Considering a termination

[Erinkelly28]

TW: Abortion

Hi everyone, my period is currently 5 days late and I finally was able to take a test yesterday and to my absolute shock it was positive. I'm very upset and distressed as I already have two boys who are almost 4 and 17 months. The craziest part is me and my husband don't often have time to do the deed so I know the exact day this happened because we only had sex once this month! 🙃 what are the bloody chances 😭 (we used a condom) we are obviously very conflicted on what to do here, we would both like another but realistically I don't think it's possible, we live in a three bedroom flat, aren't home owners, husband works full time and I don't work, I was supposed to start college this August, my oldest is autistic who needs just that little bit extra help and attention, money is already tight. I know the best thing to do would be to terminate but I'm afraid I'll hate myself after and that I'll regret it thinking about all the what ifs. But then I think about being pregnant again, as beautiful as our third baby would be can I handle the stress of weight gain, the morning sickness that I'm already dreading (I think I'm 5 weeks) because it absolutely floored me last time, missing out on doing a lot of the things I enjoy with my friends and not to mention the terrible leg pain I experienced in my last pregnancy which continued till I was a few weeks pp. We will not ever get a break if we have a third child, we have help from my mother in law but she's quite an anxious woman and only likes to take one child at a time maybe once or twice a week. As I said money is tight, I know I would be entitled to a little bit more money but I don't know if it would be enough. I'm obviously very conflicted here and I know none of you can tell me what to do but I just wanted to air my feelings here first before me and my husband have a proper talk later (he's very supportive and will be there with me whatever we decide) I just wanted to see other people's thoughts and experiences, thank you.
Also, if you had an early termination can you tell me the entire process?

@Erinkelly28 hello sorry to hear what your going Through I'd just thought I'd jump on here as im literally in the same situation as u im 7 weeks tomorrow and undecided as well I also have two young children both girls ages 4 and nearly 2...I had a pre assessment for a surgical abortion but I just can't bring my self to phone up and book in an appointment, only recently I've starting have doubts and now im completely uncertain of what to do I know it doesn't help your choice but just wanted to jump on and let u know u ain't alone I'm in exactly the same predicament as u I suffer with anxiety and also very nervous as I haemorrhaged with my recent child so that is also playing on ky mind a lot

Hi @Erinkelly28 @sarahb19 have you made a list of pros and cons of the pregnancy?
I'm currently 7 weeks and 4 days and it's what I did. I am already a parent to 5 children, 3 of them are teens though. My youngest is 3 and my nearly 5 year old is non verbal autistic and wouldn't cope with being around a baby and is one of my reason I am going ahead with a termination, I will never be 100% sure that it's what I want but I know its 100% right for me to do at the current time, I have already had my assessment and my pills arrive tomorrow.
Feel free to pm me if you need to chat I am here for a handhold. Its really really not an easy decision to make

@Difficultime thank you for your comment, yes I have done that and it's literally a tie there are good reason to keep this baby and there are bad reason I am stuck between a decision and it's very hard for me to decide what to do

@sarahb19 thanks so much for commenting and it's nice to know I'm not alone. I think since posting this yesterday me and my husband are leaning slightly towards keeping this baby, since learning more about how an abortion works and how it could affect me I'm finding it very difficult to accept that as the right choice. I'm very worried and scared, we still need to hash some things out and make a plan if we were to keep this baby. I am still shocked I'm in this situation. I hope you're doing okay, I definitely understand your thoughts especially with the scary birth experience last time.

@Erinkelly28 your welcome I'm here anytime and yes I'm considering keeping this baby as well despite my scary birth last time I know I'd be in the right place if sank did go wrong and if I was in danger I'm sure they would do a Caesarean, abortion scares me to and it can be a long process especially if it doesn't work so I'm not sure on what to do

@Difficultime thank you for your comment! As of today we are slightly leaning more towards keeping the baby now but we still have a lot to discuss and talk about before deciding for sure. It sounds like you're doing the right thing for you and your family, my son isn't non verbal but I for sure know an autistic child is hard work. Yeah definitely not an easy decision at all.

