Hi @Buttonups and @Wonderland84. sorry to hear you are/were both in similar situations. In my case I had the termination at 13 weeks (which i also feel horror about). Honestly, I don’t think I ever really made a decision, I nearly backed out as I was about to go into surgery, to the point the surgeon got annoyed with me. The whole thing was incredibly traumatic, and the guy who got me pregnant was really awful throughout.
I had amazing family support, but I plummeted straight after and there’s still not a day I go by without thinking of the baby in one way or another. The first few weeks and months were very dark and I threw myself into DIY projects to keep busy. But things slowly got better, the tears and pain lessened and now, nearly a year later I think of it with sadness but only occasionally with that awful pang I felt in the early days.
So, while I still feel sadness, guilt and sorrow around the whole thing, I also think it was the right decision. I know raising a child on my own in NY, with no family around would be next to impossible, and that’s in the case of a healthy child.
i’m now about to turn 42, have no romantic partner in sight (slim pickings at this age!) so that was likely my only chance (at least naturally) and that does bring me sadness. But, I am delighted not to be tied to the guy for the rest of my life, and I’ve made an effort to get out and enjoy life more, so that this hasn’t been completely for nothing- I’m trying to choose better people to date, to travel more (to the point where I kind of thinking ‘I’m seeing these places for you little baby’). And to get fit and healthy.
But it took me time (maybe 4 months) for that mind shift to begin to happen. Those early weeks and months I couldn’t look at my body, thinking a baby should be there, the due date was also difficult. I travelled to Eastern Europe for work 3 months after, and at a beautiful reception event on the Danube I went out in the dark, stood by the water and sobbed for my little baby. Then I pulled it together and hit the dance floor…
Those days of despair became moments of despair and gradually made way for a soft sadness I carry.
I still find being around very tiny babies tough, and hearing about friend’s pregnancies (I deleted FB which helped) gives me pangs of sadness/jealousy, but broadly speaking I’m ‘glad’ I was able to make a choice that i never thought I would make and that so many women aren’t able to make. I’ve saved a baby from an asshole father, and honestly from a mother who might not have been able to cope, and with no other family to lean on nearby.
Like I said though, I’m not sure I ‘made’ a decision. I just shut down on the surgery table and said go ahead when my time had run out, with a surgeon already annoyed with me. I guess a decision, but not an empowered one. One because time had run out. I could just have easily gone the other way and nearly did…
I don’t know. I could be blissfully happy now, I often think ‘he’d be 4 months now… lifting his head’… etc, but I could also be miserable, and overwhelmed. I’ll never know. The path not taken.
But, while I carry that sadness and ‘what if’, I also know I’m happy, I came out the other side, I can enjoy life, which I didn’t think I would again in those early weeks, and I don’t take for granted the most basic things I can do that I wouldn’t have been able to if I’d been a single mum in a city with no family, like run out for milk!
@Wonderland84 i understand what you mean about wanting to do it in a healthy, loving relationship. That was always what I thought prior to all this, and ultimately the idea of doing it alone and with a father who would make my life potentially very difficult was what ultimately drove the ‘decision’. In that sense, I’ve no regrets. But, you also know first hand the ins and outs of single motherhood, and with a child age 12 I guess you must be getting some semblance of ‘freedom’ back. I would say, think of what life you want, don’t just have a baby so your child has a sibling, the bond you two have together I’m sure is already very special, so don't feel you need to make up for a lack.
@Buttonups I’m sorry you also had such a rough time, I completely understand, it’s an empty pity of pain and meaninglessness that sits right in your chest. Those early days I would have the closest thing I’ve ever had to a panic attack (shallow breathing, feeling ‘what have I done’ panic). All this made worse because lots of people (men especially) just view abortion as another form of contraception, and don’t understand or think of the pain and grief that can go with it (not by every woman, but certainly more than is spoken about). Be kind and gentle with yourself, take the time you need, and let yourself cry when you want. I certainly do!
Very long post, but sending hugs to you both.
xx