Feeling lost

[Hanna8]

Hi, I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago. Me and my husband have a solid relationship and have three older children at 18, 15 and 12. We never thought about having another. I went through personal problems in the summer and it was a horrific time. I wasn't taking my contraceptive properly and my body clock went right out of sorts, hence now why this has happened. My husband was very shocked, as was I, but his reaction wasn't 'this is brilliant news'. We never expected it to happen again. For three weeks we hardly spoke about it. We said we would take time to think about what was happening and talk in due course. The more the days and weeks went on I felt like yes, I actually want this baby. I'm nearly 37, he is 41. So no we're not spring chickens but wouldn't be the oldest parents in the world. This week he admitted to me that he really wants to say yes let's do it, but his heart is saying he can't. He doesn't want to start at the beginning again after we've already gone through it and our children are older. Which I do get of course. Of course it'll be hard work, and I always said I wouldn't do this if he wasn't 100% in it and wanted it, because I know it wouldn't be fair. I just don't know what to do. As much as I didn't want to I have made an appointment to talk with a BPAS nurse on Monday. I really want the baby, but I don't think he's going to change his mind. He said he wouldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do but thinks it would be the better thing. I'm scared I'm going to regret it if I go through with it, and also scared if I don't he will end up resenting me for a new life he didn't want. I just feel lost.

If he's said he wouldn't force you then that suggests he's leaving it to you. Yes it would mean starting again but your kids are older and they would help out ( I'm not saying they're expected to but honestly older siblings love to help). You've left it for 3 weeks suggests...if you both didn't want it you would have reacted to getting a termination sooner. How are you generally in pregnancy? Speak to him again and tell him how you feel. I had a termination earlier this year because I was really unwell with hypermesis. I'm not someone whose against abortion. But just stating what I can read from your post.

Hi Hanna, I'm sorry that your pregnancy came as a surprise. It's really hard because when women abort to please a partner or spouse, it can lead to resentment and a breakdown of the relationship, especially if she is grieving and sad, and he doesn't understand why it's hitting her so hard. I also sympathize with your situation because I will be facing "empty nest" soon, where children grow up and leave and then it's just you and your husband. You could be in that position in five or six years, depending on the paths your children choose, and for some people it's exciting, for others they dread it. Your choices are baby, adoption, or abortion, unless you have a natural miscarriage somewhere along the way. You say you feel it's not fair to have the baby if he's not 100% in agreement, but neither is it fair for you to abort if you're not 100% about that. Your feelings are every bit as important as his, if not more because you're the one that will have to directly deal with the choice that is made. You already have children so you know that nothing can prepare us for how much we love them. I hope you and your husband can come to a decision that you both can live with, and I hope you can talk this through with tenderness and understanding.