Not sure what to do

[penelopeisland]

Sorry a bit of a long one…

Hi, I am 44 yrs old, have been in a somwhat turbulent relationship for 15 yrs, and had a burn out 2.5 yrs ago and anxiety issues over the last 8 yrs.
After I quit my job, which was one of the sources of my stress, it took away my stability but luckily i have a small freelance job as well to lean on.

I am a very sensitive person and have often problems with friends who do not understand I need to decompress, and want more of my time than i can give..

This summer it felt like ‘my summer’ I was going to set things straight. Friends who were a bit manipulative, my choices should not be based on ‘pleasing’ people anymore. i am trying to build up myself again.
Every now and then I have a fall back, eg. too much stimuli from the outside coming in - too much noise, people etc. After that i need to be alone for a while to process.

I have never wanted kids, very probably scared of loosing the freedom i need..
Never felt maternal. I thought I’d made the choice to opt out of having kids.
Also some stuff in my past where i had to grow up quickly has left me with PTSD probably.
This was talked about with partner, he put himself down with my decision ages ago, but now his baby dreams are awakened again.

So on sunday night I found out i am pregnant, 5 wks.
Not planned at all. I am feeling very anxious, and tried to find support with my sister and mum, but they didnt really have ears for my problems, and were just over the moon about a baby.

My partner doesn’t seem to be able to compliment me - he is a hot head and is no help. He says he wants to help, and be there, but when i am anxious and trying to explain in a cry voice, he reacts like i am shouting at him, and starts shouting himself.

It seemed to go better between us, the last few months. No more stress. I started feeling good again. More understanding between us I thought.

We were planning on moving to a more rural location, and build a house from scratch. Having to live in a caravan for a bit. To do this has been our dream for years. Not really good in combo with a baby.

I am so scared! Having a really hard time to make a decision.

Suggestions are welcome.

Thank you !

Pen

I think what I am also scared of is my mental state. Doesnt it make much more sense to get better first before ?

I think you'd be able to pursue your dreams and have a baby. Maybe not while very young, but there's no need to give up on them altogether.
I hope someone comes along with better advice soon, but I didn't want to read and run.
Also, your partner sounds like a problem to me. If he can't deal with you being emotional, what would he be like with a grizzly baby?

OP you may get more responses if you post this in chat :)

Do you want a baby, you don't say that you do?

Sorry for not posting anything back yet..
Since i posted this it has been a right rollercoaster..
I have to add that when i wrote the 1st post I was in a right state. i do not have a solid support network, and hoped this forum could be of some help…?

Partner is on the same page as I now. He is trying but says he is struggling too.

I have been depressed and emotional for the last 3 yrs +, and I wanted to be honest and not make my story sound too one-sided.
Not perfect but I cannot get anymore out of him by getting angry back. (which is happening, i must admit) it does not help to get myself into more of a state.
It is hard to manage for me at the moment. he said he’d try harder to support me.

We had a good chat, and he says he is behind my decision, and wants me to be happy and support me in this.
As this pregnancy was unplanned, and I do not want a baby at this moment. Nor does my partner. I decided to not go through with this pregnancy.

But now the next situation happened; I shared with my mum and sister ( who have been my support)
They turned out to have a very strong black and white pro-life stance, and have teamed up and started to bombard me with guilt trips, and unwanted advise. they are not letting go !

’You will regret this forever’
’This is not a way - to kill a human’
’You will become unhappy’
’this will be a life-long scar for you’
’we only want the best for you’
’Let us help you’

Also after asking my sis to not tell mum (she is on a long-deserved holiday for a week) She told mum behind my back under the guise of ‘We know what’s best for you’

I am a 44 yr old woman and would like for my decisions to be respected. I have never had an abortion.
Have had a burn out, and am slowly rising out of it.
But it turns that my self esteem has become quite low over the last few years.
Do people now think they can rule my life?

This has returned me into a weeping ball on the floor.

My support network has fallen apart.. 😢

thank you @gaymeanshappy - i might try and post this on the ‘chat’ section

Thank you so much @Patienceisntvirtuous ,@MrsTerryPratchett and @gaymeanshappy for your reactions. I have moved this to ‘chats’

If I'm reading right it sounds like you don't want a baby?

If that's the case it's not for your mother or sister to dictate otherwise, they're not going to be the ones who's lives change beyond all recognition.

However, if there is part of you that does see a baby in the future, at 44 this is possibly your last chance to make that happen.

If you are ok with the possibility of no children now or in the future, then your decision has been made. You don't have to talk your relatives round or justify why you've decided end the pregnancy. It sounds like they are too fixated on their wants without considering your feelings and needs, I doubt anything you say could change that.