@sarahb19 you would definitely be in the safest place if something were to go wrong again, they would also be keeping an extra close eye on you knowing about the last time too. I think if there's any thoughts of doubt then we should consider our choice very carefully as there's no going back once you take that pill.

@Erinkelly28 exactly and I have some doubt so I need to really consider this cos if I make the choice to terminate my pregnancy I don't want to regret it in the future

@RecycledKettle thanks so much for your kind comment, it's very hard and even though I think we've decided to keep this baby I'm very worried, stressed and scared still. Money is going to be so tight but I know I would be so mentally damaged if I had an abortion, I had a miscarriage back in 2015 and that pretty much traumatised me so I can't even imagine how an abortion would make me feel.

It sounds like you’re both leaning towards keeping the babies and that’s great if you’ve decided that’s what you want. I was in a very similar situation with my third and have really struggled since aborting back in August. I have days where I feel like it was the right choice and am happy with my choice and days when it feels very wrong, depending on where I am in my cycle. Hormones are playing havoc!

Mainly came here to say to beware of comments like the ones from @RecycledKettle above. I’d bet she (he?) is a pro-lifer on threads like these to convince vulnerable people to continue their pregnancies. Could be wrong but I saw lots of comments like this from people who have no experience themselves with unplanned pregnancy when I was trying to make my decision.

I’m thinking of you both and good luck with whatever you decide!

@Tcr1987 hello thank you for your comment, I have decided to continue with the termination of this pregnancy and have a surgery date booked in for 2 weeks from now, it was a hard decision but I know it was the right one for me and my family

@sarahb19 I'm proud of you for coming to your decision, it can't be easy at all but you're putting your family first. I wish you and your family the absolute best.

@Erinkelly28 thank you so Much no it's not easy but I need to di what's best for me and my family

@Tcr1987 thanks for the warning, the link they posted made me feel a little uneasy. I absolutely do not stand for pro lifers and I don't think everyone should be allowed an opinion on someone's body or human rights etc.
And thank you for sharing your story with me, I know if I terminate life will go on as normal but I can't trust that my mental health won't be affected.

I don’t want you either of you to think that I know I made the right choice and am totally happy with it. It’s been a journey. I wouldn’t say my life has continued as normal and my mental health has definitely been badly affected. I had severe anxiety before this (since having my first child) and it’s been in overdrive.

That’s not to say that it wouldn’t have been much worse if the pregnancy had continued. The future certainly looked very bleak to me back then. I was/ am running on empty in terms of time and energy for my two existing kids. It’s a really shitty place to be in and decision to have to make.

@sarahb19 What helps me now is that I really seriously explored my options and had a very clear idea of why I terminated. I’ve been through so many stages of processing the termination, grief I guess, but more and more can see that it was the right choice at the time for my family.

@Tcr1987 Hi. I know this is an old thread but wondered how you are a year later? I'm in similar situation now and unsure what to do. Worried about mental health. Thanks.

@Confusedaseveriwas I’m sorry you’re in this position, it’s not nice. I have nothing very helpful to say I’m afraid. It’s definitely not been plain sailing. I got pregnant again a year after the abortion because I couldn’t stop thinking we should have been a family of five and at points in my cycle really felt like I was grieving a child. But as soon as I saw the positive test the same feeling of dread came over me and I was straight back on the phone to BPAS. I took a while to decide whether or not to actually take the abortion pills and in that time had a miscarriage. Obviously it was complex but I felt a lot of relief that I miscarried.

I’m 37 now and I think the time that’s passed since the abortion, the miscarriage experience and my age have made it easier to decide to continue as a family of 4 but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind frequently.

What I can say for sure is that I know I’m a much better parent to my two kids now than I would have been if I also had a baby/ toddler to deal with and I’ve really soaked up the quality time with them.

If you’d find it helpful you’re welcome to PM me to talk it though.