Should I have the abortion?

[Anonymous658]

Hi,

I’ve never posted before but feel so unsure in my decision that I feel I needed some help in deciding anonymously. Apologies for the long post.

I found out I was pregnant around two weeks ago, I am now six weeks pregnant. Myself and partner were not trying to have a baby, and were using condoms although obviously not effective. We are both 26 and have been together since we were 13. We have a very good relationship, both in full time employment and just bought our own house.

We had plans over the next two years to go travelling, purchase a van and do some renovations to our new house. I also am trying to look for a new job as I am just not happy in my current role. When I found out I was pregnant, I initially felt shocked but happy. I then spoke to my partner, his instant reaction was that he does not feel ready to be a dad.

We have spoke about it a lot since, and he says that ultimately it is my decision as it is my body, and that he would support me either way. At no point do I feel he would abandon or resent me based on the decision I make. The problem I have is there seems to be a lot of practical issues with having a baby now rather than waiting a few years. For instance, I am not sure what we would do about childcare when I had to return to work - we have no family close, and childcare costs are insane. I am also worried about us struggling financially, we would go from being quite carefree about money to having to tighten our belts considerably. We have not travelled much, and I worry this will be near impossible with a child.

I did have an appointment with BPAS and they have sent the medical abortion pack. However I have had it a week, and every time I think about taking it I panic. I feel like something is stopping me. I can’t help but think about the love we would have for this baby, and maybe I’m being naive in thinking we could overcome the above obstacles mentioned. I also feel that if I was to abort it, I might regret it and don’t feel mentally strong enough for that.

Im a total loss, I keep flip flopping on whatever decision I make and it is driving me crazy. I haven’t spoken to any family or friends about it as feel they wouldn’t understand the dilemma I am facing.

Any words of wisdom appreciated.

There will never be a time in your life when everything is perfect and ready for a baby. If it was all perfect… you’d be worried about a baby messing things up!

However, there will be some things you realistically can’t do with a baby. Travelling, for eg. You could, if you were desperate, but it would be a mega slog.

Of course this is a hard decision. But when I weighed up my surprise baby, I thought about what I’d be prepared to give up, not what I’d want to have first. I had planned to spend a year abroad. Would I be prepared to give that up?

My answer was yes, so I kept her. But for now, if another accident happens I am not prepared to give up my new job or my comfortable relationship with DD as an only, so I wouldn’t be keeping it. It’s less about setting up ready for baby, in my eyes. It’s if you want one- would you be happy with the sacrifices you would have to make now?

It is possible to travel with a baby - probably one of the easier times as they are super portable and have no opinions on how the day will be!
There is never the perfect time to have a baby. Listen to your gut instinct- which from what you write is telling you to have this baby.
Your partner will be fine. Many men are shocked when they find out their partner is pregnant. It’s like they can’t believe it’s happened - but they are ok. He can look after you and the baby. And he should!
good luck!

I had my first at 25 in not dissimilar circumstances. On the plus side was that we managed ok financially, it did disrupt my career at the time, but now 20 years on I'm free from childcare and able to throw myself into work while many of my peers still have young kids, I had lots of energy and my kids feel I'm more in touch than older parents might be, and my parents got to be young grandparents. On the downside, I split with their dad so they've had to deal with moving between separated parents, and they had to move schools due to a house move needed for them to get their own rooms. And of course, I had them and they're fantastic kids. It's likely you'd be able to have kids in a few years instead but never 100% certain. I kind of felt that you never really know what life's going to throw at you in the future so if something is really important to you, better to do it sooner rather than later.

All I would say is there is no wrong choice - all you can do is decide what’s right for you now.

It sounds like it’s possible for you to have a baby, so the question is, do you want to.

Realistically you probably won’t go travelling with a baby, but on the other hand if you have kids in your 20s, by the time you are 50 they will be grown and you could go off then.

The child care issue does need some thinking about, could you work PT to keep your hand in?

Do remember that if you don’t start a family now you can do it later.

To be blunt: if he doesn't want it, and you go ahead....you will be doing it alone. You can't hold on to a man who doesn't want a baby, he can run and hide so easily.

Make whatever decision you want, but don't imagine all decisions are equal.

