Please no judgemental comments, I am hard on my self as it is. 😔
In February 2022 I had a termination at 8 weeks due to my tokophobia (severe anxiety over pregnancy and birth). I regret it every single minute of every single day.
I cannot stop thinking about what could have been.
Why did my baby have to suffer because I couldn't face pregnancy and child birth?
I denied my child the right to life as a result of my own personal challenges and no matter how hard I try to forgive myself and look to the future I cannot.
More than anything I want to be mother. Why couldn't I have faced 9 months of discomfort to fulfilling that dream?
Even if I do manage to make it through pregnancy/birth in the future, I will forever hold space for this baby who could have been.
I'm doing my best to overcome this so that one day i can fufill my dream of motherhood. Im seeing a pre natal counsellor, getting on anxiety medication, meditating, stretching, counselling etc. But whatever I do it will never bring my baby back and my heart hurts every single day.
My friend has just told me she's pregnant and despite knowing all I've been through (with the termination and a chemical miscarriage ) she sent me a message saying "I can't believe I'm pregnant before you!"
I know she didn't mean any harm, but she encouraged me to get the abortion and although I know it was my choice and I do not blame anyone else but myself, it hurts me that she encouraged me to make that choice, and now she will soon have what I have always wanted, a baby.
Has anyone else dealt with this regret and deep sadness post termination?
I do not judge anyone for their choices. I know in life we make hard choices based on our circumstances in that moment.
Just wondering how other people have dealt with their emotions as well as their experience with having kids in the future, whilst grieving the one that you lost?