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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Shock 3rd pregnancy

20 replies

nameschangehelp · 17/01/2023 15:08

Hi, I really need some advice. I found out two weeks ago that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, I'm breastfeeding and my periods haven't come back we haven't had any obvious 'accidents' so I really had no reason to think I would be despite feeling ill for most of December. I just thought I was anxious about going back to work and my youngest starting nursery.

I have a just turned 3 year old and a 14 month old. My husband has never wanted 3 children he's always been very clear about this. I am one of three so not as against it as he is although I would not have planned / chosen to be pregnant now.

I booked a consultation and scan with BPAS last week where I found out I was 11+ weeks even though I didn't see the scan I know what a baby that gestation looks like obviously.

I now have a termination booked next week for surgery under GA but I honestly don't think I can do it. I'm really struggling to separate this pregnancy from my existing children. My husband is distraught he thinks it will break us and I'm taking away so many opportunities for our existing children he's very much thinking practicalities and he's struggling to sympathise with the emotional aspect, to him it's not yet a baby.

Has anyone had 3 under 4 and is it doable? I feel I struggle with the two I have sometimes they're very high energy etc. has anyone been in a similar situation and their other half has come round once the baby is here? I feel like we won't regret a living child but I might always regret the termination. I'm just crying all the time and I feel like whatever I choose I'm going to feel so guilty on the impact.

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Howdidigethere23 · 17/01/2023 17:25

Hey, it's absolutely doable. I found 2 to 3 easier than 1 to 2 children, I have 3 boys and when they were younger it was crazy sometimes but looking back it was so much fun & the memories I have are amazing.
I had a MA last week and wasn't sure whether it was the right decision, my husband didn't want another baby and neither did I a few months ago but it's different when you find out i spose, regardless of what I felt I went ahead and had one ( I was only 5 weeks). Now it's sank in and I don't feel pregnant anymore I'm starting to regret my choice & almost resent my husband.
Please don't rush into it, talk to your husband but don't let him guilt you into doing it if deep down your not sure how you feel and what you want to do. X

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nameschangehelp · 17/01/2023 20:56

Howdidigethere23 · 17/01/2023 17:25

Hey, it's absolutely doable. I found 2 to 3 easier than 1 to 2 children, I have 3 boys and when they were younger it was crazy sometimes but looking back it was so much fun & the memories I have are amazing.
I had a MA last week and wasn't sure whether it was the right decision, my husband didn't want another baby and neither did I a few months ago but it's different when you find out i spose, regardless of what I felt I went ahead and had one ( I was only 5 weeks). Now it's sank in and I don't feel pregnant anymore I'm starting to regret my choice & almost resent my husband.
Please don't rush into it, talk to your husband but don't let him guilt you into doing it if deep down your not sure how you feel and what you want to do. X

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you feel some resentment that's my biggest fear. We've talked a lot tonight but he's so angry and disappointed and I do just feel so guilty for doing this to him. I just keep thinking that if I go ahead that resentment will be worse on our relationship than even those early days with a newborn when everything is hard x

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heartbroken22 · 18/01/2023 09:51

My friend had 3 under 4 and she manages. One was in nursery going into reception, 2nd was in nursery 2 days a week and then she had baby at home. I've got another that's got one in nursery and the other 2 at home. They're doing okay. It gets easy once baby is around 3 months.

Only go with an abortion if you want to do it not because of your husband. You'll hate him. With an abortion you'll just know if you want to have it done or not. But don't be forced by anyone.

I got pregnant with my 3rd and felt like how your husband was feeling I'm now nearly 16 weeks...I'm scared but happy...even hoping my baby is okay and healthy when before I hoped I had a miscarriage. I worried about giving time and money to my other kids, having to split rooms in hotels at Disneyland (not always true as places cater for families of 5), like I've worked past all that mentally.

You're the mother, you'll be carrying and growing baby. How do you feel? How do you think your children will feel? My 5 year old is excited my nearly 2 year old doesn't know what's going on. Speak to your husband and tell him you feel.

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nameschangehelp · 18/01/2023 12:49

heartbroken22 · 18/01/2023 09:51

My friend had 3 under 4 and she manages. One was in nursery going into reception, 2nd was in nursery 2 days a week and then she had baby at home. I've got another that's got one in nursery and the other 2 at home. They're doing okay. It gets easy once baby is around 3 months.

Only go with an abortion if you want to do it not because of your husband. You'll hate him. With an abortion you'll just know if you want to have it done or not. But don't be forced by anyone.

