Putting baby up for adoption

[Bakedpotatos]

I'm having a really hard time at the moment, mentally I'm screwed. Haven't left the house in weeks and I feel my antidepressants are no longer working. May just be a phase but I'm looking into my options.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and my partner of nearly a decade has turned on me, started giving me severe verbal and mental abuse as I haven't been able to get hold of him recently. For some reason he's suddenly triggered if I question why he's been quiet and not texting me anymore, and my gut feeling is telling me there's another women involved. So I'm going at it as a single mum.

Financially I'm also screwed, I've never been able to find a job due to my mental health illnesses and I'm on DLA (not PIP) so I'll have to go onto universal credit. I have savings but not enough to last me and my ex is also jobless and doesn't have any money at all so not sure how that would work regarding to CMS.

Yesterday I had a breakdown, I cried for 9 hours straight to the point I gave myself a nosebleed and made myself sick from how much I cried. I'm a failure. I still live at home, 24, haven't experienced anything in life and I haven't got anything to offer this baby. At the beginning I was excited but then reality hit that it won't work. I had a private gender scan at 18 weeks just because I had a hard time finding a way to get on the system. But other than that I've had no antinatal care so I believe social services will be inclined towards taking baby away as they'll see me unfit.

So at the moment I'm looking into long term foster or adoption. But looking online it seems it's really uncommon to go through the adoption route and there's very little information on it. Where would I start?

Please no judgement I'm so lost right now

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault or your babies. Get rid of the maniac whose giving you abuse. What sort of human being treats a pregnant woman as such. Honestly get rid of him and give yourself a chance.

Have you got any help from family? It's fine to live at home. I'm not sure why people find it embarrassing but there's nothing to be ashamed about. Can you ring your doctor and let them know you're pregnant please. They'll refer you to be a midwife who will be supportive.

Depression isn't great in pregnancy it's like a cloud over your ahead. You never know you may change your mind once baby arrives.

Oh love, I'm so sorry for all your heartache and pain. That's really rare, to find someone who has been with the same boyfriend from age 14 to 24. I'm shocked that he started treating you badly, you two must know each other so well, you'd think he would at least have some respect for you after all you have been through over the years. He should be ashamed for treating you that way. A few thoughts-- it's not shameful to be living at home at age 24, or even 34. It's very hard to make a living these days and many people just can't afford it, especially on their own. If you have not left the house in weeks and you feel like your medicine is not working, of course you're going to feel like you're going crazy. Even taking walks outside is enough to make a person feel not so cooped up- to remember there is a whole world outside the walls of our home or flat. And usually social services is NOT in a hurry to take children away from their parents. Typically this only happens in cases of serious abuse or neglect, and it does not sound like that would apply to you. Is your family going to help you with the baby? Can they provide any child care in case you were able to find a job? Please don't say you have nothing to offer your child, your love is the main thing any parent can give to their son or daughter. If you genuinely don't feel ready and are interested in allowing another family to adopt your baby, that is a loving choice as well. You can call an adoption agency in your area and talk to them about the possibility of adoption and they'd be able to let you know what it would entail. And like heartbroken22 said, it's not too late to call your doctor and make an appointment. I think anything that makes you feel not so alone with your pregnancy will help. It's okay to cry when you feel overwhelmed, but making a list of things you can do to help yourself, or figuring out what your options are, will go farther to helping yourself find some real peace. Hope to hear back from you, you sound like you have a genuinely good heart.

Antenatal depression is a recognised condition OP so if you already had depression it seems as if it’s got worse in pregnancy.
please don’t feel like you need to make any long term decisions until you’ve got medical support for your depression. Please ring your GP and let them know you are pregnant and need to be referred to the antenatal mental health services and also a midwife appointment. Some of the best NHS care is reserved for pregnant women and babies so you will be fast tracked. Just focus on this to start with and when you have support you can look at the longer term options. As other posters have said, you need to end it with your partner as they are being verbally abusive. I’d go no contact with them for the time being. Good luck - you can do this OP. Also I lived at home at 30 - no shame at all in it. I wasn’t there forever and neither will you be. You are only 24 - your whole life is ahead of you x

