Pregnant with 4th and scared

[notsurewhattodo2023]

Hi. I've name changed for this one as don't want to out myself!
I am 41 and 6 weeks pregnant with my fourth child. Not planned.
My first three children are 12, 9 and 7 and their father and I are divorced, this pregnancy is a different father, who I am no longer with as I discovered he was married!! He doesn't know about this pregnancy and I want to keep it that way.
So I am a single mother, although my ex has my children a lot as well and is a great dad.
When I first found out about this pregnancy I was worried but pleased.
I have had two terminations. :( My most recent one was November 2021 and I was almost 18 weeks. This was for medical reasons, mine not the baby's. Was horrific and tbh I have been seriously depressed and unwell since. My mental health has been rock bottom and the guilt and grief I feel every day sometimes overwhelms me.
I am so scared and worried as to what the right thing to do is here.
I am worried if I have an abortion I will feel the same way I did for the last one. I was going to keep my baby and went to midwife appointments and scans, I don't want to go into here why I had a termination at the stage I did, it is just too painful.
At the same time, I am a single mother of three children, i have a job so busy with that as well, I have poor mental health at times too.
I just want to do the right thing.
When I was pregnant before everyone said I would not cope and they are probably right, and they will say the same again.
I am starting to feel really sick again and starting to struggle a little but managing ok for now. I'm scared. I really want my baby but I am terrified too. Any advice or similar experiences welcome. I just don't know if I am strong enough to do it x

My three children I already have have to be my priority here. But the abortion regret and grief I have every day affects my ability to parent them at times as I have really low points to the point where I want to end it all. I sound ridiculously selfish but sometimes all I can hear in my head is my baby's heartbeat and see its face in my scans. It drowns me. I loved it so much despite having the abortion. I remember when they brought me into recovery following the abortion I could hear this horrible screaming and wondered who was making such a noise when I realised it was me.
The abortion I had was the third time I attempted it, couldn't go through with it the first two times.
I've had counselling for my abortion but I can't talk about it, I've tried, but it's just too painful. Hurting so bad and so worried. Not sure what to do and I can't believe I've ended up in this position again, especially at my age x

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it sounds incredibly tough. Your last termination sounds especially traumatic as well Please don’t beat yourself up for this situation, we are only human!

If you had a termination for this pregnancy it would almost certainly be physically easier than at 18 weeks. I had an abortion last summer at 4.5 weeks, it was a medical abortion so pills at home and physically it was very manageable. Emotionally thought it was tough but I think that goes without saying at any stage of pregnancy.

I hope someone else will come along soon who can offer proper advice, my only advice would be go with your gut instinct as much as possible and remember this is YOUR life, whichever path you choose it is you and only you who deals with the consequences x

Thank you for your kind words, @scaredandanxious01
I am so scared I will regret an abortion but I worry about my mental health (either way, if I abort or if I don't) and my ability to cope with a baby on my own. I had my husband for my first three and he was so hands on and did loads. The father of this one will not be on the scene and even if he is, would be very limited contact, which would be more his choice than mine. But I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate or anything, or give the baby his surname.
I really thought a new pregnancy would be the answer to my grief but now I am shitting myself. I didn't think I would fall so quickly at 41. The abortion in November has fucked me up and I miss my baby every day.
Xx

The reason for my abortion at almost 18 weeks was severe HG and bad depression. I am on a lot of meds for my mental health but because I was so so sick, I essentially went cold turkey. I was suicidal and had planned a date and method for ending my life. In the end after a lot of thought and soul searching I decided I had to abort, I couldn't parent the three children I have. My son was telling his friends at school his mummy was dying!
What adds to my guilt and grief was the fact the baby had a 1 in 5 chance of Downs Syndrome and I had an amniocentesis and the baby was clear. I aborted a baby which was most likely healthy. Ugh. So difficult. I feel that this pregnancy is a chance for me to redeem myself for my mistake and for the fact I feel I ended the life of my baby and didn't give it a chance. Xx sorry for the rambling x

@notsurewhattodo2023 to me, it sounds like you did what was best for you and your health and therefore was best for your pregnancy as well as your existing children. When we have terminations we are more than often acting out of love - love for ourselves and love for the pregnancy. You made the right decision because it was the best one at the time, with the information you had at that time. Hindsight is a pain in the arse sometimes. How is your sickness so far, is there anything that could be put in place to make it easier this time around if you were to carry on?