I got pregnant with my 3rd and felt like how your husband was feeling I'm now nearly 16 weeks...I'm scared but happy...even hoping my baby is okay and healthy when before I hoped I had a miscarriage. I worried about giving time and money to my other kids, having to split rooms in hotels at Disneyland (not always true as places cater for families of 5), like I've worked past all that mentally.

You're the mother, you'll be carrying and growing baby. How do you feel? How do you think your children will feel? My 5 year old is excited my nearly 2 year old doesn't know what's going on. Speak to your husband and tell him you feel.

Thank you, I completely understand those feelings. I know that if I go through with the termination my main reason will be because it's what my husband wants and I don't know how we would cope if I did then resent him.

My two boys clearly love each other and I think they would love another. I am one of three and would not trade my younger brother for better holidays etc so I'm hoping they will just adjust and we will be able to make enough time for them all to be happy and fulfilled.

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Howdidigethere23 · 18/01/2023 15:37

Hi, just checking up on how you are today? X

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nameschangehelp · 18/01/2023 16:13

Howdidigethere23 · 18/01/2023 15:37

Hi, just checking up on how you are today? X

Thank you. I'm still very emotional. I had a midwife appointment today to get booked in and try to get a scan in next two weeks so I can have the screening. I told my husband last night that I didn't think I could go through with the termination and he's very upset and anxious about the practicalities so I just feel massively guilty to be putting my family through this x

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Tcr1987 · 19/01/2023 07:28

I would try to remove the guilt you feel towards your husband. If anything he should be feeling guilty that you’re in this situation having to make an incredibly hard decision which has the potential to be life changing either way. He had a part to play in getting you pregnant after all!

My daughter was 21 months and my son nearly 4 when I decided to abort my third pregnancy last year. My partner was supportive either way and said the choice was mine but his preference was to abort because, mainly because of the impact on the children. I struggled a lot with the 2 year age gap (second was born during the pandemic so that didn’t help) and the guilt on my firstborn. I had to stop breastfeeding my son when I fell pregnant with his sister and I didn’t want to risk the same thing happening again. I’ve had such a hard time since the termination I now resent him even for his preference, but I know on the flip side the potential is there for me to be 6 months pregnant right now and resenting him for wanting to keep it.

Still not sure if it was the right choice or not to be honest. What I’d really have liked, as another poster has said is to have miscarried so I suppose that means I didn’t want the pregnancy to continue but also didn’t want the burden of having to make that decision myself.

It also feels like a really shitty end to my reproductive life. A sad ending rather than a happy one.

I think if you decide to terminate, how you feel after depends a lot on whether or not you can view the pregnancy as just that, a pregnancy. Or if you view it as a baby already.

Good luck whatever you decide.

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Marshmallow2023 · 19/01/2023 13:14

Hi,
I just wanted to respond as I’m currently in exactly the same situation and wanted to offer my support if you need anything.

Unexpected third pregnancy, partner is very sure he doesn’t want another child but I’m open to it (I am also one of three!) I went to my consultation for a termination and I’m nearly 12 weeks but don’t feel I can go through with it. Hoping by some miracle I’ll suddenly know what to do.

Hope you’re feeling better today about everything, I know how emotional I feel so I definitely sympathise.

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nameschangehelp · 19/01/2023 13:54

Marshmallow2023 · 19/01/2023 13:14

Hi,
I just wanted to respond as I’m currently in exactly the same situation and wanted to offer my support if you need anything.

Unexpected third pregnancy, partner is very sure he doesn’t want another child but I’m open to it (I am also one of three!) I went to my consultation for a termination and I’m nearly 12 weeks but don’t feel I can go through with it. Hoping by some miracle I’ll suddenly know what to do.

Hope you’re feeling better today about everything, I know how emotional I feel so I definitely sympathise.

So sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I'm still very emotional. I think I've decided now against the termination but I'm also terrified about having another baby and what it will mean for my husband and children so can't say that I'm sure it's the right choice x

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Marshmallow2023 · 20/01/2023 09:38

I think that’s what I’m struggling with at the moment - mainly the impact on my children who are happy and in a good routine. Hope you are feeling less worried today. x

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Tidd · 24/01/2023 21:00

Why would you intentionally bring another human being with a partner that is very adamant about not wanting another child??



If you want, you could have it, as it is your body, but I would get an outside job, a place for you and the children, and brace yourself for a divorce.


.brace yourself for a divorce, a neglected unloved child who will know and feel their dad didn't want them, possibly raising all children by yourself because he may just up and leave .


