I had an abortion recently and I regret it the minute it started. I am a mother of three and I am 36 years old. When I found out I was pregnant, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was thinking wouldn't it be great to have a big family (although it never occurred to me that I want 4 children)? On the other hand, I am scared we wouldn't be able to afford it. Plus, I am already in my late 30's I am not sure if we should have another child. The pressure also comes from the fact that everyone around me have already moved onto the next stages of their lives. I had my children in my 20's too so it also makes me feel rather uneasy to start everything again. I even felt like I need to justify and explain to others WHY am I still doing this at this age. I don't even know WHY THIS PRESSURE OCCURED TO ME but I felt it. Sigh. But I also knew I already loved the baby so much. I had a difficult time making the decision so I dragged it until the last minute. My husband was supportive but at the same time, I know he doesn't want to keep the baby as we do need to make huge financial adjustments if we decided to keep this new family member.
On the day of the termination, we were still discussing and deciding if we should proceed in the car. I cried for at least 1 week prior to the termination. I don't know what has gotten in my mind but I decided to proceed with it. The minute everything was ready, I wanted to leave. But I knew it was too late. I had my hand on my belly hoping that my baby would feel the warmth of my hand. I said my last goodbye and the baby was gone. Just like that.
Ever since that day, I couldn't function; I couldn't breathe. I cry every day in the shower. I think my children knew that something is wrong with me. I try to be strong in front of them. I don't know what to do. Shouldn't I feel relieved? I don't feel relieved at all. I feel so depressed... so angry at myself... I don't know what to do. It's been more than a long week since the procedure but I still couldn't stop thinking about my baby. I couldn't stop feeling so angry. My husband didn't feel the connection prior to the termination but he felt it too after we lost the baby.
We are now clouded with our emotions and we really want to try again. We want our baby back. Is this normal? I didn't share this with anyone and I am keeping this negative emotion to myself. I know I should give myself some time because it has only been a week before I make any illogical decision. But I am 36 going to be 37 in a few months and my husband is even older than me. I can't afford to waste any time.
We had a difficult time conceiving our third child and we sought medical help to have our miracle baby. I can't imagine myself going through a termination years after. So trying for a baby really stresses me. I remember the days when I was trying for my third child; we had numerous cycles of IUIs, IVFs.... hopes and disappointments months after months; years after years. I feel like I have completely lost my baby. He wouldn't come back to me and I don't deserve to feel happy again.
All I want is to turn back time and to make the "right decision". While I understand that is impossible, I am desperately wanting to try again. I don't know what to do with my life. What should I do.