I’m going to tag @heartbroken22 and hope she doesn’t mind - I remember she had severe HG leading to a termination and she has gone onto have another pregnancy and may have some words of wisdom x

It's funny isn't it - I feel I have no right to love the baby but I do. I used to write it letters. I still have my scan photos and pregnancy notes but my friend has them for safekeeping as I would find it too painful right now. When I feel ready I will find a way to honour my baby.
I think I am going to carry on with this pregnancy, my mental health has been so poor since November 2021. Remember waking up the morning after and feeling so empty and heartbroken.
I had the Crisis team involved and also the Police banging on my door as I was a suicide risk.
I look back now and it is unbelievable how unwell the abortion made me. It destroyed me tbh. I feel I have no option but to carry on and hope I manage xxx
@scaredandanxious01 you are being so kind - thank you xxx
And I hope that the other poster you mentioned doesn't mind and that she can give me some words of advice and her experience xx

Hi I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm pregnant again now and have hg but it's not as bad as the one where I had to have an abortion at 8 week 2 days. At 14 weeks it's calmed down a bit but from early pregnancy it was horrific and we just relied on takeaways, hot baths, lots and lots of rest. I've not really come to terms with this pregnancy but I have good days and bad days. I'm feeling alot better today because the weather has changed a bit and the sun is out. It's little things that make a difference.

You're kids are at a good age to be independent and your ex husband is helpful which is a bonus. I know you struggle with hg but contact pregnancy sickness support (google them and then u Can WhatsApp them) and join the hg thread with Lucinda on here for support. Even a few comments of support help each day. I've also joined a Facebook group of my due date which has been helpful in terms of support.

As for your main decision only you can tell yourself what to do. Ask yourself do you really want a baby? How would you feel with/without them? Write it down somewhere so u can look back and remember. It's hard but good days do come either way. I had the abortion in June and got pregnant in October just when I was dealing with accepting the abortion due to ill health. It was scary getting pregnant again but for me I know it's because I can't see what's growing inside me and the hg. A few weeks ago I kept thinking and still do sometimes that if I had a miscarriage it will be okay. But I then immediately regret it and know I want that extra one child so I just need to be a little bit stronger if that's what I want. Also speak to your children and see how would they feel if they had another sibling. My eldest really wants a brother and is adamant we have a baby which helps.

Whatever you choose, trust yourself, you're making that decision as a good mother because you know the reality of your life/family and you know your strength even if it is to keep or have a termination xx

Thanks @scaredandanxious01 btw sorry I didn't see the tag until today xx

@heartbroken22 thank you for your kind words.
HG is horrendous isn't it. I didn't have any sickness with my first three pregnancies and so when I got it with that pregnancy it knocked me for six. I had no idea that sickness could be so debilitating and so completely fucking miserable. I was being sick all day every day for weeks and even at the time of my abortion it was showing no signs of slowing. I couldn't go to work, I couldn't drive my car, I couldn't even put my washing on the line without being sick.
I am sorry for what you went through as well. 🥲
I am of a similar mindset to how you were, I think if I miscarried it would be ok as I am so bloody scared. But I am still early days and I still have time to think about my options. As I am not at the stage yet where I am vomiting for hours on end, I can't fully appreciate how horrendous I felt.
I am going to write things down like you suggested, and look into the HG groups.
I don't even know if I really want another baby that much, I still have not met anyone properly since my divorce and I don't know if the idea of a baby is appealing because my ex uses the three I have as pawns and he won't be able to hurt me with this one, or take it from me.
Lots to consider. Thank you xxx
And I wish you all the best with your pregnancy too ❤️❤️

I’m in a sim situation 12 weeks and termination booked for this Tuesday.. my3rd attempt but really don’t think I can do it. I’m also pregnant with my 4th and not with the child father anymore, one think I am thinking is that I have never ever regretted any of my children and I am changing my mind on the termination. How I will afford 4 on my own i don’t know but I’ve managed 3 on my own so what’s one more!? I think you just go with your heart, maybe this baby your having is a blessing but if your feeling regret already about the thought of termination then don’t do it, you will make it worse us mums always do and tbf my children have saved me and motivated me more in life so I know this one will push me that extra bit harder! I hope you make the right decision for you!

It is your decision. Our 4th was twins (13 years after our first child) and I never regretted having them (and have been a single mother since they were 4 - I work full time).

My feeling from reading your posts is you would like to have this child. If you are not sure just wait 2 more weeks (so 8 weeks rather than now at 6 weeks) and see how you feel then.

@Amy7912 did you have your termination?
I have one booked for this Thursday as my mental health is so poor.
I am not 100% but I feel so unwell I am struggling to parent the three I have. I just don't think I'm strong enough to do this x
Thank you for your reply x

@Xenia some days I feel I want it and some days I know I am not able to. I am now 11 weeks and abortion booked for Thursday. I went along to Marie Stopes at 9 weeks (after waiting a week for an appointment from them) and they didn't have anything until this week. So if I cancel it I will be left waiting probably for another fortnight.
I just don't think I'm a very good mum, to the kids I have or the unborn one. Thank you for your reply x

I'm so sorry I've just seen this! Yes in the end I did and then found out I was pre menapausal and now I regret it in a way. I know it was the right thing to do at the time but I do always think of that baby