6 weeks pregnant with 3rd child - torn on what to do :(

[holls1222]

I found out yesterday that I am pregnant (around 6 weeks) and I haven't stopped crying since.
I had DS 2 10 months ago and as much as I completely adore him, he is such hard work, so the thought of having another baby right now fills me with dread.
my OH is supportive and will stand by me whatever choice I make, this isn't the first time we have been in this situation... I first fell pregnant with him back in 2015. I was 19 at the time so knew I was too young, so had an abortion and to this day I completely regret that decision and vowed to myself to never do it again, yet here we are 8 years and 2 children later 😭

We have booked our wedding and are due to get married in September next year, which would be 6 weeks after I have the baby if I go through with this pregnancy... we have waited 3 years for this wedding and now it's just an impossible situation and something has to give 🙁

Yes, I know it's completely our fault for not being careful this one time, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and this feeling is horrendous.

Has anyone been is a similar situation? I just need some advice right now 😔

Oh I’m really sorry for you. It’s a tough place to be. My situation wasn’t that similar to you. I’m older, am already married and my second is 3 but we had an unplanned pregnancy at the beginning of the year and I had an abortion. It’s been tough. I’ve had two abortions before (21 and 11years ago) which were hard but not as hard as having a child would have been in those situation. I wasn’t in a proper relationship. Was too young. Didn’t earn much. I didn’t know what it would be like to be pregnant, what a newborn is like etc. I mentally tracked where I’d be in this last pregnancy till the due date, it was really unhealthy.

I’m feeling much better about it now, 9 months on but still now, if I could undo it then I would. Well actually, I wouldn’t have had sex at that time in the first place! But I wouldn’t have the abortion again. But that’s not because it was the wrong decision for our family, it was the right one, but I’ve had to pick myself up off the floor and it’s been really hard. I think in another 6 months or so I’ll probably have moved on even more and not feel like that.

Don’t consider the wedding as a factor. If you have an abortion and regret it then you’ll feel silly that you let one day influence that decision. What’s really important is whether you want three children, whether you have the time/space/resource for three. The early years will be really tough with three small ones but where do you want to be in three years time? Remember pregnancy is 9 months so your youngest will be completely different by the time a new baby comes.

But this is all just how I’ve reacted to the abortion. Everyone is different. Lots of people feel fine. Two of my friends over the past few years have had them with no backwards glance. I was brought up catholic so it might explain a lot of the guilt I’ve felt.

I hope that’s helped in some way. It feels like I’ve just had a word vomit though.

Also remember, pregnancy hormones are shite. Maybe call BPAS or MSI and access some of their free counselling so you can spend some time exploring how you feel with someone who’s experienced in it?

I didn’t do that so no idea if they’re actually helpful. I found the post-counselling pointless, but I was very very emotional.

@holls1222 I have just been through this with a third pregnancy. Our family is stable and happy and I have 2 DC in primary school. After writing out a long list of pros and cons and debating daily for 4 weeks, we made the decision to terminate last week.

It's an incredibly hard decision and everyone's situation is different. The only thing I would say is that whilst physically the termination was very straight forward, nobody prepared me for the grief and emptiness I felt after. I'm a logical thinker and in my decision I tried to use 'mind over matter' and thought after the termination I would just reset my life back to how it was. The decision was creating stress and I wanted it over with. For me, life has not been reset and I feel a part of me is now missing.

Instead of all the panic and anxiety I had with my pregnancy going away, it has now been replaced with sadness and each day is a struggle. Personally I wish I had let nature decide rather than taking matters into my own hands.

I can only share my own thoughts and experiences, there are many who are able to move on and not look back.

I had pre counselling with MSI as well and they were great and understandably don't push you either way and allow you to arrive at your own decision. I do just wish someone had warned me of the emotional impact this decision can come with.

I agree with Beggingforsleep to not let your wedding be a deciding factor. Totally understand how much you've been waiting for this special day, but you also don't want it to be tainted by a regretted decision. Do you feel it's just the timing and at some time in the future you would have wanted a third anyway or do you feel your family is complete?

Wishing you all the very best during this difficult time and with your decision.

@Morningcappucino thank you so much for your message.
In all honesty, knowing that we want a third child is making this all the more difficult. We would love a 3rd baby to complete our family, but just not yet.
Our 10 month old is such a handful and I know having another with him would send me over the edge.
We both have small families so have always said that we would love a big family ourselves, but it's just not the right time, or rather it doesn't feel like it is :(

I fell pregnant with what would have been my third after a failed morning after pill in July. After two very intense weeks including three counselling sessions with BPAS I eventually terminated medically at just gone 6 weeks.

At the time I felt something like relief afterwards but I think that was just relief that the decision was made. It has emotionally hit me very hard and I find each period brings back the grief. Nearly 4 months on I’m starting to accept that I made the right decision at the time. I would’ve had 3 under 5, am still breastfeeding (and waking through the night) my 2 year old and I have pretty severe anxiety. It wouldn’t have been good for any of us.

I wrote out a long long list of very solid justifications as to why I terminated at the time and know logically they’re valid, and they’ve helped me a lot on the other side. Emotionally and I suppose hormonally I’m now consumed by the thought of whether or not to try for a third. Probably more to stop my sadness rather than because I actually want a third. I’m 35 though so feel some pressure about trying again if I decide it’s right for me.

I read lots of posts from women with no regrets but I think if you’re prone to any mental health issues or suspect the decision to terminate will have a big impact on your wellbeing I’d really recommend the free counselling. And don’t put pressure on yourself to decide by a certain time. You want to know you’ve taken the time you need to decide.

Thinking of you and I hope you find peace with whatever you decide.