"The timing could not have been worse" is a phrase that's running in my head right now.
About 2 weeks ago, I missed my period and freaked out. I did two pregnancy tests and both were negative. I called my doctor and she assured me that if the tests were negative, I shouldn't worry - missed periods are a common enough thing, and as I've massively increased my exercise regime recently, this might explain why my cycle is a bit off. I could always retest in a week if I was nervous.
But the doc seemed confident it wasn't anything to be concerned about so I put it out of my head, kept going with my usual activities. I'm a busy woman. Most recently, I went to a wedding and had a boozy weekend with some of my oldest friends to celebrate, kept up my punishing exercise regime and applied for a conversion course in law, while keeping at work.
Today I was feeling a bit ill and my boobs were really sore. The pregnancy test kit came with three tests, and there was one left, so I decided, just to be safe, to finish them off.
And here I am now, posting on Mumsnet.
I'm really at a loss of what to do.
Thing is, I love my partner. If and when I have kids, I want it to be with him. He's kind, compassionate and so ready to be a great dad. We've talked about having kids before, and I feel really very comfortable with him. The rest of his family are also brilliant, which is lucky as mine are really, severely not. I know I have the best people around me, the best family to bring a child into, if I wanted. I'd love to see them with the baby, as I know it will be the light of their world.
I'm also in my mid-thirties. I know women are having babies later, and my mum had me when she was 39, but still. Isn't it a now or never moment? I dunno, sorry for how rambling and disjointed this is. Kind people will understand, I expect.
But.
I've just started a new, fixed term job. And I'm planning on starting a full-time law degree when that job comes to an end. I had always planned to leave this town, and getting a degree in law (as opposed to my existing qualifications in the comparatively poorly paid heritage and higher education sectors, which has offered barely any work at all over the years, and when it has, it's been unsecure and usually underpaid) was my big plan. I'd always had half a mind on it, and after working in a law firm part-time during my PhD, it was a natural choice once I'd finished. I had money thanks to inheritance from my mother's estate, and some savings, enough to pay for the course and exams. This sounds so selfish, but I've been relentlessly doing the sums the last 6 months, ever since I passed my viva. I postponed my entry on the course because I got this new fixed term position, which I was pleased about because it didn't bolt me down anywhere, while allowing me to add to my funds. My plan, when I got my position confirmed on the course, was to go to local law firms and ask for part-time work to help pay for my day to day life. I don't have a huge series of bills for the months (or at least, I didn't, before those damned utility increases), so all of this was (...was) perfectly doable. I was looking forward to embarking on a new path that had actual earning potential and career progression.
I'm scared about what the future holds. For me, for the planet, for the country I live in. My house is a mess, that I never have time to properly clean. My car has a dent in it (from my godmother's gatepost) that I've been meaning to get fixed for years, but kept putting the money aside for a rainy day. I've got so many things I never managed to get finished.
Also, while my partner's family are amazing, mine, as stated, are decidedly not. The person I bring into this world might be cut from their cloth, or they could be cut from mine/my family's. That TERRIFIES me.
My brother is violent. He's high-functioning autistic, but he's violent, terrifying, and whenever he's taking a plane anywhere, I pray it crashes. He was once hospitalised when we were children, and I cried when I realised he was coming back home.
My sisters are also pieces of work. Twins, doubly mean-spirited, also violent and quick to anger. Even when not physically rough, they will always be verbally rough. I got severe body dysmorphia when I was a kid, and part of it was exacerbated by the regular snide comments they made constantly about appearances, whether it be mine or anyone else's. I don't have much to do with them anymore but their comments on Facebook suggests their demeanours haven't changed. They're pushing 40 and they still act like nasty idiotic school girls.
Being the youngest, all that s**t ran downhill. My mother (RIP) wasn't the most savvy of people. She made some stupid choices, and she was the main victim of their consequences. We all had to live with them, but they hit her hardest, for certain. I'm sure I have my own faults too. I have that anger, I'm aware (though my partner is like a balm for it - I never get angry at him). In short, I'm afraid my DNA is a cocktail of absolute poison, and I don't know how to handle another family member that will turn out like them.
Sorry for the ramble, I just need to get this out. Lots to think about.