Advice needed! Effects of new baby on toddler from first marriage

[mumtobbk]

Hello All and thank you for reading this post.

Please excuse my poor wording as I'm not the most articulate!

I'm desperate for some advice from anyone with similar experience. I'm 39 with one 4 year old boy. His father and I divorced at the end of the last year ( after covid) and are both with new partners. We have a great relationship- better than when we were together and he lives down the road. We share custody of my son equally.

My new partner and I have been friends since we were 15 and got together after my husband met his new partner.

It all moved quite fast as he was 39 and never been married or had kids and wanted to move on with his life, so we decided he would move in after a year. It was amazing... and he is so, so incredible with my son - plays with him non stop and is so, so patient with him. But then we would have a huge argument (never with my son around) and he would be horrible. When he argues or gets in a confrontational or threatened situation he can be really mean and hard to deal with. This happened like %10 of the time. The rest of the time he was like 'the dream partner' . So attentive. Thoughtful, loving and nurturing. Again always so amazing with my son and really wanted to do everything he could to take care of us both.

Now, I know this is very irresponsible but after he moved in we decided to try to get pregnant. We were both so excited and tried for 4 months. Again I think it all moved so quickly as we are both pushing 40 so we know it's probably our last chance.

Now I'm 6 weeks pregnant and freaking out.

The main thing I'm freaking out about is my son. He is very happy and balanced little boy with so much love from everyone. When we were trying for a baby I was thinking that it would be great for him to have a sibling and not be an only child as, even though we are playing with him all the time, I always feel that being an only child he might feel lonely sometimes.

But now I'm pregnant I'm thinking differently about it and so worried it will be really hard on him. The new baby will be with us all the time while my son will be with his daddy half the time. I don't want him to feel like he's the p.s child! Or just not as loved!!!

Does anyone else have a similar story? I would love any advice or thoughts as it's all I can think about. I'm so worried how this will effect him.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to read xx

I don’t have any advice or experience in this area, but I am struck by the fact that you lead with talking about horrible your partner can be that 10% of time. Does it ever, or do you think it has the potential to ever, get physical or escalate to more than what it is now. While you’ve known each other a long time, you’ve only known him in the partner sense for a very short time, and potentially abusive partners can be quite good at playing the ‘dream guy’ until they have you ‘locked in’ (ie, marriage, a child together). Perhaps this isn’t the case, but from your post I would see it as a potential red flag and given how quickly things moved (this can also be a warning sign if other warning signs are there), I’d have a think about if this is someone you really want you and your current child to be around for the long haul.

if this isn’t a concern, or if I’ve misread the situation, apologies!

Thank you so much for your reply Umm4ever,

No you are right to flag. He has never been physically violent and I know he never would. He comes from an abusive childhood himself and I know would never physically hurt us.

He has counselling twice a week and we go to couples therapy every now and then if we have an argument. He has come a long way since we first got together (how he behaves in an argument) but you are right in that I am concerned about the future with him.

I know that he would never be anything but caring / nurturing with my son and with his own child - he would be the most amazing father, but part of me knows that I know how much our arguments have affected me/ how impossible he can be to deal with in those situations. He is working really hard on it though and like I said has come a long way.

Tbh the month I got pregnant (I didn't know at the time that I was) but we had a big argument while on holiday, and suddenly, (maybe it was hormones) but suddenly something switched and I felt differently about him - I couldn't seem to move past his previous behaviour).

He's currently staying at his while I get my head together but I really don't know what to do. I'm already very attached to this little baby but I know I can't have it on my own.

I take full ownership of the situation and I know how irresponsible it was trying for a baby when I knew things weren't perfect.