You will 100% get over any obstacles. I know it may seem daunting, but it will all fall I to place once the baby is here. You have 2 options, firstly carry on the pregnancy, although earlier than you had planned and you'll fall in love with the baby, it's impossible not to. Secondly have a termination which you may regret and is something you'll never be able change once its done. You are at a great age, are in a committed relationship with good financial stability, I think the circumstances are close to perfect. Remember you have 9 months for you and your partner to get used to being a mummy and daddy. I had my daughter at 32 and I'm now 36 and had my son this year, I have also been with my partner for 20 years! Do you know what we regret most, it's not having children sooner.

I'm so sorry you're facing such decision, I know from experience that it's a very hard decision to make. Your partner is right to say that it should be your decision as it's you who will have to face the consequences. You have your reasons to have an abortion and I respect it. I also had my reasons, I already had children, unfortunately I didn't feel any bond with the baby when I was pregnant and my husband didn't want another child. Well-wishers advised me to terminate due to my age, counsellors said it was ok to do it. So I had a termination and I immediately regretted it. I would do anything to turn the time back and keep the baby. What nobody had told me is that after abortion I would immediately feel love for the baby. Nobody told me that in my mind I would still become a mum to another child, child that I killed. Nobody told me about the guilt, sadness and regret I would feel. Nobody told me that a part of me would die with the baby. It might not be the same for you, you might be able to carry on as normal as thousands of other women. Unfortunately it is not the case for me and there's other ladies out there who regret their decision. I'm not saying this to make your decision any more difficult. I admire you for asking this question before it's too late. I wish I had, and I wish someone had told me everything I now know. I hope you make the right decision for you and your partner and that you find peace with whatever decision make. Wishing you all the best x

This is very moving and really good advice. I'm sorry for what you have been through.

From what you said I don't think you should have an abortion. You've got a strong foundation together, no one is ready for a baby really. It's positive that you are weighing it up seriously though. It's a long term adjustment putting a baby's needs before your own.

Whatever you choose be kind to yourself, each other.

Obviously your decision but in contrast to others can I say that I had an abortion at 25 and have never regretted it for a minute.

I am now 57 with 2 adult DC, born when I was ready and had done lots.

Two friends had abortions about the same time and they feel the same.

Not everyone who has an abortion regrets it.

I was in this situation but I was 20 when I found out i was pregnant, and in a much less stable relationship/financial situation. We decided to keep the baby.

I’m not going to pretend it isn’t hard, but I’m so glad we made this choice. He’s nearly 4 now and I finished my degree just before having him. I’ve managed to build a good career and I’m moving to another god job soon. Logistically it’s hard, but it’s hard at any age. If you want children one day those difficulties don’t go away with age. Dp and I worked on our relationship and now we’re in the best place we’ve ever been. We haven’t been able to travel, but we’ve found our joy in other things, and we trust that we have our entire lives to do a bit of travelling here and there rather than condensing it into a year or two.

You can still fulfil your goals with children, but it’s harder. It’s up to you what makes sense in your life and what is most important to you. I just wanted to point out that sometimes unplanned children don’t have to be the worst thing.

I agree with many of the thoughts here. Nothing can prepare you for how much you will love your baby. You two have been together for most of your lives! You must have a very deep relationship, one that can weather any storm. I sympathize with your situation because I got pregnant unintentionally after being married less than a year, and there was so much we wanted to do too. But I'm so glad we had our daughter, she's the light of our lives. And there is always time for that other stuff, like vacations, later in life. When you start your family young, you have more time with your children, they have more time with you, and you have more time with any grandchildren who come along. I hope you will take a chance on this baby, your lives will never be the same (in a good way!)

💯

Yes, it is the love for your child which it is vital to take into account.

I think you are right to hesitate to use that pack.

If you need reassurance about being able to navigate the practicalities with a child - it always seems to work out somehow, and you're in a great position with your own home. You would certainly be able to make it work.

I think it may well be safer to go with your instincts rather than against them.

Thank you so much for sharing this - I have come across this thread as I’m in exactly the same position as the person who asked the question and you’ve answered some of the questions that no body has been able to for me so far. Thank you x