Who knows?? He may not truly have wanted any.


If you are a stay at home mother relying on his support financially, that is definitely unfair to him.


Another added expense, more physical and emotional strain on his body as he works untill sheer exhaustion to provide for the family. That's more stress and strain on him and the both of you.


More that you'll be doing by yourself. More arguments if he doesn't pull his share with the children because he simply too tired to do anything else and wants to relax when not working.


More stress and perhaps jealousy issues with the other kids. They may not want a new sibling and may not take kindly to the child and recieving less attention.

.more stress and strain financially. More stress and strain on you physically emotionally and mentally.


More for you to do.

Less breaks, more arguments, and a possible divorce or infidelity.


You can't expect him to be overjoyed and active in and with a child that he doesn't want to begin with.

Just because you may be happy about it, doesn't mean that he will, and you can't expect him to be.

Especially when he's telling you he doesn't want anymore.


Please take the time to let your body properly heal from each child.

Don't give into pressure to be intimate just because you are fearful of a husband leaving.

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Tcr1987 · 24/01/2023 22:00

Wow @Tidd, that was a lot wasn’t it. Some valid considerations there (which I’m sure the OP has already thought extensively about) and a lot of catastrophising.

Do you have experience of having 3 kids under 4 as the OP asked? Or have you been in a similar situation with an unplanned pregnancy? Do you have personal experience of terminating a pregnancy? Or did you just feel like chipping in?

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Howdidigethere23 · 24/01/2023 22:01

So because he might not be happy she has to make the right choice for him, so he's happy but she isnt? 🙄🙄🙄

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Thiswasnotpartoftheplan · 25/01/2023 12:15

Hi Op, I really feel for you. It’s a very difficult position to be in especially since you’re relatively far along.
regarding your concerns about managing… of course you will, plenty do, but it’s hard work. I also found the jump from 1-2 much harder than 2-3 but it depends on the baby, the ages and plenty of other things. But you will manage and you will all love this baby like your others.

I recently had an unplanned 4th pregnancy and terminated at just over 6 weeks. My husband wasn’t keen on a 4th and was clear about that but also said he’d support the decision I made. I did still feel like as I knew his preference, it wasn’t the same as him saying ‘let’s go for it’. If he’d said that then I’m sure I would have continued. So, there is still some resentment and the attachment. To me it was a 4 th child, with that potential. I’m still mentally tracking how pregnant I’d be and what it would look like. To him it was an inconvenience that he no longer thinks about.
So dont underestimate how hard it hits the woman.

My youngest is 5 however, and I personally didn’t want to go back into the baby stage although I could have coped with it as they’re all at school. I couldn’t face the sleepless nights and toddler groups as were through that now. I also considered the affect on my children. I’m already spread thinly, and another child with all the expense would mean less for the others. But, things do have a way of working out, and part of me has regrets, some parts don’t.
Its still confusing. The only thing I am sure about it I wish I’d never been out in that situation as I’m sure you also feel.
I hope you make a decision that you can come to terms with.
sending hugs!

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Lili132 · 25/01/2023 12:20

Tidd · 24/01/2023 21:00

Why would you intentionally bring another human being with a partner that is very adamant about not wanting another child??



If you want, you could have it, as it is your body, but I would get an outside job, a place for you and the children, and brace yourself for a divorce.


.brace yourself for a divorce, a neglected unloved child who will know and feel their dad didn't want them, possibly raising all children by yourself because he may just up and leave .


Who knows?? He may not truly have wanted any.


If you are a stay at home mother relying on his support financially, that is definitely unfair to him.


Another added expense, more physical and emotional strain on his body as he works untill sheer exhaustion to provide for the family. That's more stress and strain on him and the both of you.


More that you'll be doing by yourself. More arguments if he doesn't pull his share with the children because he simply too tired to do anything else and wants to relax when not working.


More stress and perhaps jealousy issues with the other kids. They may not want a new sibling and may not take kindly to the child and recieving less attention.

.more stress and strain financially. More stress and strain on you physically emotionally and mentally.


More for you to do.

Less breaks, more arguments, and a possible divorce or infidelity.


You can't expect him to be overjoyed and active in and with a child that he doesn't want to begin with.

Just because you may be happy about it, doesn't mean that he will, and you can't expect him to be.

Especially when he's telling you he doesn't want anymore.


Please take the time to let your body properly heal from each child.

Don't give into pressure to be intimate just because you are fearful of a husband leaving.

