Pregnant, don't know how I feel

[PhoebusItMeansSunGod]

Just that really. I have one DD aged 7. I struggled massively after DD was born with how much my life had changed and how traumatic the birth was (I was 25 which although not particularly young was young in my circle of friends). DH (he is DD's Dad) and I were one and done for a good few years but in more recent years have been more on the fence. I haven't been able to make a decision. I am completely risk averse and hate upsetting the status quo. Worried if we have a baby it will make everyone's life worse. And yet when I think of never having another baby I feel desperately sad.

Anyway, I am three days late and felt a bit off so tested this morning. Pregnant. Don't know how I feel. Haven't told DH yet.

Any words of wisdom welcome.

Bumping for the evening crowd

Perhaps speak with DH? Let him know the situation and he can discuss his feelings which might help you realise your own? It's a tough one. Are you high risk or at risk of having another difficult birth? Could you afford another child financially? Is your relationship stable enough to take on the sleepless nights and stresses of a newborn again?

Guarantee he'll be 0 help at all, he will just say its up to me.

Shouldn't be high risk though I had a previous section and would probably ask for an elective.

Financially it wouldn't be an issue.

I think we are pretty stable - we've never really hit any kind of bump, even when DD was a baby.

Do you want this baby?

I would love another baby, yes. I am just terrified (a) of the birth (b) when it comes that I'll regret it (c) that it will make life worse for DD.

OP there will be moments of regret, god everyone regrets it at multiple moments in that first year of life. But having a sibling will on enrich your DDs life. She will go through her life feeing proud of being a big sister and having someone to confide in that's not just a friend but the closest family member she can have apart from her mum and dad. Thinking longer term she will have someone to share the burden of aging parents too.
If money isn't an option and you want another baby don't nip this one in the bud.
Life can look scary when you look into the future but I bet you wouldn't be without your daughter now? Similarly to how you'll feel when DC2 is older.
I hope your DH supports you with this, maybe try and have a really good chat with him. All the best x

In that case, have the baby.

I don’t usually advise on these threads. But your first response is I would love another baby so remember that. You said finances are fine. Everything else will fall into place.

I only have one 4 month old (so far) and not sure if I want another. I can imagine the shock and uncertainty of being pregnant, but doesn’t a pregnancy always feel a bit scary and make you worry that you’re doing the wrong/right thing?

If the birth is a big issue then perhaps consider an elective section? I had a horribly traumatic birth with DD1 and had an elective with DD2 and it was such a wonderful experience. Calm, no pain, easy recovery. It was a simple process requesting it too - everyone respected my choice, no-one tried to persuade me to have a natural delivery. And as a result I think I've enjoyed DD2 being a baby so much more as there is no lingering trauma over the birth.

And I’m biased because I’m close to my siblings. But having siblings has enriched my life more than I can say. I can’t imagine life without them

You never regret your babies! I'm sure your daughter would love a little sibling baby, your life will not change like it does with the first. Opt for an elective if you're having birthing anxieties.

I know people mean well when they say "oh you don't regret your babies" but I definitely regretted having DD. I don't now, but I really did when she was tiny. I adored her, but it was like, I would never have done this if I'd known what it was like.

So I'm worried about feeling that way again because it was awful. And I'm scared of dying in childbirth. I would have to have an elective c section due to complications with my previous section.

And I’m biased because I’m close to my siblings. But having siblings has enriched my life more than I can say. I can’t imagine life without them

See I'm close to mine, now, but I can remember when my sister was born (I was 5) and I was genuinely traumatised by her being there. I despised her. Then 2 more siblings came along and honestly I spent my entire childhood wishing I was an only child.

I love them all now, I wouldn't be without them, but I still find our relationships complex IYSWIM. Like, I was always adamant that there was no way I would have another baby just so DD could have a sibling.

Hold on to "I would love another baby".

DS2 arrived when DS1 was 8 and he has loved every second. Their bond is absolutely beautiful to see but at the same time DS1 has been able to keep his activities and everything he did pre DS2.

Yes, there have been some difficult times, for me mainly. DS2 has been a difficult baby and I've relied on my partner a lot but DS2 is 14m now and we're starting to come out of the baby fog and life is getting easier again.

I can't stress enough that none of the difficulties have been due to him being a second child or the logistics of juggling two - purely the fact that's he's been such a grumpy little bugger and cried endlessly for months

I think DD would struggle with a baby that cried constantly, that's the other problem. I strongly suspect she is slightly on the spectrum and she's not great with loads of noise (like me!).

That's the thing no one can offer advice on. You get the baby that comes, not the one you thought you'd get. It doesn't last forever though and you find a way to manage and you've as much chance of getting a more placid baby who doesn't cry as much as mine has.x

I’m basically in exactly the same position as you, but I’m 6+6 and DD is 3.

I only have 1 other friend with kids, my other friends are single ‘professional’ types who want to wait until their late 30s. The last few years have been really tough, PND, covid. We’ve just got our 30 free hours and DD is slowly coming out of nappies and we’re back here again!

I know the next few years will be more chaos but it’s a price I’m willing to pay for what comes after that. I try to see it as a long term thing rather than just focusing on the newborn days etc. The thought of never having another baby also makes me sad plus I would love to see DD with a sibling.

" I would never have done this if I'd known what it was like. "

This time you do know what it's like. It is not the total identity change of going from not being a mother to being a mother. You have already done the huge shift.
And of course you are freaked out right now, that's normal too.

My advice, don't overthink things. Forget all the what ifs and focus on what you have control of right now - have the baby, or don't have the baby. Speak to DH and see what he says and follow your heart.
If you really can't switch off the over thinking, try coming up with a best case scenario to every worse case scenario, don't let fear or worry stop you doing something you really want to do. Good luck!

I'm the worst for overthinking, I have massive anxiety issues. Only just got a positive test and I've been googling how common placenta accreta is if you've had a previous c section. I know how utterly ludicrous that sounds!

Thanks for all your kind words and thoughtful advice.

Hi Phoebus, was reading your thread and would love to know if the past week brought you any closer to a decision. Lots of good advice from people. Hope you have been able to think clearly and feel confident. I think most of us know what it's like to go around in circles, but for some it's harder to break out of it.

Hi, I'm in a similar situation. I'm about 6 weeks and I've got a son who's almost 6.
How are you feeling today?
It's the uncertainty of the future that's the scariest part isn't it. I felt the same about regretting having my son when he was a baby and things were really hard. He was a happy/ slept well baby with no colic or health issues, it was my mental health reasons why I struggled so much.

I'm terrified if I go ahead with this pregnancy and the baby is sadly disabled that I won't be able to handle it.
I have no family close by, I'm not with the father although he is happy and wants the baby. But you can't ever rely on someone else, I need to be prepared for worst case scenario is being completely alone.
I'm sorry for rambling on, I'm here if you'd like to chat day to day how're we're feeling? I'm unsure how to private message as I've never done it before.

Hello Opaqueewood, I'd be happy to chat with you if you need someone to listen! If you click the three dots at the bottom of this message it will give you the ability to private message me, or you can reply to this thread. Is there a reason you are afraid that the baby would be disabled? Do you carry a gene for a sort of condition? My daughter developed coeliac disease when she was 16 years old and though it's very inconvenient, we have managed to accommodate her diet. It's not a huge disability, but one that affects her everyday life. Many disabilities can be dealt with, especially with the internet providing support groups and many laws to help the disabled. It's nice that your partner is interested in raising a child. If he ever changed his mind you'd still be entitled to support from him. Hope you are doing okay and will check in! All my best to you, dear.