the break up and babies on both sides hard but it a wonderful big sister

My eldest, 10, is already panicking her dad is going to have more and sees me as her constant. It could also drive a wedge between her and my partner as they're not "best friends" as it is.*

Your 10 yr old has had a lot of change in her young life. And it sounds like she doesn't get on particularly well with your partner. I kinda feel for her ... With a through going two yr old already in the scene, it seems like an awful lot to bring another baby into the mix.

That's just my impression, of course - I could be wrong.

*on the scene

Good point about the %
OP I’m sorry if I was partly replying because of my own recent feelings
You should do what is right for you and your family
I came across this tiktok today referring to a study that shows regret is actually very uncommon
I’ll try to post the link sorry I haven’t done this in ages

Hi @Tylomum sorry you've found yourself in this situation with a hard decision to make.

It's so personal & no one can decide for you but I found myself in the same situation, pregnant just before 40 with 2 children already & I also felt done.

I absolutely hear you with the whole 'is the universe trying to tell me something' & was it somehow meant to be. However when we discussed it, looked at reasons to continue or abort but most of all my gut feeling we decided it wasn't right for us to have a 3rd baby. It wasn't an easy decision but I knew deep down it was the right one, I just couldn't see myself with a newborn 8 months down the line. We knew how much it would change our family dynamic, affect my income & fundamentally put us back in a place we thought we were finished with.

My initial reaction when I saw the positive test was 'oh shit' which I think told me what I needed to know!

I had the abortion & it was fine, over quickly & although I felt guilty, sad & a million emotions in between I knew it was right. It's been nearly 6 months & I absolutely don't regret it.

You have some time to make a decision so don't rush into anything, you can even book an appointment with bpas or MSI & just see how you feel - no one will make you take the pills if you don't want to.

Someone advised me to make a list of reasons to keep or abort & then you can always go back to it if you feel you're wobbling over your decision to remind you why you made that choice - whether it's to keep the baby or not.

It's a horrible situation to be in but here if I can help in any way 😊

Thank you so much 💗