Scared and confused

[Confusedmama2]

Hi all,
I recently found out I’m pregnant with second child and I am devastated. I always wanted a second but decided a month after another mc I didn’t want anymore, I booked appointment at gp to go back on the pill (took test as they always ask). I have fertility problems and getting pregnant with my first took years. I really don’t know what to do, Im so angry with myself for getting pregnant in the first place (we only had sex once). My partner doesn’t agree with termination, he’s not a hands on dad and everything is left down to me to sort (he doesn’t work, he has severe health anxiety and barley leaves the house), he hasn’t taken our first child to school for years and actually doesn’t even know the way to school! I tried talking to him about how I was feeling and his reply was “So? You’re a woman, get over it” I have some MH problems and can feel myself sinking back in to depression. I don’t have any family or friends close by to help or for me to talk to irl. I’ve given myself a week to think things over (still early, around 4/5 weeks) I don’t know what is wrong with me and I feel so awful thinking the way I am. I don’t know if I would regret having a termination or how I would cope with the guilt but I also don’t want to resent the baby when it’s here. I know my child would love a sibling although there would be quite a large age gap but that doesn’t feel like a good enough reason. A couple of months ago I would of been ecstatic to see two lines now I just feel dread, I don’t know what’s changed in me but I hate feeling this way. I’m so confused, can anyone give me any advice? Has anyone else been through this?

Hi OP.

I didn't want to read and run and I'm sure someone else will be along soon with some better advice. I have had a termination but not for the same reasons. Your partner doesn't sounds very supportive at all, if you kept the baby how do you feel about being a single parent? His comments about you being a woman and therefore to get over it are absolutely horrible. FYI I believe any reason is good enough for choosing termination, simply "i don't want to be pregnant right now" is good enough. If you make contact with an abortion provider they can offer pre-abortion counselling which may help.
💐for you.

Thank you for your reply, I have thought about been a single parent to 2 and while i think it would be fine as a lot of other people manage I would much rather be a single parent of 1. Money is quite tight as it is and I can’t breastfeed due to medication so it would be another expense to my already growing debt. Me and my first are really close and I don’t want something to come in between that but I grew up with 2 siblings and even though we don’t live close we do talk most days so I worry she will miss out on that. I had a rough pregnancy with my first, she almost died so that’s worrying me too. My head is all over the place, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have another, other then it bringing a lot of stress, I don’t know how or even if another would enhance our little family. I have an appointment next week with my therapist, I just don’t want to leave it too late before I make my mind up

So sorry Confusedmama, sounds like you're going through a lot right now. It sounds like you might be at peace with having another baby if you knew you had help you could depend on. Is it possible to sit down with your partner and let him know what you would need from him in order to make things manageable for you? I'm sure he could be doing more, maybe he can come with you to the therapist and you can both talk about your needs now and in the months to come. If you don't plan on staying with him, that's a whole other conversation. Like you, I'm close with my siblings and am glad I have them to help me get through life's challenges, and especially now that my parents are getting older, we can all help out. I don't think you would resent the baby, or lose the closeness you have with your current child. Maybe your therapist can help you figure out which of your feelings are just natural anxiety, and which are problems that can be sorted out. If you would have been very happy to be pregnant a short while ago, you want to figure out what changed so you don't make a decision you'll deeply regret - it happens far too often, especially when you're scared and just want the confusing situation to go away. All my best to you.

Hi, thank you for your reply. Yes I’ve tried speaking to him but he doesn’t see why things should change or why he should have to help out more. The relationship is a little rocky and I don’t know what the future holds for us, he is a part time alcoholic and seems to be spiralling out of control with his drinking (drinking to the point of wetting himself) but won’t admit he has a problem, he is seeking help for his anger and other MH problems although I’m not holding out much hope he will ever really change, he has a lot of narcissistic traits. After considering everything I have decided to go through with a termination, I haven’t told my partner yet though. He has already said if I decided to go down that route he would tell my first that I killed her little sibling.

I'm so sorry that he is in denial about his problems. He should not be avoiding his problems with alcohol, and it's sad that you and your daughter would ever see him like that. I will never forget losing my favorite uncle when I was 8 years old. He was so cool-- motorcycle, tattoos, loved sci-fi, but he was an alcoholic, ruined his liver and died from it. I wish he was alive now, he and my husband would have gotten along so well and had much in common. Sorry about the tangent - I don't know what mental health issues your man has, but maybe he needs an ultimatum or you threaten to leave. I don't know if that is an option, it can be very hard financially. But it sounds like your relationship with him is already over in a way. Just make sure you really don't want this baby, there are so many women who regret immediately after taking the first pill. Think it through and decide what will bring you the most peace. And that's awful that he threatened to tell your daughter you "killed her sibling," what is he thinking??