To abort 3rd?

[Changernamerjoker]

We have a 9 year old, soon to be 10 and a 4 year old soon to be 4.

our kids are our world, but they didn’t sleep (3.5 years first and 4 years second) so it’s been a long decade and it HAS taken a toll on our marriage. It feels like the fog is just lifting.

my husband earns around 350-550k a year depending on bonus and is on 200k salary. He is likely moving to a new firm in the near ish future which will come with substantial financial gains. We have about 240k cash in the bank, trying to decide what to do with that, We live in a 1.3m house with 5 bedrooms, I work through choice but don’t need to (we do have a fairly big mortgage about 63%ltv) I’m explaining all this to let you know our circumstances not to gloat, (I grew up with very little) I know we have considerably more than most.

I found out I’m pregnant and my husband wants me to abort.

I became pregnant about 18 months after we had our youngest circa 2019, and I was sent to an abortion clinic to find in relief I was miscarrying. I really hate the idea of abortion for me, although to am pro choice. I would far rather miscarry than abort, feels like nature is taking the choice out of my hands.

My husband promised to get a vasectomy after the last pregnancy but never has despite our private medical insurance.

I clearly didn’t handle the miscarried well, and it was largely never spoken about after it happened. About 6 weeks later I went out and got a puppy… I can’t help but feel there is something in that. (the dog is very well looked after and loved)

I am very very hesitant about a 3rd, if we went through the sleep issues again I’m not sure we’d survive it. I suffer terrible post partum anxiety and our last baby was 7 weeks premature, thankfully all has been fine but this is a serious concern. We’d have an under 5 for 15 years due to age gaps and I can appreciate my husband feeling this is too much, he is ready to move on (we are still mid thirties)

Despite how difficult I think 3 would be, this time round we can afford help, we can afford night nanny’s and day time help and support we’ve not had before. He doesn’t really think this is an option.

i feel that abortion is a huge decision for people to make, and I’m my position I have to question whether it’s moral? A part of me would love this baby and being pregnant with all the hormones makes this an incredibly difficult choice.

my husband will resent me if I go ahead, I’ll resent him if we don’t. How do we get through this?

I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this position having to make an impossible choice.
I've just (2 days ago) had an abortion for what would have been our 3rd child & whilst it is such a personal decision one question I did find it helpful to ask myself is 'what would a 3rd child give you that 2 doesn't?'. There's no right or wrong answer but it really helped me to focus on what it might have been about a 3rd child that I wanted. In the end I concluded that it was actually more the enjoyment of pregnancy, sense of excitement & the newborn cuddly stage that was making me want to keep it but there were a million more reasons why it just wasn't right for us (not just me but our whole family).

I was fortunate that both my husband & myself were of the same opinion but really empathise with you having differing opinions & not sure how you best work through that aside from talking as much as you need to. Have you got any idea how many weeks you are? If not too far you have a little time to make a choice.

I don't regret it & I feel completely back to normal after less than 48 hours (went for a surgical rather than medical termination). I absolutely felt guilt about our choice, battled with my emotions about whether it was the right thing to do but I knew deep down it was, I think there's a lot to be said for your gut feeling & following it - it's usually the right choice for you.

I can't make a choice for you but feel free to offload or ask any questions if I can be helpful 😊

"my husband will resent me if I go ahead, I’ll resent him if we don’t."
This to me suggests you want to keep the baby despite the hurdles you mention (sleep, etc). If that is your leaning then I would be very wary that having an abortion to satisfy your husband may lead to regret and pain further down the line. You absolutely get the casting vote here.

In your shoes, being very comfortable financially, I'd be throwing money at everything possible (night nanny is an excellent idea) to make life easier if you had the baby.

Hi Changer, how are you doing? Just because your first two babies were not good sleepers, that doesn't mean your third would be the same way. If colic or another condition is causing the sleep trouble, maybe there is a treatment, medicine, or natural remedy that could help. And like you said, you can always hire help if it is needed. Or if you are not working right now, you can get up with the baby at night while your husband sleeps. I had a futon in my daughter's room and would just spend the night in there with her sometimes when it was a rough night. Despite all that, it's important that your husband understands how you are feeling. Sometimes men are more "head-thinking" and women are more "heart-thinking" at least that's the way it is in my marriage. Men may think more of the where, what, and when, and women are thinking of the feelings and the consequences if they choose to abort. You already said you were glad you did not have to abort in the past which sounds like you know it would be painful for you to make such a choice. Since you have the finances to handle another baby, maybe you and your husband could agree to have one more and he schedules the vasectomy this time so this is the last surprise, guaranteed. I hope you'll be able to make a choice that brings you peace. I know several families whose youngest child was an "oops" baby, and it's impossible to imagine that family without them. Sometimes blessings come in disguise. All my best to you!

Wanted to update on here.

it’s taken me a couple of weeks but I’m not going to go ahead. I’m currently 7 weeks and 3 days and will be having a medical abortion by post in the next few days. I am sad but at peace with it.

I know my limitations and the error was getting pregnant in the first place. For the sake of my existing children (who I adore) I know I can’t go ahead. I know them and us and what we need and it’s not this. So I’m going to go ahead as quickly as possible as I think that’s important.

thanks for the support and chat.

Thanks for updating us, sounds like you've made a really rational & considered decision that you feel is right for yourself & your family. Glad you feel at peace with it, it's such a hard decision & emotions change all the time.

Hope the process goes well once you receive the tablets & you recover as quickly & easily as possible.

Sending you a big hug

Good evening ; did you go ahead with it when it arrived in the post ? We’re you ok after .

I hope you're okay.

I went ahead. I would have been 11/12 weeks now. I regret it terribly. I should have Kept the baby and got rid of the husband.

if you have an abortion because your husband wants you to have one, should you:

a, day after be basically back to the usually routine?

b, never able to discuss it?

c, be allowed to be sad?

d, I regret this more than I could ever tell you and I wish I had got rid of the husband and Kept my viable beautiful baby. I have raised the other two beautiful two solo, I would have been fine. Pregnancy hormones make you doubt yourself. I’d have been more than ok.

This is so sad 😞
sorry you regret your abortion so much . It’s a terrible thing to go through.

Hey...I want to hold your hand and tell you it's okay...I felt exactly the same but remember you've done it for the sake of your kids otherwise it would have been very hard on you and them. Forget the husband. I did it for myself and my daughters especially the 1 year old. I would have neglected her. Now that she's a bit older and 5-6 months later I'm pregnant again and it the same emotions but I'm coping with accepting the pregnancy better...and have told husband to help me...I do regret that termination but I look at my one year old and remind myself it would have been impossible...I was so fragile...pregnancy makes you vulnerable...

I'm so sorry. A few posters on here have mentioned this helpline is really supportive and non-judgemental. Just leaving it here in case you feel like talking to someone. www.archtrust.org.uk/

I was/am in the same position as you. Terrible trauma. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Hope you’re okay OP xxxx