Towards the end of my marriage my ex husband and I was going through fertility treatment of which I had to make some HUGE changes to accommodate. I knew I wanted a family but after a very stressful few years and some soul searching I came to the realisation that my situation at the time wasn't where I wanted to start and raise a family. So I left after 17years and started life all over again.
I met my current partner two years ago and made it clear early doors that I wanted a family but it wouldn't be as straightforward as it should due to my known fertility complications. He was accepting of this and agreed that in 18 months we'd revisit the idea of it and instead of "trying" we'd so contraception and see"what happens".
Due to years of actively trying I knew nothing would happen but understandably agreed that we could wait and give our relationship a bit more time.
Well.....
In July, whilst on holiday in Turkey I discovered I was pregnant. Unplanned & unexpected. I was overwhelmed and feeling 101 emotions. I actually kept myself in the bathroom for some time not knowing how to announce it.
When I did, the response wasn't what I wanted. The news was met with dred and the disclosure of my partner not wanting to go ahead with the pregnancy.
My world flipped on its head. I wanted this pregnancy more than anything. There was no alternative for me but as crazy in love as I was/am I understood if he wanted to keep his distance and not be involved.
For him that wasn't an option so onwards we went.
The pregnancy wasn't straight forward and shortly after getting out heartbeat scan/video I ended up miscarrying at home.
I have no words for how this emotionally tore me up. I knew because of how my partner felt that it was unlikely he'd want to try again but given the healing time (emotionally and physically) I left it be for a while (even if it's all I could think about)
Fast forward 5 months and a discussion on how we'd agreed on letting nature take its course with conceiving, my partner disclosed to me that he doesn't want children any time soon and that the previous pregnancy confirmed his feelings on it. He's very recently landed a good job after being self employed for quite some years and feels that only now is he able to enjoy his life financially after years of sacrificing.
Age wise, I'm 35 and he's 37. Time is not on my side, more so with the added fertility complications.
The dilemma. I love him. He's a great man. He treats me in a way I've never been treated, I feel protected by him, emotionally and physically, he's got the kindest soul and to top it his family are bloody lovely. He'd make a fantastic father but I have to completly appreciate his thoughts and journey are not the same as mine (which started long before he was even on the scene)
I feel terrified of living my life without the chance of atleast trying but that would have to be at the sacrifice of my relationship with him.
I guess my question is this to the men....
Did you know you wanted to be a father? What were your fears? Would you change anything now if you could rewind time?
There's no magic wand and I know what my options are. I'm just looking for some light in this very dark, very lonely predicament.
Thanks for reading (and sorry for waffling on)