Have you actually ever went through the abortion you didn't want because you felt pressured into it? It's extremely traumatic experience that goes against your heart and body and can ruin a relationship and family you already have.

Abortion is a woman's right and it should be a procedure that helps a woman get back control of her life and body when that's what she wants. It's not something that a woman should feel pressured to go through and be left with potential sadness and regrets.

And all this talk about men leaving, neglecting and divorcing if a woman goes though a pregnancy is just exaggerated. Just because someone wants abortion due to practical reasons doesn't mean they will not love their child and step up when a child is actually there! How he is with his existing children and his past record of being reliable partner is a much better indicator of how he'll behave.

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nameschangehelp · 25/01/2023 15:40

Thank you for the supportive comments. I cancelled the termination and we are proceeding with the pregnancy. It's not the choice my husband would have made but he is being supportive and we'll work together to get through it. He's a fantastic dad to the younger two and very hands on so I'm hoping we'll have no regrets once baby arrives. Hope those of you in a similar situation are doing OK and sending love x

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Thiswasnotpartoftheplan · 26/01/2023 06:50

Best of luck with it all OP.
For what it’s worth, from what you’ve written I feel you’ve made the right decision for you. You’ve not gone in to it with eyes closed. I hope the pregnancy is smooth sailing and 3 is the magic number for you. X

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cc96 · 07/02/2023 10:21

I’m going through the same thing ☹️ I have 2 boys 3yo and 18m and found out I was pregnant 1 week ago. I’m 50/50 but husband is 100% no. I have a surgical abortion booked for 2 weeks time but I’m so scared I’ll regret it. I have cried every day since finding out and just wish we weren’t in this position.
I’m a stay at home mum, husband works full time and we are not in a very good financial position. Our plan was to try and buy our own home this year.
the only thing is we always speak about having 3 kids eventually, just not now :( the timing is terrible but I also believe in things happening for a reason.
I also know I’ll be able to handle it I’m one of 3 and if my mum can do it I can do it and the baby would be in a super happy and loving home so that’s not my reason for abortion, it’s just the financial side of things, which sometimes I think is that even a good enough reason to get an abortion?

i am 26 and husband is 29 so we are still young and planned to have another when our boys start school so that we won’t have to pay triple daycare fees (3yo starts school when he is 5 and 18 month old will be 1 school year below)

I really don’t know what to do

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nameschangehelp · 07/02/2023 11:00

cc96 · 07/02/2023 10:21

I’m going through the same thing ☹️ I have 2 boys 3yo and 18m and found out I was pregnant 1 week ago. I’m 50/50 but husband is 100% no. I have a surgical abortion booked for 2 weeks time but I’m so scared I’ll regret it. I have cried every day since finding out and just wish we weren’t in this position.
I’m a stay at home mum, husband works full time and we are not in a very good financial position. Our plan was to try and buy our own home this year.
the only thing is we always speak about having 3 kids eventually, just not now :( the timing is terrible but I also believe in things happening for a reason.
I also know I’ll be able to handle it I’m one of 3 and if my mum can do it I can do it and the baby would be in a super happy and loving home so that’s not my reason for abortion, it’s just the financial side of things, which sometimes I think is that even a good enough reason to get an abortion?

i am 26 and husband is 29 so we are still young and planned to have another when our boys start school so that we won’t have to pay triple daycare fees (3yo starts school when he is 5 and 18 month old will be 1 school year below)

I really don’t know what to do

So sorry you're in this position. I had some counselling with bpas before making my decision which might help? I am continuing (now 15 weeks) but still don't know if it was the right decision. I didn't feel I could go through with the termination as I struggled to disconnect this pregnancy from my previous ones but I do feel guilty about what I have maybe taken away from my existing children because I couldn't go through with it and knowingly going against what my husband wanted is hard too. Ultimately I felt I would regret a termination more than I would the baby but in some ways I do wish I had been able to be stronger as it would def have made life easier. I hope you are able to make a good decision for you x

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cc96 · 07/02/2023 11:36

Thank you so much for your reply, I believe you’ll never regret actually having your baby and I know I wouldn’t either, but it’s still super early days and I believe we are lucky to be in a place where we do have the choice, it’s going to be a loooong two weeks! Each day that goes by gets harder especially with my symptoms becoming stronger and like you, I’m attaching it with my previous pregnancies. Anyway thank you for listening and I wish you all the very best of luck I’m so glad to hear you have made your decision and you’ll for sure make it work, your husband will come around eventually I’m sure xxxx

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