I’m 42 years old with 2 DC aged 8 and 6 who I adore. We thought we would be open to having a third child and amazingly managed to conceive naturally despite my age.
I was not really expecting it to happen and when it did, completely threw me into panic mode. I was having anxiety attacks and sleepless nights about how all of this would impact our family and my existing children. I was extremely concerned about whether I would be able to have a healthy baby and the risks due to my age. DH and I debated it out for 4 weeks non-stop. Writing pros and cons list, reading multiple experiences about families with 2 and three children. I was worried about facing tough decisions to terminate for medical reasons later in pregnancy or suffer a late miscarriage as well as spreading myself too thin between 3 children. I must admit that I can be a ‘glass half empty’ kind of person and focus on risks and negatives as opposed to the positives.
After 4 very stressful weeks, we decided to have a termination (I had multiple counselling sessions as well). We really could have gone either way and there was no clear answer, but I felt at that point, all I wanted was to hit the ‘reset’ button and have my old life back and that was the easier option than 9 months of uncertainty of never really knowing if the pregnancy will turn out OK, followed by x number of years of uncertainty about what a new addition would mean for our existing family and whether we are really being the best parents we can be with 3 children or if we are at our best with two.
What I didn’t realise, is that there is no such things hitting a reset button when it comes to terminations. I feel incredibly sad and empty and am no longer the person I was before the pregnancy. Before I had the termination, we asked each other if we feel our family is complete as it is and we agreed that it was. Now that I’ve had the termination, it suddenly feels like someone is missing and I was in no way prepared for the feeling of loss and grief that I now have. Had I known how badly this would affect me psychologically, I may not have gone through with this.
After 2 very enjoyable and happy pregnancies, I also feel like I am ending my child-bearing years with a very negative experience. This pregnancy may not have ended happily anyway, but I should have let nature decide.
I fully recognise I’ve completely thrown away a gift at 42 and may never be given it again. This sounds completely insane, but I’m wondering if another baby is the only way to heal a broken heart from here? Has anyone done this and has it helped? Or has it just thrown you back into the same turmoil you faced the first time around? I could never face a termination again.