Indecisive about abortion

[cocopops93]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting and I can't believe this is happening!

I am 29 and am 4 weeks pregnant, total surprise. By the time I give birth I'll be just turning 30, my partner will be 23 and a half. We have been together a year and a half.

I'm completely undecided on what I want to do. My initial gut reaction has been to terminate but I keep changing my mind! I want to abort because:

• I have always been hung up on the fact that I'm 6.5 years older than my boyfriend, even though he is a wonderful man, very mature, great career, super caring, proactive, I guess me being older goes against the social norm. We discussed children and said we'd like to be 25/26 and 32.
• our relationship has been far from perfect over the last few months, we have been arguing a lot and have split up, although I think this is mostly caused by me because of attachment and mental health issues which I'm in therapy for. (ironically I think I'm the immature one)
• I feel so much shame having a baby with a 23 year old, like I am forcing him to be older before his time?
• I always thought I'd be married with a house before having a baby, I don't feel ready. I live in a one bedroom apartment although it is very spacious and there is enough room for a cot etc with a king bed!
• I'd struggle running my business with a baby
• He has told me his preference is abortion although he doesn't seem 100% and we have discussed the logistics of keeping the baby
• I feel like I still need to live and travel a bit more, and get my relationship and mental health in a healthier place
• I do feel a bit of dread/fear at the thought of having a baby!!

On the other hand, I want to keep the baby because:

• I don't have a doubt in my mind that we would make excellent, loving parents and give a baby everything it would ever need
• We both have really great careers and solid incomes - I run my own business and he's an engineer. We are on an income of £80,000+ together and can support a child financially
• When we need to deal with the big things (eg this pregnancy) there are no arguments and we have discussed it all so calmly and he has been so so supportive and made me feel safe and like it will all be okay
• Even if we split up he is the ideal person to co parent with, he would 100% still support me and be a Dad
• He is very proactive and has no issue with getting on with it, losing sleep, freedom etc and I know I'll be able to leave our baby with him without a worry
• I love my cosy apartment and can see us having a baby here for the first year then getting a house
• before I got pregnant we did discuss having a family one day and I used to fantasise about us having a baby
• We have lots of supportive people in our lives who would help us out with baby sitting and just be there for us, we don't feel alone (plus his mum who I get on really well with lives a few doors down!)

I have a phone consultation with the abortion clinic on the 14th so still have time to think about it. I'm worried I'll have the abortion then regret it forever. Equally I am worried we will have a baby and eventually split up. or worse I will regret having it and get bad PND :( I don't know what to do. I don't want a baby YET and I don't want an abortion.

Hi OP

I've got a little boy but I've also had a medical abortion.

My best advice is to trust your gut. Sounds cliche but I think deep down you've already made your mind up and no one should advice you either way as it's your own personal situation.

From my experience when I fell pregnant with my little boy I was a bit shocked at first and I did exactly what you done and made a sort of pros and cons list of keeping the baby but in my heart I knew I was going to carry the child .

When I fell pregnant again I knew that I would not be able to continue with the pregnancy. I'd just started a new job and had no maternity entitlement, I was pretty skint, my partner had just had major surgery and we were going through behavioural issues with our first. I still made a pros and cons list and included things like giving them a sibling and completing our family etc but I always knew the timing was just not right for us.

I hope that helps you stick with your gut instinct

Im the same as you , 4 weeks pregnant . My heart says no and my brain says maybe but I wouldn’t be able to agree 100% that I would. I have an ultrasound scan tomorrow and I’m dreading it as don’t want to go but I am just to confirm I am pregnant and they can tell me if all is ok or not . Then I have phone consultation on Thursday . This is make or break time . I know I will have a breakdown tomorrow. I am
worried sick . The slightest twinge I get I think it’s my period starting which I would welcome to avoid and trip to a clinic.

Hi MnA43,

I hope today goes as smoothly as possible for you. I'm sorry you're in this situation but it's nice to know none of us are alone. Remember that 1 in 3 women go through this at some point in their life.

We are still so early, perhaps take a few days to think. My appointment isn't until next week so I have time to come to a decision. I never thought in a million years I'd be considering aborting but the time is just not right :(

If you have anxiety and do decide to go down the termination route maybe consider surgical over medical as it's over a lot quicker and less painful from what I've read. Do you have support from the father? And family/friends?

Just take some time, I think you will know in your heart what is right for you xx

Hi ANONGT,

Thank you for your advice. I can't even remember my initial gut reaction as I was so overwhelmed and in a panic. I did feel a gut reaction to abort when I knew that's what my partners preference was (he is saying his preference is to try again in 2 years).

I'm worried it's my hormones and shock that are filling me with fear and dread, as before all of this I was getting very broody! And now I'm pregnant I just want it to all go away. I don't feel in my heart I am ready yet but I don't think I'll ever be because of my career.

I do think if my partner was 25+ I'd want to keep it :( I also suffer with OCD and struggle with things being 'perfect' so think this is what makes me dwell on the age gap. He is more of a man than most 30 year olds I know, but I just can't get over him being a Dad at 23. I think 26 and 32 will be so much better for us.

Hey,

I hope you’re okay.

I know exactly how you feel - I’m currently going through a similar situation… I’m 28 and found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I also made a list of pros and cons and never thought I’d imagine myself going down the abortion road… Definitely one of the hardest things.
I’m booked in for a surgical this Friday and I have read some stories about the medical one which has put me off.
Whatever you decide to do just know that it is the right decision for YOU x

Hi cocopops, I'm sorry your pregnancy comes at such a difficult time. My husband and I were in our mid-20's when we got married, and it was mostly a long distance relationship so we wanted to have several years of "us" time before a baby came along. So of course I accidentally got pregnant about a month before our first anniversary. I was sulky and disappointed, and mad at myself, and knew that none of it was what I had had in mind. However, I also knew I did want to have children, and that the universe had given me one, and my husband and I decided to make the best of it. We too were in an apartment, and money was tight. It was certainly a risk, but I'm so glad we decided to have our daughter. She turned 21 yesterday and we're so close. Nothing can prepare you for how much you will love your baby. And nothing can prepare you for how you will feel after an abortion-- some women seem able to take it in stride, and for others it is much more deep and complicated. You are at a good age to have a baby - wiser than those in their 20's, but in better health than people approaching 40. If you want to have a second or third, you won't be too old. And he is on the younger side, but I don't think it matters once you get past a certain age. If the woman is younger, or shorter, or makes less money, no one seems to care. There are double standards about a lot of things these days, but they don't ultimately matter.

The reasons you've listed to have the baby seem like very rock-solid ones. Great parents, cozy dwelling, good finances, a desire for a child. You have so many more things going for you than many surprise pregnancies do. And as you say, there's never a perfect time to have a baby. It sounds like you and your man are a good couple who love each other, and I hope that you'll be able to think this decision through with a clear mind and heart. I wish you the best whatever you decide.