Hi, first post and feeling very fragile, so please bear with me and be kind, this might be a bit of a very long ramble and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, maybe just a sounding board or somewhere to write my feelings as I do not feel I can talk to friends or family about this.
I have recently (3 days ago) had a surgical termination with BPAS at 10+6. Straight after the appointment I instantly felt relief and felt lighter, but now 3 days on and I am feeling grief, loss, guilt, confusion and cant help thinking that maybe I’ve made the wrong decision. I’m ok one minute but then have floods of emotion that come over me the next, where I can’t stop crying.
A bit of background:
I have recently turned 41 and am in a very stable and loving relationship and we are financially secure with no previous children, so on paper all the ideal basis for a family!
We decided to try for children 4 years ago but always took a very relaxed approach to things, neither of us have ever felt a burning need or desire to have children in our lives but thought it was about time that we did as we weren’t getting any younger and took an if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t kind of approach.
Over the course of the last 4 years I have had a few early miscarriages, the last one being about 15 months ago. I have been through multiple tests but no problems were identified. When going through the tests etc over the last 4 years, I think a small part of me wanted them to find something wrong, as I was never 100% sure about having children, and neither was my husband, and I think I wanted someone to take that decision away from me, sounds stupid doesn’t it, and yes, I realise it was also stupid to try for children when we weren’t 100% sure, I guess we just assumed that when it did happen it would feel like the right thing.
As it has taken so long to get pregnant, we had kind of settled into the idea that we would have a life without children, and that was absolutely fine, we were very happy and were merrily plodding on together, just the two of us. I was about to go back on contraception when I found out I was pregnant (I’d stopped tracking my cycle). You would think that after such a long time trying and previous losses that I would be happy and excited to be pregnant, but I wasn’t, I just simply didn’t feel right, I couldn’t put my finger on it.
As the weeks went on, part of me expected the pregnancy to end in loss, as this had been my previous experience, and as awful as it sounds part of me was hoping it would as I just didn’t feel right, and again I wanted someone to take the decision away from me. I had an early scan and hoped that I would start to feel something positive, but I didn’t, and the feeling of not wanting the baby just got worse and worse and anxiety also kicked in to the point of panic attacks. I discussed with my husband and with the midwife and made an appointment with BPAS, I had requested an appointment with a counsellor but there wasn’t one available for over 2 weeks, at which point I would have been due my 12 week scan and I wanted to make a decision before then so ended up going ahead with the termination without counselling. My husband was supportive of me and my choices and could see what an effect things were having on my mental health, I have been through severe depression in the past and he was very concerned about me and didn’t want to repeat this.
It was such a hard decision to make, I kept going back and forth on what was right, what wasn’t right, how our lives would look with or without children, how I was feeling, my age and the risks of compilations, the realisation that this is a final decision, there’s no more tying after this, etc etc, trying to separate emotion from rational thinking and although it was emotional very hard, I was 100% sure of the decision to terminate, but now looking back I am worried that this was just my mental health getting the better of me, and that maybe it was the wrong decision. Maybe if I’d had the counselling it would be a different outcome?
I am trying to work out if the way I’m feeling now is true feelings, or if it is due to the hormonal changes in my body. I need to move forward, and so does my husband, he was upset by the decision to terminate but felt it was right for me at the time and said he can move on proving we look forward and not back, which I’m struggling to do. we made this decision and can’t change that now, I realise that.
Appreciate it’s probably an unusual situation - loving, stable and secure, trying so long for a child and then terminating, but has anyone experienced anything similar that could offer some hope that I will feel better and that my rational thoughts will come back soon? Or any advice to help me move forward?
I am sorry if this has upset anyone else, I realise there are people in far far worse situations than me, I know there is nothing wrong in my life that some would think would warrant a termination, but things just didn’t feel right for me.
Thank you for reading.