Thank you for your replies. I've finally told my family and I've been given notice to find elsewhere to live as they don't want a relationship with me or baby. First thing they said was why didn't you abort. I don't even know where to start. My partner is still refusing to tell his family so not sure where they stand in regards to whether they want a relationship with baby or not. So at the moment I'm completely lost and don't know where I'll end up. Most likely hostel accommodation or mother and baby unit from what I've read. I'm so scared

Hang in there, girl. Your family may have been upset and made a quick decision out of anger, there's a chance they will change their minds. It's hard to stay mad once the baby comes and there is a beautiful new grandchild. And if you know your partner's family, there's nothing to stop you from contacting them to see how supportive they would be. But if you are thinking adoption is still your best route, you can reach out to an adoption agency at any time to start the process. There is always a waiting list for newborns. If you let me know the general area you live in, I can try to help you find a reputable agency. I'm so sorry your family was harsh with you. You have been living with this huge secret for over five months, I can't imagine what that has been like for you. This should have been happy news and they were so cruel to you. You will have to decide what is best for you and best for your baby. Hope to hear back from you and I'll be thinking about you, dear.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but like the poster said hang on...you're so strong and brave for dealing with this. Don't give up your baby because of the pressure you feel from others. You can do this. Have you got any friends or other family you can reach out to?

Have you contacted your doctors so that they can get a midwife in touch? I promise they will help loads...

Living at home at 24, being pregnant at 24 or not having a job at 24 doesn't make you a failure. You are just trying to figure it out. I am so, so sorry to hear about what is happening with your family and your partner, crying is a necessary release when you have so much going on so please be kind to yourself.

I would get in touch with social services and see what they have to say, I wouldn't assume that you are 'unfit' but even if at 24 you do make the choice about fostering or adoption, just the fact that you are thinking about what is best for your child means you are being so courageous already. I applaud you for this. Sending lots of love and well wishes your way, you will need to think about what is best for you and your baby, trust your intuition.

@Bakedpotatos I have just come across your thread. I really hope you have been able to contact your GP, both for antenatal care and to discuss your mood. I hope you are OK. It is obviously your choice what you do, but it sounds like you have a lot to offer your baby. I assume you must have contacted your GP by now, but please please do if you have not, for the safety of you and your baby. Also once the baby is born, if you do keep them, I would recommend checking if you have a HomeStart in your local area, they are a brilliant organisation who support new mothers in lots of areas of the UK.

Hi, thank you for the reply. Much has changed over the last few months, I've got myself somewhere to live with my partner who has been absolutely brilliant. He's been taking me to every single appointment. Unfortunately looks like I may have pre enclampsia so have been going in several times per week, and I'm now at just over 34 weeks they're talking about induction for 3 weeks time. I've been discharged from my doctor as my mental health has stabilised (although something we'll be keeping an eye on as don't want to fall into PPD). It's all been very stressful but we can't wait until he's here and there's no way I could go through with adoption now, it doesn't even cross my mind!

@Bakedpotatos thank you for the update. I am so pleased your mental wellbeing has improved and you are so excited about your pregnancy. Also that you are being monitored for your physical health too. I know a few babies born at 37 weeks by induction and all are doing really well now as toddlers. Good luck with it all

This is my first time on this page this week and I have been looking for a letter like yours as I'm struggling I had to put my son up for adoption and it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life I'm 43 and had him at 40 and just became a gran and I don't even know what my granddaughter is called as my daughter doesn't talk to me anyway if you do go ahead always know you gave up your happiness so your child could have a better life and it was out of love ❤️ as I have only started to tell myself that but I won't lie it's such a hard thing to do hard isn't even a word for it, I was in a volient relationship and that was why I was made to make the decision your still young and the world 🌎 is at your feet go and do everything and anything you can in life and I'm talking from experience I've never been abroad or done all the things I wanted to do, your child will get intouch with you I'd that's what you want when it's old enough and hopefully appreciate the fact you gave it a life you couldn't at the time and I get to write to my son and I've gave him a memory box to let him know that I did and do love him so you can still keep intouch and if you do it voluntary it goes better for you I really hope you can make your mind up and not punish yourself as your doing enough of that just now and depprecion is such a hard thing to go through I've been going through it for 20 years so I know exactly how you're feeling please look after yourself

I've just saw your text and I'm so happy for you that things have changed so be strong as you sound like you are