To decide that parenting a disabled child isn't for me

[Whatchoice]

Just that. I don't think it's right for me. It's not a good fit for my family.

I hear you. I think I understand your post. It's relentless and soul destroying. But you carry on.

Is the child already here ?

What is your context? Are you pregnant with a diagnosis of something? If you want meaningful responses you need to give some info.

There’s a section called pregnancy choices where posters sometimes post about terminations for medical reasons. That may possibly be a more supportive place for your post rather than AIBU?

is it something you have a choice about?

More information required OP.

Tell me you're a a wind up merchant without telling me you're a wind up merchant. You go first.

Only you can decide that and no one has the right to judge you for making that decision.

One of those amazing cryptic Fucking annoying posts.

Thanks @SummerHouse - you're kind and I think you do understand

Why does it make a difference if the child is already here?

Not a good fit ???

I have a disabled child and would never have expected it to happen to me but it is what it is ..

What a weird post !

Not cryptic at all to me - you don't really have a choice about parenting a disabled child, it's pretty disingenous to imagine there is a choice.

The only assured thing about it is you'll probably be parenting an adult child too until you become so old you lose the capacity to parent at all. And then die hoping they'll get the support they need when you're gone.

See, it's quite simple, and not cryptic at all.

I think you probably also understand @TheHateIsNotGood and you're right about the idea of 'choice' being disingenuous.

I have no idea why this has been moved to pregnancy choices. This is a different conversation and this board is probably inappropriate.

It's probably because you were so cryptic and refused to answer about whether your child is here, or whether you are pregnant with a foetus with a serious diagnosis. The mods have had to make a best guess and it looks like they have settled on the latter being most likely, but apparently that is not the case?

But one of the points I am interested in is what difference it makes whether I am pregnant or have a child already? If the salient issue is how I feel about my ability to parent a disabled child, the answer is the same.

Perhaps if you were less cryptic in the first place?
If you are pregnant then you do have a choice, however unpalatable that may be.
Clearly someone has interpreted your posy in that way.
And even if the child is here, you still have choices.
I'm an adoptive parent, I know several adopters who have children that their birth parents did not feel they could keep.Its much rarer now but it does happen.
My son has autism, I'm not without some of my own experience with this.
But yes there are choices

Do you think the majority of parents of disabled children choose to parent a disabled child? Most disabilities are cause by incidents/accidents/negligence at birth (physical disabilities) and as such not much in the way of choice. You just get on with it.

But surely it matters a great deal....

If you're not pregnant, you need to have a think about whether parenting is for you.... you don't get to decide which child rocks up at the end of pregnancy. Yes, some conditions might be picked up during and offer the option of a termination should you wish but other conditions wouldn't present til birth. Or what about hidden disabilities?

If you are pregnant, is it anxiety about the possibility of disabilities and the massive change in lifestyle any baby brings. Or have you found out about a disability while you're pregnant and now facing your options?

If you already have the child and you're struggling, it's time to look for support in any form it's available.

Whatchoice your thread got moved to Pregnancy Choices whilst I was writing my post.

You didn't ask for your thread to be movd so why was/ should it have been moved? For whatever reason it was moved, probably a knee-jerk reaction, it's also not very nice for the Pregnancy Choice Board readers who might not want to read such an In Your Face thread from AIBU at such a sensitive point in their lives.

It makes a difference whether the child is here or not because your post seems to suggest you're seriously thinking about terminating a pregnancy because you can't cope with the thought of having a disabled child. That will be why it has been moved to this board. Obviously people don't know how to respond because they can't tell what your situation or even your point is.

Your title is offensive IMO as it suggests having a disabled child is some kind of choice that you can just think 'nah, not for me' and so not have happen to you. With all the scans in the world there can still be something 'wrong' with your baby. The only way to be sure not to have a baby with any sort of disability is to not have one. But you later seem to imply you have a disabled child by saying that there is no choice - as if you are already in that position.

You also can not have any idea whether a child is going to be the 'right fit' for you family until it is here and growing up. Your child could have ADHD and never sleep, or ASD and be in a constant state of being over whelmed or any other myriad of issues. Or they could have no disability but hate their sibling and constantly fight or be bullied at school and develop anorexia or have mental health issues as a teenager due to being a perfectionist. There are endless things that can 'go wrong' with a child. But at the end of the day it's not the child's fault that they were born and all we can as parents is our best.

(Mine has ASD)

Saying it's not a good fit for your family makes it sound as if you have bought the wrong car or something. If you are struggling with a situation you are in why not just say that? Why have this theoretical discussion about "choice"? If you are in a situation and need help, ask MNers for their wisdom because someone here is bound to have felt as you do. Someone will have wisdom or experience or expertise . I'm concerned because I knew a woman who was outwardly "coping" with disabled DC but it ended very badly because she felt there was no "choice" and everyone expected her just to "cope", day in and day out. If you need help please ask for it. If you aren't in a good place ask here how to get the support you need, or make the changes you need to make. I mean this kindly.

I genuinely don't know what you are looking for op? What sort of discussion/responses do you want?

I fear I am too simple and direct to be of any use here.

If you are pregnant you can abort . If the child is here you suck it up and get on with it or have it adopted ..

Your wording is so weird and I'm not easily offended at all!

Nobody wants this life 🙄🙄