I’m just so confused and I don’t know who or where to turn to..

[user1475960680]

Hi everyone, this is going to be a long one, there’s so many factors and I just don’t know what to do, my heads all over the place and I just need some advice or something…
Okay here goes, I’m 28, a single mum to my beautiful 5 year old and I’ve been with my current partner for about 4 months, I’d known him prior to that as friends for about 3 years. He’s amazing, we’ve had our little disagreements here and there but the way we resolve things maturely like adults is what matters. It’s unlike any other relationship I’ve been in and we’ve dropped the L bomb 😍 things were great and then I found out I was pregnant…
So a little backstory, my ex partner who I was with for 2 years, we were trying to conceive, from the start of the relationship I had issues with my periods, going 6/7 months without a period, I had to get my tubes unblocked and I was diagnosed with pcos and Adenemyosis, my gynaecologist basically said I wasn’t ovulating and I’d need to try a medication (can’t remember the name) or possibly ivf, during that time the struggle to conceive, the heartbreaks, the false positives broke our hearts. On top of that, all of the cramps and aches from my Adenemyosis just sent me into deep depression. In the end, it proved too much on our relationship and we agreed to separate.
I spent a year on myself, went to therapy, lost weight and to my surprise my periods came back, my gynaecologist tested for ovulation again and I still wasn’t ovulating, but at the time I wasn’t thinking about trying to conceive anymore, I was single and my focus was me and my daughter. When the time was right, with the right person, I would jump this hurdle of taking this medication to see if I would ever have a chance at having more kids. I simply just presumed that my chances at conceiving were non existent and I had also dealt with this at therapy.
So fast forward to today, and the shock of finding out I was pregnant nearly made me collapse. I took 6 tests, waiting for the world to just snap back into place and this being a dream.
Now, we used condoms, I didn’t want to put my body through anything more with contraception on top of everything else, he was okay with that, I explained to him why and about my conditions and we used condoms.
During our relationship, we’ve spoken about kids, marriage etc, and we were starting to just plan our lives together, currently he’s helping me with setting up a business. He believes in me, I believe in him and it’s one of the many reasons I love him. But that was our focus, setting ourselves up, he’s currently working away in Manchester whilst I’m in London and we’re making it work.
But back to being pregnant, he’s told me he doesn’t want the baby, wants me to have an abortion, he thinks his family won’t accept me or the baby and he knows we won’t be accepted but if we just wait 3/4 months then we can try for a baby and then it will be fine… at least I know I can get pregnant now?…
He also said if I can’t have a baby again, he’ll pay for IVF…..
He also says in the same breathe he feels heartless because of my conditions and understands if I’d want to keep the baby.
I trust him, I love him.

But, I’m stuck, I’m toying with myself on whether I’m going to regret having an abortion, no, this baby wasn’t planned but I’m pregnant. I never saw myself with the possibility of being a single mum again, I wanted to have my next children, if I was able to, with someone I love, married to and settled with. I feel so stupid for being careless but I’m just confused at the fact I’m even pregnant in the first place, I thought this couldn’t happen? My gynaecologist said I was having periods but not ovulating, how is this possible?
I just need a sign, there’s a huge huge part of me that feels I will regret this and I’ve started to even imagine being pregnant, he tells me one minute he wants the baby then the next he doesn’t. My head is just so drained from thinking about this. What if I have the abortion and then I really can’t have kids again naturally? This would break me.
What if I don’t have the abortion and our amazing relationship falters? I would also be broken..
If I were to be a single mum, I have the means, I’m in a well paid job, have my own house and when it comes down to financially I know I wouldn’t struggle but it’s everything else, the emotional support, being excited together, going to appointments, preparing together.. that’s the way I really wanted it to be.. I just don’t know what to do..
Please help me 😢😢

Hello dear, I'm sorry that you're in such a hard situation right now. Several things stand out to me from your post - you very much want another baby, and it might be very hard to conceive in the future. Like you said, this might be a "miracle baby" because you didn't even think you were ovulating (doctors can be wrong, or your body can suddenly change). I really don't see how waiting three or four months could change the whole situation. And if his family disapproves initially, there's a good chance they could come around. It's easy to disapprove of a "situation" (unplanned pregnancy) but hard to disapprove of a lovely little baby or grandbaby. Opinions often change once the theoretical becomes real. And you and your partner have known each other a long time, it sounds like you're really close. It's so sad that he's not joyful about the news that you two have created a child together - that would really hurt me too, to be told you need to end the pregnancy. But if you know that you would be mourning the loss of this little one, this is a time you need to be assertive and say "I know we can make this work." It's wonderful that you have the means to provide, and usually the father has to contribute whether he likes it or not, depending on the country you live.

No one can choose for you, but in my mind-- you want another baby, and you have another baby, against all odds. I think you will love this baby and be grateful you gave life to him or her. It's natural to be scared when an unplanned pregnancy comes along - your partner might just be really anxious, especially if he keeps going back and forth. You might need to be the strong one in this situation and hope that your love can pass this storm. Wishing you all the best!

I agree with OrigamiSnowball, and I think if his family can't accept you and your baby, they probably aren't people you'd have wanted in your lives anyway.

Thank you both for your replies, sadly, I started miscarrying on Tuesday. I’m completely broken and have found it a struggle just to get out of bed.. but I’m trying to push though, my partner is being really supportive, he had actually started coming round to the idea and admitted he was just panicking so this is heartbreaking for both of us. I never thought i would see those words on the test and then it did, now I just feel so empty.. this does get better right?
I’m in a new job and it’s an office job but there is the option to work from home if you are sick. They know about my miscarriage and I took Thursday and Friday off. But I just don’t feel ready, so I think I’m going to work from
home today. I’m crying all the time and I don’t even have the motivation to eat, my partner is really worried about me but the only thing keeping me going right now is my daughter.

Oh no, what a sad turn of events, you have my deepest sympathy for your miscarriage. I'm glad that you are taking time off and giving yourself the space you need to mourn this loss. Glad your partner is being sensitive and supportive as well. Like you said, your five-year-old needs you, so try to eat small meals, go outside, cry, do whatever you need to and slowly the sense of normalcy will come back, but you will always carry your lost baby in your heart. Take good care of yourself 💙